Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

oh shitwith I think is MH does seem to be ruling your relationship a bit at the moment. Not down talking down anyone with MH issues or Mr B but surely you should still be mainly having fun? Please make sure you are not downplaying your needs because he has MH issues.

Jesuis dont worry lovely, it was only a day later and to be honest I had a lovely day on saturday which would have been spoilt had I known! I totally get wanting a selfie of the 2 of you for social media and wanting a couples weekend- its a show of commitment I isnt it? Not that I dont think Mr C is committed of course

Does that mean you don't know exactly what his conditions are then @shitwithsugaron

And a flippant response like that would piss me off. There is a good saying though - when someone shows you their true colours, believe them

The whole relationship at the moment is being led by how he feels...how he feels when he wakes up/goes to work/when I turn up to see him. Whether I hear from him or not is also being led by all of these things

Oh that's so unhealthy and you know it lovely.
I think you have two choices unless you want to let this continue like this

1. go to therapy with him and work through this together. I suspect you'll have a tough battle ahead
2. walk away knowing you can't fix this guy and he's not showing any signs of wanting to fix himself, either for you or him

JeSuis I can understand MrC not thinking about pics, I don't do social media, selfies or even think about taking pics at all.
MisH didn't have her phone with her when we were out walking at the w/e and asked me a handful of times to take pics of scenery or us so she could show her mum when she got home. It wouldn't cross my mind to do it otherwise, perhaps something to work on.
We're still getting on really well, almost used the L word at the weekend but stopped myself. It won't be long though, and pretty sure it will be reciprocated. We're well beyond it just being lust now, and just want to spend as much time together as we can. We'd been away all w/e and got back at 2pm yesterday but she popped round last night for 2 hours for a takeaway and we just sat chatting. Love spending time with her!
She's not great at saying how she feels in person (it appears to be her only minor failing so far) but does by text, but last night she commented on being happy that I'm going to be buying a slower car once my insurance claim is sorted. I think that's her way of saying she cares
We're seeing each other tonight, Thurs, Fri & Sat this week, so definitely not getting bored yet!
I'm also feeling like a bit of an interloper now as I wouldn't describe this as dating anymore but like others very invested in how people are getting on so I keep reading, and I'll chip in if I think my experiences can help anybody.

shitwith Yep, sounds a lot like things I've experienced.

I'm now (at least) aware of what I do / how I cope, and would be telling a prospective long term partner what to expect, and how to approach the situations. It's going to mean a LOT of communication, but that can only be a good thing.

shitwith I think Ginmel's last few words are really important, does he want to change/improve or is he just accepting of his situation and the impact this could have on his relationship with you?
If he's just expecting you to accept him for what he is with no intention to change then you have to make a decision whether that's what you want long term. But if he's showing through his therapy and his conversations with you that he wants to be improve, then you decide if that's good enough for you.
I am no MH expert though, so no idea if what I'm suggesting is even possible for him?

@shitwithsugaron This all sounds so unbalanced and tipped in his favour . I could't cope with the uncertainty of it, I'd be a nervous wreck, but that's the overthinker in me taking over. He sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy "If I keep telling her how crap/unreliable/flakey I am then she can't complain when I do those things" - shouldn't we all be looking to grow ourselves in each relationship?

None of us are perfect but if we recognise our flaws, shouldn't we try and improve them? Fucking hell I sent Mr C a message at 4am (when he gets up) and 8am this morning. I didn't hear from him until 12pm, normally I'd think I'd been ghosted - we've never gone for 8 hours during the day without "speaking", but I thought about what the rational reasons could be and was the chill out queen when he got in touch - nothing untoward, he'd just had a manic morning at work. I could never have done that a few months ago without you guys and therapy!

@Ant330 I'm having a proper squeeeeeee everytime you talk about MissH. I think some people are more affectionate over text than in person, and isn't it nice to be able to read those messages over and over when you want to?

I only want the picture for myself, I don't really do SM either apart from checking school stuff for DD. I've got a bit of an aversion to it since I found out about stbxh affair via FB...

In other news I've been summoned to another family event by the Intimidating Aunt as MrC's plus one.

@shitwithsugaron I agree with everyone else (and your mum). It really does sound like MrB’s MH issues are taking over the relationship, and he is using them as an excuse. And, to some extent, a way of controlling you. The fact that you can’t actually discuss it with him without him saying ‘I told you I was useless etc’ is a big problem.

I’m a bit concerned that you’ll end up walking on eggshells and always accommodating him. You’re only 3 months in: should it be this tough?

As you know, my ex had (has) MH issues (he’s also a shit, but the MH issues combine very badly with that). It was very difficult to live with and it really came to dominate everyone’s life. His refusal to accept that’s what was happening or to take responsibility for the effects of his actions was intolerable.

I know you are inclined to be supportive, and you genuinely care about MrB but his MH issues are his to deal with. Right now it sounds like he’s almost outsourcing them to you and you have to manage his MH for him.

If he knows he has issues with social skills and self-esteem, he needs to be dealing with. He shouldn’t be constantly accusing you of being angry or passive aggressively going home unwell because you dared to cook dinner while talking to him. Nor should he be shutting you down with a pile of self pity when you try to discuss things. These are things that he should be working on with his therapist and reassuring you that he is. He shouldn’t be trying to make it your problem.

If it were a LTR, then obviously this is exactly what you go to counselling together about. But at 3 months in, should the need for counselling be something that ever enters anyone’s mind?

One of my concerns is that this is the easy bit and the bit where he’s on his best behaviour. And this is what you’re getting. I do worry about what he’ll be like if you lived together etc.

Even my ex managed to pretend to be relatively normal 3 months in. Well, actually there were some red flags I’d ignored. But nothing like you’re currently dealing with.

You deserve to be really happy @shitwithsugaron. It’s probably the right time to be thinking about whether the reality of life with MrB is actually going to achieve that.

@Ant330 if I’m still welcome (while I’m reading MN I’ve been messaging MrSG about figuring out a budget for buying a house and not doing any actual work), you’re definitely not an interloper. I, for one, love hearing about you and MissHair.

I actually think it’s almost sweeter that she’s expressed her feelings by saying she’s glad you’ll buy a slower car. That’s more real than some gushy stuff somehow.

@JeSuisPrest I’d want a selfie too. And not for SM. I haven’t posted any photos of MrSG on SM. But I have lots of them on my phone, just for me. And he has the same. Indeed we have a shared album in google photos. 😂

@WooMWang A shared album ???! That's commitment right there , I might suggest it - we've both got lots hundreds of photos of each other, but nothing of us together. I've got more pictures of me with his dogs and newly returned tortoise that I have of him with me . I feel a mission coming on...

ant and Miss Hair sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G :)

Shitwith you are so lovely, make sure YOU are happy!

Oh definitely get a shared album. He’ll know you’re really serious about him then.

We’ve got a shared Netflix account now (well I gave him my login details) and had a conversation yesterday about combining our amazon accounts.

What you do about your amazon accounts is clearly a defining feature of modern relationships. 😂

I have one photo of Mr SAS that I took of us together while he was asleep! That. along with his Tinder pic that made me swipe right.

He doesn't use social media and I don't all that much but he's never attempted to take a photo of me/us either. I hate having my photo taken though so I don't really care!

Right you lovely lot I’m now on Tinder. Fingers crossed, and thanks for the support this morning when I actually nearly cried.

JeSuis yes I often go back the next morning to see what she's said on WA the night before, gets my day off to a good start 😉
Woo I shall continue posting in that case, sometimes feel a bit guilty posting happy updates if people are struggling, but I suppose those kind of posts showed me there was light at the end of the tunnel when I first started OLD having no idea where to start.
Marls 😂😂
Quick story from the w/e which had us in stitches... we'd set our tent up with the door facing a hedge at the back of our pitch for privacy, but on Sunday afternoon we'd both fallen asleep on top of the duvet after some 'exercise' with just the mesh door done up. We both suddenly woke up when we heard the sound of kids voices and frantically covered up just before 2 young girls wandered in front of the door and stared inside 😱 As they walked off one of them said "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" We both started laughing which probably confirmed it for them 😂
Fortunately we'd covered up so no eye bleach required or mental scarring or angry parents!

Ah @Ant330 stick around! I don't mind (much) the sickly sweet posts about Ms Hair, it's nice to see some of us happy!

I'm just waiting for the kids to be picked up by their dad so I can get ready for MrSAS coming round in an hour. I'm cooking and he's bringing a toy 😁😉

Please keep posting, Ant. Not only is your male perspective appreciated, it is great to hear how happy you are.

Yeah I need to stick around as I don't have a shared Amazon account or Google photos album yet 😂
Have a lovely evening Sunshine 😉

Oh @Ant330 I DO like the sound of Miss Hair!

@Shitwithsugaron I really don't like the sound of the way things are with your chap. 'well I told you I was a wanker, I've been telling you this for weeks and you wouldn't listen' made my blood run cold. I'm thinking like @ginmel of that saying when somebody tells you who they are, listen. And if it's "just" his mental health talking, then it's still not good that he's saying that, because it sounds like he believes it and is determined to prove himself right. There's supporting somebody with a mental health condition and there's making excuses for somebody treating you badly who has no intention of improving it.

I'm also suspecting he is on the autistic spectrum as well as MH conditions (it's fairly common for autism to be linked with either another disorder like sensory processing disorder, or poor mental health). If he doesn't have a diagnosis you will probably never know for certain, a great many highly functioning autistic people aren't diagnosed.

I don't feel like I belong on the smitten bench but I am very smitten with Mr 5in1. 😳

I am realising that I've been throwing multiple wordy text messages his way and he's struggling to absorb the info in then all - I think I would too, actually. Not had a reply since lunchtime but just had one saying he'd been busy with mum stuff but it was very positive news so that's good. When he actually gets a chance to sit down and read through what I've sent him he's going to find that my friend is under no illusions as to how smitten I am with him and has invited us both to stay at her holiday cottage in Cornwall next week. I'm camping in the middle half way there you see, and have been desperately trying to arrange seeing her and shagging him this week and not really having enough spare days to do both separately, so this could be a total win all around. It would mean that he had to be okay with meeting and spending some time with her, and I only kinda added as an afterthought that he might not actually want to meet my friends just yet and he shouldn't feel under any pressure to if he didn't want to! 😳 and now he's been offline for a few hours doing what he needed to do for his mother, and I'm nervously awaiting him noticing what I've said and his response! 😳

coffee forgive me if I’ve misunderstood but aren’t you rather rushing him a bit?

Will your friend also be in the cottage @coffeeandchocolate9 If so and it'll be your first overnight and shag that'd be a no from me. It's a bit too much new at once.