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Original poster

Can a relationship work if you're aren't sexually compatible?

116 replies

blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 15:52

So, name changed for this as my posts under my usual name are identifying so don't want this one to be linked!

So, I've been seeing someone for a few months. We get on like a house on fire. I could talk to him for what feels like forever. He makes me laugh, good company and all that good stuff.

Except.... oh my God. In the bedroom Shock

It's taken us a while to even get into the bedroom for all sorts of logistical reasons. But we did have an opportunity this week....

It. Was. Awful.

I barely got anything back from him, he largely just lay on his back and I couldn't even tell whether he was enjoying it!

I've never had this before and it just made me feel a bit.... shit. Like I was unattractive or not exciting him. There was just no bloody chemistry there at all and I've really got no desire to go there again!

But what does that mean for us? I can't imagine a life where I never have sex but equally I really like the guy and don't want to lose the companionship I have in him in.

I wouldn't even know where to start with feeding back or talking to him because it was just so.... meh. It's not like there was a technique or something I could say I'd like him to do differently because he just really didn't participate all that much Blush

I'm early 30s so hopefully a lot of years ahead and I'd quite like to have some good sex in them!

Any advice.... please?!

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 07/07/2019 20:38

@MeowTseTung, I don't think it's about technique or nerves but willingness to meet your partners needs. If he gave nothing back then that is selfish.

I had a dreadful experience first time with a partner, but he seemed bothered and that makes the difference.

Had the op said, he was asking if it was ok or showed some concern then the replies would be very different.

VanGoghsDog · 07/07/2019 20:39

But there's a vast difference between the 'not top of your game' first shag (which I'm sure we all understand) and a guy who lies there, says he won't be doing oral and acts totally disinterested!

Butterymuffin · 07/07/2019 21:01

cheesychips has a point. Though I think it's that line about not doing oral that is the killer rather than the disappointing actual experience. OP, you need to broach that and ask a, did he really mean that about oral, and b, is it definitely a sexual relationship he wants with you because you got mixed signals from him the other night. Sorry but this can only be resolved properly with a conversation.

Belenus · 07/07/2019 21:04

Sex is important but it's not everything. Would you rather have a total shithead who was good in bed (been there too!)

It's not either/ or. There are decent blokes out there who are good in bed (or wherever else you choose to shag).

I was going to say talk to him OP and see what's going on. It could have been nerves or lack of confidence. But then you said he was fine with receiving oral and then made it clear he wouldn't give it. Now I'm not that fussed one way or the other and can live without it but I do want a partner who will discuss these things and recognises the need for give and take.

Nerves are one thing - that's fine, been there, especially if you really like someone. Being selfish is another ball game. Unless you are sexually compatible I wouldn't bother. And it doesn't have to be great first time but it has to be something.

MeowTseTung · 07/07/2019 21:12

Has this bloke had any sort of sheltered upbringing? The oral comment almost sounds like that was his first blow job, or at least that he hasn't had many. Which sort of makes it understandable if he might not want to reciprocate first time - if he sticks to that line then yeah, move on, it clearly matters. As for not 'performing' otherwise, yes it sounds too odd to be normal but given the OP gets on well otherwise with him surely it's worth discussing rather than the usual instant heave-ho. It sounds like he just wanted the OP to do what she wanted with him. He might need a nudge in the right direction to understand he needs to participate. Sure, don't spend too long finding out but don't spend no time understanding why he behaved as he did when you've got an otherwise good relationship.

cheesychipsandbighips · 07/07/2019 21:15

It definitely doesn't have to be either/or but finding the whole package is tough sometimes!! Given the choice I would prefer to have a fundamentally good guy and work on the sex side together, rather than have fireworks in the bedroom but be dealing with a dickhead the rest of the time.

Given that the said he is great and they get on so well, I find his unwillingness to please or even talk about it pretty strange. Some guys have major issues with oral though I guess just as some women do. It would be good but probably painfully awkward to have the conversion sooner rather than later I guess.

Graphista · 07/07/2019 21:16

Meowtsetung the issue isn't technique or ability it's attitude.

If he were interested in op's pleasure and willing to at least consider ways to improve things then yes, it can be worked on.

But it doesn't sound like that's the case, it sounds like he plain can't be bothered! If she talks to him to establish if this is indeed the case then I think that's fair enough.

If he agrees he needs to make more effort and is willing to work at it then possibly it could work out but if not then yea, dump his lazy selfish arse!

Leftielefterson · 07/07/2019 21:19

Definitely speak to him about this as it would be such a shame for things to come to end for something that could be cured. Tell him what you like, your expectations, what he likes etc. It’s important to talk about this stuff at the start of a relationship to ensure you’re on the same page.

If stuff doesn’t improve then yes, for me it would be a deal breaker. Sex is so important in a relationship and bad sex just wouldn’t be acceptable to me. Hope the chat goes well!

Belenus · 07/07/2019 21:23

Given the choice I would prefer to have a fundamentally good guy and work on the sex side together, rather than have fireworks in the bedroom but be dealing with a dickhead the rest of the time.

True, Cheesy. You can't give someone a major personality transplant whereas if they're inexperienced and/ or nervous when it comes to sex that is something that can change. In the OP's situation I would talk to him about the problem. But it is the seeming lack of willingness to even try to please someone that is odd.

Piggle23 · 07/07/2019 21:27

This is quite cruel. Maybe he froze up and was nervous. These comments are pretty disgusting. Yeah life is too short for shit sex but we don't know his background or whether he just froze up out of nerves. Fucking hell.

LizzieSiddal · 07/07/2019 21:27

But yes I think a second chance is needed before anything else. I don't really fancy it now though!

No don’t give him a second chance unless you really want to!

Tbh he just sounds incredibly rude, how can anyone just lie there, not doing anything? I mean if you’re nervous you’d at least pretend to be enjoying yourself and giving some encouragement.

The fact you left this encounter feeling “like shit”, is such a red flag!

Piggle23 · 07/07/2019 21:27

Just fucking talk to him.

LizzieSiddal · 07/07/2019 21:29

This is quite cruel. Maybe he froze up and was nervous.

Well he’s an adult and should have said something afterwards, even by text, to apologise. The OP said he made her feel shit. She does not have to put up with that.

Honeyroar · 07/07/2019 21:31

It's the statement that he's going not be doing oral sex ever that's the nail in the coffin. I could cope with a bloke being bad in bed if he at least did his upmost when it came to foreplay to make sure that I got what I needed.. This man doesn't even seem bothered about pleasing you sexually if he just wants to lie there.

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 21:33

Ah, Rather mixed responses now.

It was a combination of not caring about my pleasure (clearly - he just didn't participate!) but also I got NOTHING out of him during oral - he literally just lay there. I really felt crap after - I must have done a bad job not to get a single iota of a response. Maybe I'm the one who's crap actually Blush

But I think a second chance and or a chat will have to happen. I REALLY like him other than that and he's genuinely a lovely man with a good heart.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 21:38

I would be as nervous as hell, and therefore probably 'shit' / 'dump the bastard' in the eyes of everyone on here

He's not bad in bed, he's WILLFULLY bad in bed. He literally said he expects oral (and then insulted OP about her oral and also said something pejorative about a previous gf's technique) then said he'll never return the favour. He's shit in bed because he wants to be shit in bed, because he doesn't give a shit. There's no fixing a willful shit. 💩

Maybe the OP might eventually have unearthed a gem

He's not a gem. Maybe he's fools gold.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 21:50

but also I got NOTHING out of him during oral - he literally just lay there. I really felt crap after - I must have done a bad job not to get a single iota of a response

That's what he intended.

Maybe I'm the one who's crap actually

Yep, he meant you to think that too.

But I think a second chance and or a chat will have to happen

After the above, why?! Do the freedom programme, please, do it. You owe this almost stranger nothing. Doubt he'd return the favour if he won't even return the favour, hmmm?

I REALLY like him

Based on what? He put on a nice show ... when he wasn't insulting you sexually and also saying how his ex was also a crap lay. He's not likeable, he's gross and grooming/testing you for worse.

he's genuinely a lovely man with a good heart.

He destroys women's sexual confidence, how is he lovely with a good heart? He's a greeble. You're projecting what you want to find in a man onto this nothing guy. He doesn't call himself "genuine" by any chance, did he? Because that's a red flag all of its own.

But you really already know all this, which is why you came here to ask the question. You can't fix him, you can't save him, you can't magic a decent man out of him. He's irredeemably crap and he'll drag you and your self esteem right down the toilet with him.

poglets · 07/07/2019 21:50

It's a long hard road if you settle for shit sex, or no sex. You have to be prepared for this being your set up. Can you imagine that and be happy with this being it?

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 21:56

@PicsInRed crikey. But why would he deliberately be crap?! I don't get it Sad

OP posts:
MeowTseTung · 07/07/2019 22:02

Think you should, it sounds like you've got an otherwise good friendship going on and it would be a shame for it to fizzle out because of this. His behaviour, his lack of response, yeah its strange on the face of it. It's so strange that there has to be something behind it, whether it's down to something deep and psychological, or performance anxiety, or simple fear, or simply not wanting to take it to that level. It may turn out that there's no future in it but you need that talk even if only to clear your mind.

I know I've tried to side with him in this one. It's just that he sounds like how I was years and years ago. Although I could sort of get on with people socially back then I was terrified of intimacy and sex, you can probably tell this thread has hit a nerve with me. When I eventually started seeing someone back then and got to the sex stage, I was absolutely petrified as I knew I would be. And crap and unresponsive and dumped as a result. And when your early experiences are like that, it takes a while to regain any sort of confidence. God knows I wish I could have explained afterwards why I felt like that back then, but I couldn't and that was that.

Of course your man's situation could be nothing like mine but equally it could be. It'll be mega awkward to broach the subject and you might not like how things end up but at least give him an opportunity.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 22:04
  1. He cant be bothered;
  2. He made clear to you that YOU weren't doing it for him. Put the responsibility on you.

Now he has you crawling all over yourself trying to figure him out, fix him, make him like you. Your head is absolutely full to turn brim of him, with no space for anything of your own.

Just as he likes it.

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 22:06

@MeowTseTung thank you so much for your perspective. I hope things have got easier for you. That sounds so tough.

OP posts:
Belenus · 07/07/2019 22:06

Well at the moment OP you're saying "I can't imagine a life where I never have sex but equally I really like the guy and don't want to lose the companionship I have in him in." So he makes you feel shit, but you really want to be with him.

Obviously responses to this are varied. There's the argument that he could just have been nervous, through to oh just dump him. If you're fairly cynical, you might think that he wants you to feel shit about yourself. Lowering someone's self esteem is a great way to start being able to manipulate and abuse them.

Now we're not in the situation. We don't know this man. But I can also be cynical and Pics may well have a point. I've known nervous men, they generally say "I'm nervous" and you talk about it and take your time. What they don't do IME is lie there making you feel shit about yourself. So is that a deliberate tactic on his part or is he so naive, insecure and nervous he cannot see a problem with this and try to fix it?

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 22:07

Meow, sympathy for your past position, but it is NOT the OP's job to fix this guy. Her self esteem will be destroyed in trying. He needs to fix himself (showing some willing would be a good place to start...).

Women are not conduits to a man's enlightenment. They are conduits to their own.

Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 22:07

@PicsInRed but he doesn't know this of course. I didn't let on how I felt at the time and I've not brought it up since!

OP posts:
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