Is he a good husband and family man

[mrbigstuff]

If he ONLY has sex with the other woman when he's away with work? No other commitment flowers gifts etc but pure no feelings involved sex when he's away?

Views please

Well, it's your relationship and your life, it's really up to you where you draw boundaries.

Do you think this is something you want to have in your relationship?

No. He risks producing bastards who will compete with his children for resources and passing on horrible diseases to his wife.

You what?

How long has it been going on?

How old are the kids?

How does he treat you?

That is an important question. My ex was HORRIBLE to me when he was infatuated with OW and was unacceptably disrespectful. But I do regret the destruction of my family.

And I got told off by an older man just the other day who talked of 'stress release' who says he would have given me a big talking to to turn a blind eye.

See, now you know. You can't un-know. 1. This person is not your best friend, he isn't deeply attached (loves you flaws and all), he compartmentalises. You are probably the wife appliance.

But: 2. "he's very attractive and has a good job and I don't work haven't for years" and he loves his children and you live in a nice house and a good lifestyle etc.

So: whether you LTB or not? 1. ALWAYS exists. I am 10 years down the line and I STILL hurt about 1. Still.

But I lost everything about 2.

So my very non pc question is, you have already lost 1. and that is a permanent condition, do you have to lose 2.

I don't know the answer, I am just wondering out loud. Especially if it is just an arrangement.

Whatever you do, be dignified. I wasn't. And it really hurt the children who are now bringing up how the scenes and rows damaged them. They see me as bad as him, which is an injustice that I have to swallow.

They are 7,,4 and 2

yes. he is not decent. if a decent, respectful man was unhappy he would leave if he knew there was no prospect of getting the marriage back to a mutually happy place. he would then work with you to sort out all the interim finances with you until you're finally agreed on how to sort everything for a clean break.

this is 99% your husband and 1% the person he cheated with.

He's a shit.

Why don't you see how dowdy you are when you have around 70% of his assets to spend on yourself?

Miss Sparkle-Sparkle might not seem so fun then.

Don't get mad, darling, get everything (and go treat yourself to some clothes, a haircut and a few hobbies).

Do you want your kids growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to behave? To this this is what marriage is?

When I discussed it he begged me to forgive this indiscretion. Says he is so happy with our life together and would never leave it's just pure sex. That she wanted more and he said no. That if he didn't love me so much he would be with her

@NannyRed what a pointless pathetic comment

I’ve known people who stayed together after affairs but the relationship was altered forever. I think both couples couldn’t accept the financial and material hit to them. Both late forties/early fifties. One with kids and one without.

Are they in happy together? I don’t know honestly but they’ve decided and they muddle along. In both cases it was the DW who was unfaithful.

Is your DH still affectionate to you? Are you in an intimate relationship? Because if you are I would get checked. Can you turn a blind eye and focus on material things and the kids and sacrifice personal happiness for that?

I couldn’t but many many people do. You say his behaviour tipped you off and if it honestly is a no emotion arrangement then that would worry me.

Also look after yourself, this has been a massive shock. You don’t have to make any decisions straight away but I would copy any evidence if you can incase you need it later.

Ah missed your update so he knows you know.

Oh op. It really sounds as though your confidence has taken a beating.

You are not at fault here, your husband has cheated on you. If he respected you he could have spoken to you about an open marriage but he cheated and lied to you.

@toycar this is the thing. They don't want to break up their family.

They want their cake and eat it. BOTH women are objects. There is the wife appliance who is very useful, and then there is the feelgood appliance.

So that is why this wife appliance who did LTB is wonderful out loud.

@mrbigstuff whatever you do eventually decide, you need to start developing your life NOW. You need to start making your own friends, start some sort of exercise or sport, get involved in committees/hobbies/voluntary work, look to developing your skills sets.

Start getting independent of him, what he thinks and what he wants. Just quietly, on your own, without confronting or trying to change him. You also need to start squirrelling money away. What is he like with money?

Tell us about friends. Are you shy, do you feel beaten down, what is the issue here?

If he loved you so much then surely he shouldn’t have had sex with her???

he's breached your trust though. doesnt matter that she wanted more and he said no. oh well done him for saying no to a regular/dating/sex relationship with someone else. a line has been crossed. he treated you with contempt. i couldn't live like that...feeling like the back up or the mum machine while he gets turned on and has sex with another woman. i'm so sorry, this must be a very hard thing to suggest.

digest, not suggest.

Men who love their wives don't have sex with other women.

Does he love you enough to give you the power to become independent? Help you go back to work, become financially independent etc so you are never powerless again? Because that's what you need to do.

not sure i agree benes . opportunistic men who enjoy the thrill and think they'll never get caught or slip up?

Whenever I've suggested work etc he tells me what a good job I'm doing at home

I think he wants to keep me in my place

In the meantime he runs/cycles/goes out with friends/ volunteers etc

'Sneaking off every few minutes always with his phone with him' and telling you he would be with her if it wasn't for you - that does not sound like just sex and no feelings.
Why don't you have any friends? Does he have something to do with this?