Is he a good husband and family man

[mrbigstuff]

If he ONLY has sex with the other woman when he's away with work? No other commitment flowers gifts etc but pure no feelings involved sex when he's away?

Views please

He's had the snip last year luckily

I know it's not fashionable on Mumsnet but many couples get through this.
And are happier.
But it takes work
You are a wonderful beautiful woman who deserves respect and as long as you realise this you won't accept any thing less.
If you're feeling a bit frumpy what about a make over?
Get him to pay.
New clothes?

But good communication is needed.
What do you want out the relationship ?
What does he want?
Do these goals still match?
If you really love him it can work but it will take time and patiences.

You don't have to make up your kind now but
Get evidence incase you need it down the line.
Get your own life! Don't be so dependant on him.

At the minute you're in shock. It doesn't matter what a hundred mumsnetters might do in this situation, the only person who has to make the decision about what to do is you.

And you know you don't have to decide instantly. You can take time to reflect. You could ask him to mov out for a few days to allow you to do this - his reaction will show you just how contrite he is or isn't.

Who calls their husbands other woman a "side chick" - sorry this post is weird

It sounds like the 1950s.
No is the answer to your question.'sexy side chick' ????? Who speaks like that apart from 70s porn stars?

Of course he doesn't want you to work. Men like this never do.

I know it's supposed to sound better that he's 'only' having sex with the OW and there are no emotions involved but to me that is equal or even worse than an emotional affair. Without feeling sorry for the OW on a personal level, I would not want to be with the type of man who would use another human as a mere wank receptacle. Indicative of a misogynist with shit morals.

Why do you think you deserve so little respect and consideration, op?
Serious question.

OP, sounds to me like you don't really want to rock the boat because you like the set up - he provides, you are at home. Where is your rage?

I agree with some.
It depends on what you can live with.

If you choose to forgive and forget then you have to let go.

I couldn't forgive nor forget personally. Everytime he walked out the door or was late home or his phone pinged, I'd feel sick.

Do what's not gonna harm you in the long run.

He doesn't sound good OP but only you can make that choice. Hope you're ok.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s an absolute dick and you sound like you deserve much better.

he runs/cycles/goes out with friends/ volunteers etc

Are you quite sure that he's where he says he is during all these "activities"? Because trust me on this ... if you are now, you soon won't be when the paranoia takes over and you're wondering about every phone call, every text and every few minutes of lateness

That's what awaits you if you stay, and that's what could easily leave you hollowed out so that, in the end, you'll hardly recognise yourself. Please don't assume he'll help you with this, because all too soon he'll be complaining that "he told you it was nothing but you just can't let it go" - in fact he'll probably blame you when he does it again, because you "pushed him away"

Is he worth a future like this?

If you saw his Facebook page you would think he was so in love with me. And the kids. Wonderful hubby material. I just can't believe how naïve I've been

Side kick and hubby - how old are you Op?

I might be alone in this but I think it would hurt more to be betrayed "just for the sex" than if my partner fell in love (though obviously both would be horrible). It"s the disrespect, the fact that he could risk losing you and the kids for a quick fumble that would really piss me off.

He loves you so much that he's only fucking her- well that sounds like true love to me then .

I'm so sorry op, you deserve so much better.

Why are you and he still together at all?. Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. He is taking you for a fool and sadly at present you are letting him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up. Was your dad a cheat too?

Are you still with him mainly because of your children?. He gave up on life with you and in turn them a long time ago.

Have a read of chumpladys website. Find your anger, do not do the pick me dance and divorce this awful man. Your children cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships.

Image is all important to such arrogant men. Burst his bubble of comfort. He really does think you have mug written on your forehead.

@Bookworm4 ?

OP, would he have told you if you hadn't found out? No. He would have kept on fooling you and thought he was a smart arse. You need to decide if you want to live with a man who would do that to you. Do you have daughters? How would you feel if this was happening to one of them?

I would get my ducks in a row and look towards leaving.

It depends on what you want to live with.

If you have no self-respect and zero self-esteemand think you can tolerate his behaviour because you like your lifestyle and it doesn't impact your children - go for it.

I'd rather not, but there you go.

Are you still in shock? @mrbigstuff

You've already described more than just sex while away with work.

If it were just that, you may never have found out. But obviously it's far more.

Not only that he keeps you at home, you are right he likes you being the wife and maid and mum at hone