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Original poster

Can a relationship work if you're aren't sexually compatible?

116 replies

blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 15:52

So, name changed for this as my posts under my usual name are identifying so don't want this one to be linked!

So, I've been seeing someone for a few months. We get on like a house on fire. I could talk to him for what feels like forever. He makes me laugh, good company and all that good stuff.

Except.... oh my God. In the bedroom Shock

It's taken us a while to even get into the bedroom for all sorts of logistical reasons. But we did have an opportunity this week....

It. Was. Awful.

I barely got anything back from him, he largely just lay on his back and I couldn't even tell whether he was enjoying it!

I've never had this before and it just made me feel a bit.... shit. Like I was unattractive or not exciting him. There was just no bloody chemistry there at all and I've really got no desire to go there again!

But what does that mean for us? I can't imagine a life where I never have sex but equally I really like the guy and don't want to lose the companionship I have in him in.

I wouldn't even know where to start with feeding back or talking to him because it was just so.... meh. It's not like there was a technique or something I could say I'd like him to do differently because he just really didn't participate all that much Blush

I'm early 30s so hopefully a lot of years ahead and I'd quite like to have some good sex in them!

Any advice.... please?!

OP posts:
Original poster
blobbywobby · 07/07/2019 22:10

@Belenus I would be absolutely fall on the floor shocked if he wanted me to feel like that. I really don't think it was deliberate! This could so easily backfire on him if it was deliberate - look how many posters on this thread would have LTB for that encounter!

No, I felt more like we were just completely sexually incompatible and that's what I can't work out if it could work out despite that incompatibility.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 22:19

You don't need to tell him you're upset, he knows because he did it.

Why do this? Well, like a Nigerian scammer, n abuser might figuratively throw out some badly spelled and formed emails until some suckers respond. Only suckers respond. That really saves time for them - straight to money. Same with an abusive man. Do little things and early because (1) it weeds out the secure/experienced types and (2) it gets the target accustomed to more and more abuse and (3) the target is so busy trying to figure this out that they arent looking at any of his other stuff. It's textbook.

Now, to be clear, you're not a sucker, because you've gone "wait a second" and asked the question. Some won't ask. Those lucky ladies will find out what round 2 has in store for them.

PicsInRed · 07/07/2019 22:19

And please do The Freedom Programme.

ahumanfemale · 07/07/2019 22:27

OP if you are willing to devote considerable time to being and unpaid, unthanked therapist AND sex therapist AND relationship coach/therapist, then carry on. It may work, but the cost to you will be dear.

You're not sexually compatible.

That's a shame, sad even, but NOTHING compared to what it'll do to you if you continue.

Find someone else who you gel with in bed.

IF this guy comes to you and initiates a conversation about the sex, giving some explanation for it that in no way blames you and focuses on his desire to learn, then it's something to consider. Otherwise, do not waste your energy on this, it'll deplete you.

Sosayi · 07/07/2019 22:28

That’s why when I was single I like to get the sex out of the way ASAP
If they were crap or we didn’t click I didn’t waste any time over it
You may have built it up in your head that you were going to have this amazing passionate sex and all you got was a shit shag
My DH is and still is amazing in bed
In my experience sex won’t really get any better with this guy
If he was a bit nervous you could work on it but he sounds selfish
The no oral bit would have had me stoping and picking up my clothes and leaving
Selfish prick is what I would call him

Roussette · 07/07/2019 22:35

The worst sex I ever had was with a boyfriend who on paper was perfect. We had so much in common, laughed together blah blah. After quite a few dates (he wanted it to be right) we DTD.

OMG it was the worst worst sex I'd ever had. I had never been in that position before and I had plenty of experience. I persisted with the relationship because I liked him and thought it was first time nerves etc. We limped (literally) along for quite a few months with me desperately trying to improve the sex. I tried absolutely everything but I slowly began to dread the physical side (which is very unlike me!)

Be warned blobbywobby.... what happened to me was that this boyfriend I had then finished with me and totally and utterly blamed me for our dire sex life. Apparently it was all my fault because I was too English and the french are much better at sex Hmm I've always been very giving and loving but according to him I was 'unresponsive' in bed. I was furious!
It was so long ago but it didn't half dent my confidence for a while. Until I got back on the bike and realised he was an insecure twat who was useless in bed and it was nothing to do with me.

If you challenge this man, I betcha he'll turn it back on you.

Afteryoux · 08/07/2019 05:54

Yes he probably would as he already criticised a previous partner. No self-awareness whatsoever!

Devendra · 08/07/2019 06:55

No way would I hang around. At this stage in a relationship there should be desire and passion. Excitement at getting to know each other physically as well as emotionally. Besides the 'no oral sex' which is complete deal-breaker...he just lay there? I don't buy that he was nervous or froze... He could have got involved by kissing touching and wanting to explore your body. He sounds horrendously selfish and personally I'd be ending it. Life is way too short to settle for a rubbish shag.

litterbird · 08/07/2019 08:00

oh, its a very difficult situation. Give him a chance first of all and don't go on more than 3 months. I gave a man 6 months to 'improve'....but as you said, "he limped on" for all that time. I took it as a hit against my self esteem thinking it was me. Nothing improved for the whole time and he was a very nice chap. I always wondered when he told me at the beginning that he has had a fair amount of relationships but they dont seem to last. I knew why after 6 months. I have never had this problem before but I am in the older bracket and know that some men suffer with ED problems so was willing to give it more time and effort. I hope it improves for you x

Eesha · 08/07/2019 08:11

I'd say give it a while and see if it improves. I don't think I ever had a great sex life with my few previous partners. A lot was me being scared of intimacy and just wanting to please them. However the relationships did last long periods of time, I just wasn't satisfied much. My new FWB is pretty great in bed but would be a hopeless long term partner but has taught me huge amounts about how to accept pleasure, what it's like to really feel desired sexually. I guess I'm saying see whether things improve if he really is that great

Branleuse · 08/07/2019 08:16

I think he sounds like a really nice friend, but there is zero spark in between the sheets, which means not boyfriend material.

itsallafiddle · 08/07/2019 08:21

When you say you got no response...did he actually get an erection?

velocitygirl7 · 08/07/2019 08:22

I've learnt the hard way that a spark & very strong chemistry is vital.
My ex dh was a sweet man, we ticked along nicely but post dc and during tough times it literally felt like there was nothing special about us, we were just friends really.
My current dh literally blew me away when I laid eyes on him, he instantly felt the same and that feeling has lasted. We've been together for 11 years now and the huge spark between us is amazing. We've had a rough few years but even now when he kisses me, my tummy flips.
You could try talking to him but if you're saying the chemistry isn't there, then it's probably best to walk away.

Eminado · 08/07/2019 08:27

@Afteryoux I wish I knew! After I gave him oral sex he asked me if I 'actually' liked doing it and that basically he didn't and wouldn't be!

Game over at this point, personally.

Belenus · 08/07/2019 09:57

what happened to me was that this boyfriend I had then finished with me and totally and utterly blamed me for our dire sex life

Yes, do watch out for that one OP. The worst sex I had was with someone with ED and no, it wasn't just the PIV that was bad, all of it was. I patiently told him that it was fine, there were plenty of other things we could do, not everything was about PIV. He said it had always been a bit problematic for him but had got progressively worse over the ten years prior to us dating. There was lots of other stuff we could do but sex became all about the one thing he couldn't do. At no time did he seek any medical help with this and he never had done.

We split up after about a year. Apparently our dire sex life, including the ED he'd had for a decade before he met me, was my fault. It destroyed my self confidence. I didn't have sex with anyone for about four years after that. Fortunately, after a lot of therapy, this has a good ending for me. But really, save yourself the pain and don't let him destroy your self esteem.

Belenus · 08/07/2019 11:27

My current dh literally blew me away when I laid eyes on him

Did he use dynamite or does he just have very strong lungs?

ZaZathecat · 08/07/2019 11:45

Maybe you need to have a talk with him about what you enjoy and what he enjoys and try to find some common ground.

velocitygirl7 · 08/07/2019 12:07

@Belenus No, he's just very hot Grin

ErrolFinn · 08/07/2019 12:36

Wow - I'm shocked by some of the comments on this thread.
I feel if it was the other way around and a man was told to dump a women that, by his own admission, was a lovely person because of one bad sexual encounter people would be tearing him apart.
I agree sexual compatibility is important in a relationship but it's not the be all and end all. What if your DP got into an accident that meant sex was no longer possible, would you leave them because of that?
The oral thing - I feel him. The thought of giving oral sex makes me feel physically sick (recieving too) but my DH is fine about that and it has no impact on our relationship.
OP - give him another chance especially if he is as nice as you say he is. An open and honest conversation goes a long way into creating long lasting relationships.

Belenus · 08/07/2019 13:06

I agree sexual compatibility is important in a relationship but it's not the be all and end all. What if your DP got into an accident that meant sex was no longer possible, would you leave them because of that?

There's quite a difference, IMO, between choosing not to have sex, or not making any effort during sex, and being unable to have it due to ill health. Sexual compatibility is very important. It may be that sex isn't very important to you, which is fine, but in that case you need a partner who also isn't that bothered. If both partners in a relationship aren't fussed about having sex, they are sexually compatible. The compatibility is important even if sex isn't to them.

I enjoy good sex, it is important to me. I've had partners with lower sex drives and it just doesn't work. If I or my bf stop being able to have sex for some reason we'll deal with it because we care about each other. If one us just thinks "I'll lie here and let them do all the work and not worry about their enjoyment AT ALL" then we have a problem.

GarakIsMySweetheart · 08/07/2019 13:15

I agree sexual compatibility is important in a relationship but it's not the be all and end all. What if your DP got into an accident that meant sex was no longer possible, would you leave them because of that?

Actually, it's sexual compatability is a dealbreaker for me.

Of course I wouldn't dump a partner who was injured and sexual capacity/interest changed, but someone who was sexually incompatible from the outset? No.

raspberryk · 08/07/2019 13:39

A little bit of difference can be compromised on but on the whole if it's like that at the very start it may not get better. Unless it was a one off due to nerves.
Communication at the point is key imo.

There's nothing wrong with hating oral, some people don't get it, a person has every right to decide what they will do sexually. If men were laying down their rights to blow jobs on a forum and being told they should dump women over this I think you lot would be insenced by their chauvinistic entitlement.

GarakIsMySweetheart · 08/07/2019 13:44

If men were laying down their rights to blow jobs on a forum and being told they should dump women over this I think you lot would be insenced by their chauvinistic entitlement.

I think so too.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 08/07/2019 14:29

I feel if it was the other way around and a man was told to dump a women that, by his own admission, was a lovely person because of one bad sexual encounter people would be tearing him apart.

No, he wouldn't. Not seen that happen. And the issue is that it's a new relationship, not an established one where one person then becomes incapacitated. Sexual compatibility is very important to a lot of people. No one needs a reason to continue a new relationship that no longer suits them. It's pretty stupid to hang onto one you find very unfulfilling in one major area.

Giving people 'chances' or trying to change them or compromising what to you is a major issue is a certain recipe for a shitty relationship. Move on whilst it's early enough, don't invest more time in a person who is not compatible with you.

Give yourself another chance to find someone who suits you better and him a chance to find someone who's not bothered by no oral and lame sex.

Afteryoux · 08/07/2019 17:05

In this case it’s not so much that they are incompatible as he didn’t bother trying. What would be the point in trying again?

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