Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Sounds like too much work, @shitwithsugaron. I know I am biased and probably the worst person to give relationship advice, but shouldn't things still be fun and light at this stage?

@shitwithsugaron Urgh, the stopping talking thing because you weren't hanging off his every word is a bit childish of him. He seems a bit oversenstive about the "angry" thing - what were his previous relationships like - was he overly criticised and now he presumes any slight inclination of irritation like "budge your leg" is a precursor to an argument or something building. Is he inclined to stick his head in the sand over things rather than discuss them? Perhaps he had to do that previously to avoid confrontation? I'm not making excuses for him - I think he treated you pretty shabbily last week, but no your feelings shouldn't be coming second at all lovely. You really don't come across as high maintenance/demanding so I can't imagine it's you making unreasonable demands of him

@shitwithsugaron sounds a bit passive aggressive to me

I wasn't paying him any attention so he stopped talking.
he'd forgotten, apparently I should have reminded him.
He went home in a quiet manner,
*Didn't hear from him again.

Until this morning. He sends a message saying he got the impression that I've been unhappy and angry lately, and was it his fault?*

I wasn't there @shitwithsugaron, but to me that reads like passive aggressive behaviour. MH issues or not, that's not really on.

@Coffeeandchocolate9 men are much much more likely to be victims of unprovoked violent assault than women, I wouldn't say it was something I worry about but the threat of it is always at the back of your mind.

However I am very reticent about being alone with women, especially ones I don't know, as the mere allegation of violence or impropriety would have pretty severe life consequences.

I would say that I am much more afraid of an allegation of sexual assault than I am of a smack in the mouth. The defence against either is pretty similar though.

Sounds like Mr B uses his MH as a cop out. That's not on.

@FMFL I had similar a few months ago on Bumble. I was messaging someone, seemed nice, asked if I wanted a telephone chat, I said yes, gave him my number and then he disappeared! Really peed me off, more than it should have done!

@shitwithsugaron Sorry you are having some issues. I think having MH issues is one thing but you can't be responsible for his moods all of the time and you deserve some support when you need it, which you don't seem to be getting.

Mr SAS is coming round tonight and I can't wait

The sad thing is his self esteem, self confidence is so low that he can't understand why someone would want to be with him.

This is one of my own personal red flags. Been there, done that with a guy with low self esteem and it was emotionally sapping. I felt at times I was his therapist more than anything else. Never ever again.

Please don't get me wrong. Everyone likes a bit of assurance sometimes but there's a difference between liking assurance and needing it.

It's not your job @shitwithsugaron to make him feel good about himself.

Xpost

@shitwithsugaron is he in therapy? Can you have an adult conversation about this? He needs to be willing to change and to do so.

I'm not sure what else I can do or say.

shitwithsugaron stop giving answers to "why are you angry", instead ask him why he thought you were angry, at least then you might gett more useful information to decide whether it's worth working at or if he needs throwing back?

Shit, I dont have any experience of mh issues but it sounds like you're going to have to just accept your relationship isnt going to be plain sailing all the time ( who's is). Sounds like he feels worthless and is pushing you to make him feel more secure. He didnt support you last week as he didnt know how ( unless he is plain selfish but it doesn't sound like it).

I hope the positives in your relationship out weighs the not so good and you decide you can give him the time to help him with all his issues. It's going to be tough as he needs to see that you have needs too. I have my fingers crossed for you both and hope you have a chat and can work through it x

Just promise us you won't forget or minimise your own needs @shitwithsugaron they are just as important as mr b's

shitwithsugaron a +1 to Al of ginmels posts as well. As she said, don't therapise him, questions should be for your benefit.

The reason I suggested responding with a question is that he isn't bloody listening to you anyway😁

My youngest sons dad was very hard work through our five yr relationship.

Always thinking I would cheat on him and was out of his league,so much so that if I had a rare night out with the girls,I had to txt him every hour.
My texts weren't showering him with attention enough,why wasnt I using more adjectives. Ie he wanted ' hello handome', see you later gorgeous.it was draining.
I was childminding 10 hrs a day but if I dare say I was tired,he would then start an argument that I should try his manual job.
In the end he wouldn't let me go out alone and tagged on to any social function I had,it was mad.
I suggested him going to counselling ,which he did. It all stemmed from childhood.
He was the one to have the affair. He is still with her eight years on but calls about our son often then goes on to say how he is stressed and gf and him are always arguing. I'm still trying to help him after all these years.
Maybe people can change but in alot of cases,I believe they dont. But we all have hang ups and issues.....mine are getting bigger the more I date!......but we all need a chance

My instinct is you would need a therapist to help you guys because Mr B's needs do seem complex.

If you talked to him about what your needs were, what /how they aren't being met and what he can do to make your relationship equal, what would his reaction be?

Shitwith TMI here, but I may be HFA. I also struggle with picking up signals and empathy, and saw myself in some of the questions he was asking.

It's very possible he simply doesn't "get" what's going on, and goes into a protective / defensive mode, as he can't deal with the situation. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure...

shitwith there are two people in this relationship, it shouldn’t all be about him. I get that he has MH etc issues but does that really explain why he interprets every action if yours that isn’t blissful adoration as anger - the most ‘unfeminine’ 😡 of emotions?

Sounds like aspergers to me?? very much how my son reacts to things. In which case you will need to be very easy going and accept it,however frustrating it is.

What does HE bring to the relationship?

I hope you're ok shit,sending a hug