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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If the man you were dating said this would you walk away?

102 replies

goggleboxing · 13/07/2019 18:24

I’ll try to keep this as brief as poss. Have been dating a guy for a few weeks and we went out for dinner last night which was lovely until he dropped into the conversation that he had found out his ex girlfriend (they split up 2 years ago) had just got engaged to someone else and it had ‘floored him.’ He said he will always regret losing her and finding out that she’d met someone else and moved on was difficult for him to process. He even said that she will always be the one who got away.

I kind of sat there with my mouth open while he rabbited on about how he felt lucky he was dating me as if I wasn’t on the scene he probably would have taken the news much harder. He then said the break up had left him with all sorts of issues that he was trying to sort out but he was finding it hard.

I came away from that dinner feeling very flat. I mean, we’ve all been through tough break ups, but saying that on a date is a bit off, no? Or maybe I’m overreacting here?

OP posts:

Julijaprimic · 14/07/2019 08:51

He didn't love his ex. She escaped.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2019 08:53

Yeah I'd end this. It's been two years since they split, he treated her badly and he was arrogant enough to think he could have her any time he wanted. He's now bang up for treating you badly.

End it.

cookiechomper · 14/07/2019 09:21

I would also end it. He doesn't sound like he's over her at all and not ready to be with anyone else.

Al2O3 · 14/07/2019 09:44

I am afraid his future is either trains or fishing.

Doesitevenmatternow · 14/07/2019 10:37

It's not you op, it's them. Let this one go, he's a prat. I disagree with the others that he's not over her and you'll always be second best. I'd say he was awful to her and now he's preparing to undermine and control you too.

The OLD is tough going I know. You meet people you wouldn't through any of your natural circles. But you are open to meeting someone, you are copped on, you have standards. The right guy will be along.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/07/2019 10:41

He sounds a bit of a twat. I wonder if this is his clumsy way of negging you and getting you to try and win him over. Time to end it I think.

75Renarde · 14/07/2019 11:04

He's triangulated his ex with new date. It's very bad form. Those are convos to be had weeks down the line.

Ex may have escaped or may have been discarded. You just dont know.

If I had ONE wish on here it would be to people to stop believing that what others say without proof. Especially when you don't know them.

happyhillock · 14/07/2019 11:06

Tell him your not playing 2nd best, what an idiot

Pinktinker · 14/07/2019 11:09

It hasn’t been long and shouldn’t be this complicated whilst dating. Ditch him.

upple · 14/07/2019 11:29

He's told you what a ratbag he was to his previous GF!

Stupid as well as nasty.

Original poster

goggleboxing · 14/07/2019 11:56

I’ve been gearing up to end it all morning and he called me not long ago to ask if I wanted to do something today. I told him that after our conversation on Friday that I thought it best to end things as it seemed he had unresolved issues around his ex.

The bastard flipped it on me and told me I’d got the wrong end of the stick and that I misinterpreted him. then he threw in the stinger that he really liked me but thought I was insecure and that he could tell I was going to be hard work if this continued. I told him it wouldn’t be continuing and that was that.

Unbelievable how someone can act all wounded and play the victim then flip the script when they hear something they don’t like. He’s made me feel like a bit of a nutter to be honest.

OP posts:

raspberryk · 14/07/2019 12:00

Massive drip feed there OP, biggest red flag is that he treated her badly and didn't see it was enough of a reason for his ex to leave!!!

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 12:12

Haha called it - narcissist xD

Sounds like you had 3 misogynistic narcissists in a row OP. And at least you are spotting the warning signs early on these dates. It's probably not you, there are just a lot of them about.

Original poster

goggleboxing · 14/07/2019 12:17

@teaforthewin it makes me feel better knowing there’s a lot of these men out there and that it probably isn’t me. Dating is like a minefield.

OP posts:

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 12:18

It really is! Still scares me that I might meet one that's less obvious and I might miss it until further down the line. Guess we just gotta stay on the ball.

birdonawire1 · 14/07/2019 12:19

Sounds as though he doesn't regard you as his new 'the one' yet, and more a friend. It's only been a few weeks dating though so maybe he's still undecided and fixated on his ex. Nothing you can do but go along with this for as long as it suits you, but be prepared to walk away unless things change drastically in the next few weeks.

Researcher2 · 14/07/2019 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

justilou1 · 14/07/2019 12:26

They’re all wounded little princesses when they don’t get their own way, aren’t they? Poor wee darlings. Grrrrr!

TeaForTheWin · 14/07/2019 12:32

Its interesting when you break it down in that a normal person would have been like 'oh 'im sorry, yeah I get how that could have come across/I didn't mean it that way, I was just thinking out loud but yeah maybe you are right and im not over her' ect…

Where as his kind are like 'NO. YOU'VE misunderstood. You are the one with the problem. You are too insecure/crazy/high maintenance (ect…) and I would be the one to suffer if I dated you' Basically: You are wrong, you've misunderstood them and you are bad and it's actually them that doesn't want you because of your issues xD

Very telling.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 14/07/2019 12:37

Oh bloody hell, it's definitely not you it's him! Dodged a bullet there, OP.

Original poster

goggleboxing · 14/07/2019 12:38

Very telling indeed @teaforthewin

I’ve been dumped before and have always tried to accept it graciously especially after knowing someone for just a few weeks.

It kind of felt like he was saying: “you can’t fire me, I quit!” So even though I ended it he made it known that he didn’t actually want me anyway. Great for the self esteem

OP posts:

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 14/07/2019 12:52

Well done for ditching him Op!

billy1966 · 14/07/2019 12:59

Well done OP, good call.

He sounds like a nasty twat.

Your gut is working well and you are a clever woman who just has to wade through some toads.

You'll get there. Chin up👍

AnyFucker · 14/07/2019 13:07

Don't be fooled that he wanted to "fire you anyway'

He would have been quite happy to carry on grooming you into a shadow of your former self

Well done

Yawninfinitum · 14/07/2019 14:32

OP you low face well he had no intention of ditching you until you did him and wounded his ego!!
He will be away kicking his wounds now but you can hold your head high and move on to better

If OLd is proving a bit rubbish how about looking at a group activity or something where you might meet less twats?

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