Can a relationship work if you're aren't sexually compatible?

[blobbywobby]

So, name changed for this as my posts under my usual name are identifying so don't want this one to be linked!

So, I've been seeing someone for a few months. We get on like a house on fire. I could talk to him for what feels like forever. He makes me laugh, good company and all that good stuff.

Except.... oh my God. In the bedroom

It's taken us a while to even get into the bedroom for all sorts of logistical reasons. But we did have an opportunity this week....

It. Was. Awful.

I barely got anything back from him, he largely just lay on his back and I couldn't even tell whether he was enjoying it!

I've never had this before and it just made me feel a bit.... shit. Like I was unattractive or not exciting him. There was just no bloody chemistry there at all and I've really got no desire to go there again!

But what does that mean for us? I can't imagine a life where I never have sex but equally I really like the guy and don't want to lose the companionship I have in him in.

I wouldn't even know where to start with feeding back or talking to him because it was just so.... meh. It's not like there was a technique or something I could say I'd like him to do differently because he just really didn't participate all that much

I'm early 30s so hopefully a lot of years ahead and I'd quite like to have some good sex in them!

Any advice.... please?!

It won't work. Keep him as a friend and move on. If it makes you feel crappy now, think how you'll feel years down the line!

Ditch him

A life without oral

It should all be passion and fireworks

No oral. The end. Bye!

You could be describing my last boyfriend. He was previously married for 20 years and had a subsequent girlfriend for 2 years but my god the sex was dire!

Exactly as you describe.

So either, this was just how he had sex and, in his mid 50s was unlikely to change, or he just didn't fancy me - but why you'd be naked in bed having 'meh' sex with someone you didn't fancy - and more than once - is something I can't get my head around anyway!

Anyway, any effort I made to address it and talk to him about it were shut down; any flirting was shut down; any attempt to create a more romantic/seductive mood was ignored...

We got on very well otherwise but life is too short for shit sex and the resulting decimation of your self esteem.

Oh God I think you're all right. But I also don't really know whether he'd want just a friendship. I'd hate to lose him. He REALLY is lovely and kind and patient in so many other ways. He's a very giving person. Just not with this!

Sounds excruciating! Dump!

@bigchris I actually spat my cuppa on the floor laughing at your shuddering 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 brilliant! Best mumsnet comment ever 😂😂

He's not 'really lovely'. He's not giving, either. Quit looking for ways to fix him, you can't fix shit in bed unless you, the shit in bed person, is the one to take the initiative to fix it yourself. He's not. Just end it! You don't owe him anything more than this relationship doesn't work for me anymore/we're incompatible/whatever twaddle you need to end it. But god, trust me, lousy in bed will leave you so unfulfilled and bored and resentful eventually.

I was with my stbxh for 15 years. The sex wasn't great, he never made me feel desirable tbh I felt like a piece of meat. I used to avoid it as much as possible tbh. I actually thought the problem was me and I just didn't like sex and wasn't a very sexual person. Since meeting new partner I've realised the problem was definitely him. Life is way too short for shit sex I'm afraid. You are going to have to get rid of him sorry

Sex is the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship.

If that isn't working it's really not a romantic relationship and trying to force it to be is unlikely to work.

How old is he? If relatively young there's a possibility you can "educate" him but if older he's unlikely to change or even be open to it, particularly as I think it very unlikely that nobody else has raised the issue with him.

Although I'm afraid

"No oral. The end. Bye!" I agree on this!

"He's a very giving person. Just not with this!" Actually I think this is very telling. It's easy in the early days to fake being generous and unselfish on a conscious level but sex can be very revealing of people's true selves.

I'm going to say no here.

It will pervade every other part of your relationship. You will resent that lack of connection and it will be awful.

I spent 10 years in a relationship with someone I was NOT sexually compatible with and it was godawful.

The first time with a new partner can feel like losing your virginity again, especially if you haven’t slept with anyone for a while.

It’s possible he just felt nervous and didn’t want to make a wrong move. I’d give him another shot and see if it improves with time.

Ok so how did you meet and how often do you see him?? You say he has lots of good qualities which is good. The sex thing can be worked on if theres a spark.

He maybe does lack confidence if he hasn't had many sexual partners or long term relationships and was allowing you to take the lead.

However do not put up with a shitty sex life. That last comment from him was weird too. Is he telling you he doesn't give oral?

We met online. Probably see each other once a week.

I genuinely really really like him and could talk to him for hours. I enjoy days out with him, I think about most of the time.

But I think if I'm truly honest there's not actually a 'spark' between us and I gather that's important...

@clpsmum sorry!!

Yep accepting head from you and then saying he won’t be doing it is shit. Until then I’d have said practise and communicate before giving up as it might be nerves/getting to know each other. But it sounds like he’s selfish and quite lazy so nah.

My DH hates giving oral so I’m facing a life sentence of shit/selfish sex. I wish I’d ditched years ago. Don’t end up like me. Go get great sex. Keep trying them out until you find one who does the business right.

If it was the first time then there are all sorts of reasons why it maybe didn't work. Nerves most likely? If you really like the guy then I would at least give him a chance to redeem himself.

FWIW my dp and I have great sex but very mismatched sex drives. He doesn't want it as much as I do but we've both learned to compromise. Even if I don't get it as much as I'd like I wouldn't end the relationship over it because he is an amazing person and I love him to bits.

Sex is important but it's not everything. Would you rather have a total shithead who was good in bed (been there too!)

All I'm saying is I think you're judging a bit harshly. Just my opinion.

@cheesychipsandbighips wise words. My ex was incredible in bed but a total twat in every other way.

But when I say the sex is awful with new guy I really, really mean it's god damn awful.

But yes I think a second chance is needed before anything else. I don't really fancy it now though!

FFS this is exactly why I don't think I would ever want another sexual relationship with a woman.

I would be as nervous as hell, and therefore probably 'shit' / 'dump the bastard' in the eyes of everyone on here if I ever got to the stage of meeting someone and taking it to that stage.

Sex is important but it's not everything

Quite right! As you get older you'll realise this. Sex should always be great in the first few weeks/months, then the initial excitement wears off and you have to be able to live with each other's habits. Me and my DH are sexually at very different places as in i'm virtually asexual and he's got a high sex drive but somehow we've made it thru 15 years! The trick is we were friends first, who happened to fancy each other, had the same interests and made each other laugh. (that's very important)
If it doesn't feel right from the start then don't piss around..ditch him and wait for the real deal. Good luck

You ok @meow?

@bigchris you win the award for "first total stranger in incredibly proud of!" 🏆

@blobbywobby I don't think you should waste time if the spark just isn't there but I do think that if he's great in every other way then he's probably worth another chance.

I've got to say I've never had an exceptional first shag with a new partner. The nerves always get the better of me. I find that sex gets better as you get to know each other more, become more comfortable and learn how to push one another's buttons. But I guess if it was really awful then that's maybe different.

I have to laugh at these threads though. If a guy came on here and said he was thinking of breaking up with a woman because she was a shit shag he'd probably get strung up and informed about all the potential reasons why she might not be on her a-game (health, hormones, emotions and so on). But flip it around and everyone is telling you to LTB already 😂

EAIOU not especially, no. This sort of thread truly grinds my gears. Some men are inexperienced. Shy. Nervous, even if theyve had one or two partners in the past. We're not all instant sex machines. For christ's sake maybe just give him a chance, a bit of guidance somewhere. Maybe the OP might eventually have unearthed a gem which judging by most threads on here are obviously in short supply. I'd fully agree that if things don't improve in time then yes, the OP should move on but the usual LTB responses on here are pretty dejecting.