Dating thread 164. Fortune favours the brave

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

marlboro shitwith is bang on. And you absolutely can’t go back to FWB because the contempt he has shown in lying/gaslighting means that HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Sorry to shout, but it’s true.

Oh yes. He’s definitely not your friend. Friends do not treat each other with that kind of contempt.

I agree totally. The friends part is important. For me, there needs to be mutual respect and trust for me to really enjoy sex. And there's not much point in pursuing sex if I am not going to enjoy it as much as possible. Btdt.

I know. That's what makes me sad. I was a bit wishy washy myself about an actual relationship with him but I really really thought he was my friend and I thought we had a lot of honesty between us. I was so wrong. Cassettes shout away! I need it!

I am reading the book (Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl) its so so right. Should be working but hey ho

Will send a message later and block but I am so sad, I will miss him. Not the actual shitty him but the man who I thought he was/ could have been.

Right I will stop going on!! Need to think of some cool Bumble openers :)

Sat in the car with my son and he's just said "I wish you and daddy had never spilt up but I know it didn't make you happy" 😢
I hate that that's what we told them because their dad decided he wanted to f*ck a women 13 years younger than him and throw away our family and history together.

It's been 18 months and this is the first time he's really said anything about it since it happened.

I think that issue is always the kicker at the end of a relationship. It’s often not the person you’ll miss but all your hopes and dreams about what could have been (if they’d actually been who you hoped they were).

I remember being really devastated when it was finally over with my truly horrible ex. It definitely wasn’t him I was upset about, but at the fact I wouldn’t have the kind of family life I’d spent years desperately trying to create/pretend I had.

marlboro I hate shouting at you, but I want you to be treated with the respect you so thoroughly deserve and that needs capital letters, always. As Aretha reminds us.

sunshine it’s good that your son is opening up to you emotionally. From now on it’s that tricky balance between protecting him and his feelings and respecting his right to know the truth.

That’s really hard @Sunshineandflipflops. It’s so bloody difficult having to be the bigger person for your kids.

MrSG once asked me why I’d never tell DS (either one actually) about why my ex and I split up. It’s just not something that it would benefit them to know. However awful my ex was to me, that knowledge could only be a burden to them. He’s currently under the illusion that he’ll want to tell his kids (who’re currently too little) the truth about his ex. But he won’t. When they’re older he’ll be less angry with her and almost certainly won’t want to upset the kids.

But sometimes it is so hard to have to pretend that my ex is a decent human being.

Ok, technical query re Tinder. Mr Hot says he has been overseas since Friday, we matched on Tinder on Saturday (Ie he was on it then) yet his distance thing has always been the same at 80km. Can the only explanation be that he is lying about being overseas?

I think it's because to them, me and him get on. We speak to each other politely and even conversationally for the kids but what they don't know is if it wasn't for them I'd have never laid eyes on him again. They think we're friends but that's because I can't bear to tell them the truth. Not for my ex's sake but for theirs. He is still with the OW so I think as the kids get older they may start to put 2 and 2 together and/or ask questions and I've already told my ex I won't lie to them if they do. They won't get all the gory details but they will know that we split up because daddy decided he wanted to be with someone else. It's not a conversation I am looking forward to but protecting them from the truth and lying are two different things.

I told him that ds had just made that comment and he said "i'm so sorry". Not sorry enough, knobhead.

On the plus side, I asked Mr SAS if he fancies a weekend away glamping later in the summer and he said yes so I am now googling glamping pods with hot tubs! Any recommendations? Thinking Peak District but not too fussy.

I think you’re taking the right approach @sunshineandflipflops. There is a difference between protecting them and lying. And, given the circumstances, they’re bound to work it out for themselves.

Whereas there’s no reason for my DSes to figure anything out. Both know that he wasn’t very nice to me, but they’d never have any reason to ask about the extent of that. It’s in the past now anyway and I don’t have to dwell on it.

I’m sure when the time comes MrSG will tell his children the bare facts (that his ex cheated on him) but he’s not going to give them the details. And he won’t need to tell them all the parts that speak to her being very calculating and out for everything she can get, because they’ll see that in how she lives her life anyway. Kids are good at coming to their own conclusions really.

I've been busy at work, and have just caught up..

Marlboro what a cockwomble. You are better off rid of him!

And you are doing amazingly well if your kids think that you and your ex are friends. Go you.

DS would never describe his dad and me as friends. I am perfunctory with him and minimally polite (just what basic social interaction requires). But I’m not inviting him in for a cup of tea. Ever.

No, no cups of tea here either but we both go to all the things the kids are involved in and when he collects/drops the kids off we will 'chat' at the door about things concerning them. I've never said a bad word about him in front of or to them and I never will, as hard as that has been. Their relationship with him is precious and I try really hard to keep that separate from my relationship with him.

My friends (and Mr SAS) have been on the receiving end of many a rant/upset after seeing him but never the kids.

@WooMaWang thanks for that re swimming. I was wondering whether lessons may help with the breathing. I will definitely give them a go then. Anything to make it easier and even a tiny bit more bearable is worth it.
Off for a lake swim with Mr Tri now. Should be amusing if nothing else.
Wetsuit is not a good look but neither is cycling gear and he managed that yesterday...

It definitely improves things. I actually quite enjoy swimming front crawl now. Well, after the first 200m it feels good. I really have to force myself through that first bit though. I’m definitely not fast though (understatement). I’ll swim 1500m and feel all pleased with myself and then it’ll turn out the DS swam 4km in the same time.

I’ve just ordered some swimwear for a holiday (we’re going on holiday next week). I’ve been brave and have ordered 2 bikinis (proper swim brand ones you can swim in though). I’m now wondering how confident I’ll feel about showing the world my somewhat wobbly and stretchmarked stomach. A wetsuit seems like a much better idea at this point.

Depressingly, the Volcom website suggests that I need size L in bikini bottoms after inputting my measurements. I suspect they mostly expect 18 year olds to buy their stuff.

sunshine I cannot remember where you are but I always fancied Lincoln Yurts for glamping. I think they have a hot tub too!

It’s hard to manage re kids and awful exes. My kids are tiny and they think their dad is the bees knees. They won’t remember that he was drunk and violent towards me. The court order says he cannot drink in their presence and tbf he has really stepped up as a dad since I left but he has told me he will make sure as they are older they know I left and wrecked everyone’s lives 😡

Thanks @Marlboroandmalbec34 I'll check that out. I am in the midlands so anywhere within an hour or two is fine.

Sorry your ex is a dick. I have to say, although mine did a really shitty thing to me, he is a great dad and a decent person, just a crap husband in the end. Part of me wishes I could hate him but I just can't.

Wow @Marlboroandmalbec34. Your ex is a shit. Thing is, his innate arsehole nature will make itself apparent to the kids at some point, so they’ll factor that into how they respond to his claims.

I’m sure they will wooma he cannot hide his personality for too long but then I don’t want them to have a shit dad either 🤷‍♀️

sunshine do check it out. I really wanna go

Been enjoying everyone's updates, just wanted to pop in and send hugs to marls shitty behaviour on Mr Big's part and agree with the advice already offered to you by others.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Don’t go to back to being FWB. When you have sex with someone you’re essentially trusting them with your life, if he can’t be honest about something small, he won’t be honest about the big stuff either.

Just back from a first date with Mr History. Physically exactly my type.....phwoar! But he seems to have fallen out with everyone in his life and has a complicated history. He's interesting, quirky, affectionate, listens, all the things I really like - but I'm suspicious he may be a narcissist. There have been a few straws in the wind that got my spidey senses tingling. Not sure if I'm oversensitive due to past experience or whether to trust my instincts so I'm going to see him again and try to suss him out a bit more. Any advice on sure fire ways to find out?

Aha! Found you all!