Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a relationship work if you're aren't sexually compatible?

116 replies

blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 15:52

So, name changed for this as my posts under my usual name are identifying so don't want this one to be linked!

So, I've been seeing someone for a few months. We get on like a house on fire. I could talk to him for what feels like forever. He makes me laugh, good company and all that good stuff.

Except.... oh my God. In the bedroom Shock

It's taken us a while to even get into the bedroom for all sorts of logistical reasons. But we did have an opportunity this week....

It. Was. Awful.

I barely got anything back from him, he largely just lay on his back and I couldn't even tell whether he was enjoying it!

I've never had this before and it just made me feel a bit.... shit. Like I was unattractive or not exciting him. There was just no bloody chemistry there at all and I've really got no desire to go there again!

But what does that mean for us? I can't imagine a life where I never have sex but equally I really like the guy and don't want to lose the companionship I have in him in.

I wouldn't even know where to start with feeding back or talking to him because it was just so.... meh. It's not like there was a technique or something I could say I'd like him to do differently because he just really didn't participate all that much Blush

I'm early 30s so hopefully a lot of years ahead and I'd quite like to have some good sex in them!

Any advice.... please?!

OP posts:
Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 15:52

Damn sorry for the terrible title!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/07/2019 15:53

Keep him as a platonic companion and find someone else to fuck

clpsmum · 07/07/2019 15:54

Oh no o feel sorry for you. Can't really offer advice as only you know if it's worth sorting this out but you would think (hope) on the first time a sexual partner would be trying to impress not just laying their like a sack of spuds 😱

MrsMozartMkII · 07/07/2019 15:54

Could it have been a nervous thing with him?

Maybe practice will improve things, though you'll probably have to find a way to talk about some of it.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 07/07/2019 15:56

You could try talking to him about it.

He may have been nervous, shy not used to you etc etc etc. But you won't know unless you talk to him.

You've had a sexual relationship, talking to him should be easy, of it isn't, you've got bigger issues.

gamerchick · 07/07/2019 15:58

It doesnt work. If you're not compatible in the bedroom then there will always be one of you unfulfilled, frustrated and eventually resentful.

If you like him then talk to him about it. Personally I'd dump without a backwards glance. Too old for a project.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/07/2019 16:03

Had he expressed a desire to have sex with you? Verbally I mean?

It sounds very strange!

I would ask him about it. Otherwise you will have to just have him as a friend and look elsewhere for a boyfriend.

What a shame. And how weird!!

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 16:16

@Chamomileteaplease yes that's what is so strange! And on previous occasions when we've kissed but for various reasons been unable to take it further it's felt quite passionate but this was.... nothing! I just don't get it. It was pretty much as bad as it could be!

OP posts:
Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 16:18

@MrsMozartMkII it could have been nerves I guess. I don't think he's very body confident. He wanted to keep the light off when we dressed.

But to be fair I've had a baby and so not exactly at the top of my game!

OP posts:
coolcahuna · 07/07/2019 16:25

Oh no I really feel for you!
I've had a situation like this before where there was no chemistry at all. And it got to the point when I was avoiding that with him all together! So you could try talking to him, maybe give it another go and then see

SimonJT · 07/07/2019 16:39

In my experience it doesn’t, my ex and I very much enjoyed the sex life that we had, but where as I want actual sex to be part of a relationship eventually, he didn’t. It caused problems as he thought I would seek it elsewhere (I wouldn’t) and what we did have wasn’t quite enough for me.

Ellapaella · 07/07/2019 16:45

It does seem a bit odd if you have kissed before and that felt passionate.. are there sparks? Do you have chemistry? I would need to feel very strongly physically attracted to a person to make it work personally. If I didn't feel a person found me sexually attractive I'm afraid that would be a no go for me.
Do you feel brave enough to speak to him about it? He might just be really nervous.

Ellabella989 · 07/07/2019 16:51

In my experience it won’t work long term without you/both being miserable and resentful. My last bf was such a lovely, intelligent, funny guy and we always had such a laugh together. He was bloody awful in bed though and just lay there like a sack of spuds no matter how much I tried to spice things up. I spoke to him multiple times and tried to gently coax him in the right direction but it never improved. I’m with someone else now who is equally as lovely etc but he’s also fantastic in bed and we have amazing sex every day. Don’t settle at your age

lifebegins50 · 07/07/2019 16:57

You will end up resenting him. It's more than just missing good sex but feeling unattractive and undesirable.

30s is actually the time for most women to feel at their peak so don't waste it on someone who isn't compatible.

Did he seem bothered about your satisfaction? If not then it suggests a selfish trait.

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 17:08

Oh God I'm going to have to speak to him aren't I. How do you even broach this sort of a subject? I don't want to hurt his feelings!

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 07/07/2019 17:08

Nope it doesn't work.
I'm an asexual and my ex was sex obsessed, would have just spent the entire weekend shagging all day and all night if allowed.
Suprise! It didn't work.
That sounds awful to me, at least I always used to make an effort regardless of whether it bored the hell out of me or not.
Sounds like friend material only.

Afteryoux · 07/07/2019 17:12

Why was he just lying on his back? Isn’t he old enough to know generally it doesn’t work like that?

What’s his relationship history? It makes you wonder how long he has been doing that and how many women have had to put up with it.

Bwekfusth · 07/07/2019 17:19

Sounds like maybe he has not had more than one sexual partner. What's his history?

Anothernick · 07/07/2019 17:32

Yes you need to talk to him, ask him what he wants and then you will be able to tell him what you want without appearing to be critical. You are very early in your relationship, if you like other aspects of him I'd suggest you give it a bit longer to work out the sexual side. But in the end sexual compatibility is essential in a long term relationship so If you can't work things out you will have to split.

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 17:33

I think he's had maybe one girlfriend but it didn't last long but he has had other sexual partners. I recall he told me 1 of them wasn't very good 

@Afteryoux I wish I knew! After I gave him oral sex he asked me if I 'actually' liked doing it and that basically he didn't and wouldn't be!

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 17:34

No.

The End.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 07/07/2019 17:34

NO! God, life is far too short for this. Please, please, raise your standards. Keep him as a friend.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 17:37

He will make you feel undesirable until you wither into a husk of your former self.

Which - based on his gallant 🤨 comment about you and also a previous gf - is probably just how he likes it.

🗑

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 17:38

And DON'T keep him as a friend.

Why would you want a shit for a friend?

MashedSpud · 07/07/2019 17:40

No. The sex and passion are always best at first so I’m afraid that’s as good as it gets. As for no oral.....he’s selfish. Find a man who wants to pleasure you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.