Is he a good husband and family man

[mrbigstuff]

If he ONLY has sex with the other woman when he's away with work? No other commitment flowers gifts etc but pure no feelings involved sex when he's away?

Views please

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Unless he has permission to do this then no he's an asshole

What did he say when you asked him to go ? You need to get some real advice about your options and decide what you want.

This is such a sad post. Do you wish the situation was different? Does it suit you to let him have his extra-marital activities? I know that sex and intimacy isn’t that important to some partners and they’d turn a blind eye and almost allow an open marriage. Is that for you? If it’s not and you are heartbroken by what you’ve discovered then you know what to do..
You don’t portray him as trustworthy...and all this ‘he’s good looking and what am I’ stuff. That’s just rubbish.

That if he didn't love me so much he would be with her
Wow - how lucky are you???? NOT!!!!
What a fucking cunt he sounds.
Sorry OP but you need to get angry.
Now do some work on yourself.
Get out there and find who you are.
Join a club. Make some friends.
Get a new look.
Find a part time job you will enjoy or even volunteer work
Just concentrate on YOU for a change.
He can get to fuck.
Stop sleeping with him until you have both had STI checks and they come back all clear. Even after that he could whistle for it as far as I'm concerned but we are all different and have different boundaries.

Stop settling.
So he's good looking.
So he has money.
So what????
He's a lying, cheating scumbag.
You will never view him the same way again.
It will take years to build the trust back up.

What do YOU want?

Of course he wants you at home. It means he can control you because you don’t earn money independently. He’s a wanker. Get a job then leave him and take 50% of everything.

He's good looking and he has money. He's ALWAYS going to be attractive to other women and if he 'didn't love you, he'd be with her'...doesn't sound like pure sex, unless he's saying that without you, all he'd be interested in is no strings sex. Which doesn't make him that nice a man, does it?

I think this will eat away at you. Even IF you really could believe that he'd never do this again (unlikely, he'll just cover his tracks better), you will wonder forever.

He doesn't get to decide 'he's not leaving'. SHL now.

Get thee to a shit hot lawyer. Pay upfront for a safe deposit box to keep papers and things sentimental to you. If you have a spare room put his stuff in it. Get a bolt on your bedroom door. He will have to look after the kids for himself so that’ll put a hitch in his (obligation free) giddy up. Time to look after yourself. I am sure if you weren’t occupied being the responsible parent you’d have all day to immerse yourself in non stop indulgence if you wanted to. He doesn’t get to make all the decisions or keep all the marital assets. If you don’t have a spare room , the kids can share, or you bring the youngest in with you he gets the nursery. He is having a relationship with someone else - a sexual relationship. ( if it’s a shit relationship that’s his call ) He chose all of those things and risked your health into the bargain. I’d be asking myself how much of the travel was essential or recreational. Having children does not make you a family man, just as fucking someone else tends to colour my opinion of good husbanding.

You deserve better. Get some evidence of the cheating if you can and leave him. If he won't leave set your boundaries and separate yourself from the marriage. He made the choice to cheat. He is only sorry he got caught. Maybe he won't leave because a divorce from infidelity might harm his reputation.

Also she could be using him as a sugar daddy and he is supporting her or giving her gifts that you don't know about. If you can check bank statements. Its pretty common.

*Maybe I should have left? I have friends who did leave and their lives are okay but not that great either?

Fact is, there's no redeeming it. You thought you had something that you didn't have. It's a major breech of trust. It's heart breaking. I'm sorry.*

What I was trying to say but you said it so much better. You have two options and both of them are sh*

Side chick - what is wrong with that? I thought it was just ghetto language. Its used in Africa a lot

Not at all surprised to hear about your good sex life. One of the most honest things ExH said explaining it was 'she was new'. And that is the one thing a wife can't be. That whole Esther Perel feeling alive thing. Cheating isn't about the wife.

I would start by telling all family and friends what a cheating shit he is. See what they think of the nice guy then.

Talk to your friends, good ones are fantastic at a time like this.

Tell him if he has the smallest amount of remorse or regret he would respect your wish for him to leave for a period to allow you time to come to terms with his betrayal and decide what is best FOR YOU in the future. You may decide to forgive him [PLEASE DON'T] in which case he can return.

At the very time you most feel like crumbling into a heap is the time when you need to be strongest. Do not do the pick me dance, show him what a strong, fabulous woman you are and this is what he could lose. Fake it until you make it.

Wishing you the strength to do what is best for you

So he refuses to leave. He still feels entitled to control the narrative. If he was truly remorseful, he would be willing to do everything you ask.

Take control and visit a solicitor. If you file for divorce, he will have to leave eventually. In the meantime, withdraw from him all domestic services, including washing, packing food, running his errands, etc. Move him to a spare room.

Tell trusted family and friends. You need their support. Do not protect him by keeping his dirty secrets. He is a lying, cheating, untrustworthy sleaze.

OP, you deserve the honor and respect of a faithful husband, and your children deserve a healthy relationship model to emulate.

At the very least he owes you the courtesy of some space to work through your emotions. The fact that he won’t give you that is worrying as he obviously thinks you can just suck it up and things can carry on as normal.

He says he chose you (after you found out). But you still get to make a choice, you need to decide if you choose to stay with a man who cheated. You actually have all the power.

So he's still here

Acting like nothing has happened. Saying I'm over reacting. I feel like trash but don't have the strength to break my entire life up

You're under reacting

OP where is your self respect? Where’s your autonomy? Where are YOU?

He doesn’t respect you or your family. He doesn’t respect women full stop. She’s just a fuck receptacle to him, and you’re a housekeeper. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s true. He is deeply misogynist.

You need to think about you. Tell him you’re getting a job. Don’t ask, TELL. Time to switch things around and show him you can’t be controlled. Make things happen on your terms, by your own means. I assume his salary will cover childcare costs if you go back to work. But don’t do it to try and seem more interesting to him - do it for you and your own self worth and independence. You’re not his puppet. You’re in control of your own life and future. If he won’t leave, show him you can, and you will. No lifestyle is worth being disrespected like that.

Well, that's right. It changes everything and you should take time to think about what you need for yourself and your kids. You don't need to rush.

When it happened to me, it was the impetus to go back to uni. He took time off work to mind the kids at the beginning so I could get started. I'm about to graduate, and I'm in a much stronger position now. Not just the degree, but the contacts I've made and mentally.

Also, it opened his eyes to how hard it is and he's doing more at home just generally. Or he was. Actually, he's slacking off again now.

Well, anyway, good luck OP. The day to day is so exhausting with young kids, and there's a lot to consider, but it gets easier. I was so tired I couldn't think straight, but now the youngest has started school and they're sleeping through it's easier.

"He doesn’t respect you or your family. He doesn’t respect women full stop. She’s just a fuck receptacle to him, and you’re a housekeeper. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s true. He is deeply misogynist.

You need to think about you. Tell him you’re getting a job. Don’t ask, TELL. Time to switch things around and show him you can’t be controlled. Make things happen on your terms, by your own means."

THIS

He hasn't even got the respect to humble himself and fuck off out of your hair.

Please get some individual counselling and build up your self esteem to the point you can leave this revolting specimen.

This post is making my skin crawl, he really has done a number on you hasn't he?

You dont have the strength to break your life up? That says to him - green light to shag anyone he fancies.

He is telling you how to react, behave and feel. He broke his vows, he had sex with another woman, he disrespected you, your marriage and your life together and he thinks you shouldn’t be emotional about it???

Ask him when the marriage changed into an open marriage because you didn’t get the memo. And get fucking angry!! When you got married, had kids and planned your lives together did you ever think you’d be in this position?

I feel like trash but don't have the strength to break my entire life up

I haven't the least doubt he knows this - and that you've been "feeling grateful to be his priority now", and that you're feeling a bit isolated because of the family and friends situation, and that you're worried about your financial situation

He'll use every one of these things to persuade himself he can go right on doing exactly as he likes; a lack of any real action on your part will simply confirm it, and that's the end of your peace of mind

Only you can decide if you're prepared to settle for a future like that

He states this woman pursued him on a social media group they were both members of. Private messaged him being flirty and made it very clear she wanted him at any cost. He said he just felt curious and flattered

I understand why ur unwilling to leave but honestly you deserve better.

Nothing wrong with feeling curious and flattered. Curious, though. My husband said that too. He was just curious. Seriously, after years and therapy that's all the insight I have. He was curious. About her noonie, I suppose.