Porn addicted partner and trying to conceive

[TashaD22]

Hi Guys,

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet, but I have always stalked the threads and had a giggle at some of the stories people have told. I really need advice and feel very emotional even writing this.
I have been with my partner for 11 years at this stage and I'm 29 years old. My partner is 32 and has a porn addiction. Now I know men watch porn and I dont mind , as long as it is not getting in the way of our own sex life and intimacy. I have noticed over the last year or two that it has just gotten worse. He has a fake IG account he uses to follow roughly 900 women and uses a fake email address. I know he is not messaging the women and also I am 100% he is not cheating on me. Im really at a loss as what to do at this stage :( I have talked to him about his porn use and that I dont feel comfortable with all the women he is following online, he has promised numerous times he will delete the account and even went as far to say he had emailed customer support to find out why his account is still showing up online. On any given day I might find over 100 downloaded images of different women bending over with their bits on display :( I know he is actively watching porn everyday and we have sex once a week on average and I strongly feel its only because I'm the one initiating. I feel like Im having sex with a Robot. No foreplay, no intimate touches. He takes forever to finish ( sorry, Too Much Info I know. I've always told myself a relationship is not worth ending over sex issues alone if everything else is fine. He is a great guy aside from all this. But my self esteem has taken a huge hit. He doesn't seem as invested into conceiving a child as I am and I'm starting to have doubts. I always miss my ovulation time because he doesnt want to get intimate or is too tired, but then goes to bed and watches porn. He has denied having a porn addiction and thinks I'm over reacting and Crazy!
Has anybody else had experience with this or could give me some advice please? I would be very grateful

He is not a great guy. He thinks women exist purely for his sexual gratification. He has zero respect for you and all women. Why on earth have you chosen this porn soaked specimen to father your potential children?

Sounds like he's a fantastic partner and will absolutely make a brilliant father ..... not.

Find someone else. It will blow your mind to have a relationship with someone that respects you and wants to be with you and raises your self esteem and who actually has time for you.

Stop TTC. The last thing you need is a baby with this man.

Your self esteem will improve drastically by getting rid of this man.

This man is absolutely vile, I can't imagine why you are with him and particularly why you want him to father your child.

I can assure you a lot of men don't watch porn and wouldn't even think of doing so.

You are being too accommodating to him, probably because you've known him for a very long time and don't know much else but you could do loads better!

Pack him up and spend the next couple of years regaining your self respect - and find someone else who is decent and will respect you.

Words fail me

Tasha!!

This is not nice to read :( Personally I would find this so so insulting. Porn okay.. but following 900 women on Instagram? Watching porn every single day and not initiating any sex with you? How insulting!! And how disgusting!!
Im sorry to say this but I really wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on you, please don't be naïve to that. My partner had a serious addiction to porn and sexting, I never let him follow other women unless they were friends. But turns out he was on tinder messaging and sending pictures of his little willy to 100s of women, I never bothered to ask cause I didn't want to know, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was sleeping around either.
Don't let him get away with it, it will only get worse. If he doesn't respect you enough to get rid of what your not happy with completely then I would advise you get rid that dirty man. Don't let the fact you love this man, be the reason you allow yourself to be hurt and upset. Remember somebody that loves you and respects you, will want you to be at peace and happy, so if he wont do that, then he doesn't have any respect for you love xx

Why on Earth are you trying to have a baby with this man? Thank your lucky stars you aren’t tied to him and run for the hills! You’re 29- plenty of time to find a lovely partner who doesn’t think you’re a masturbation aid

Do not have a baby with this man. Leave.

This will only get worse if you have dc together. Stop ttc.

Do your future self an enormous favour and end things with this guy. Life is too short for this shit.

Find someone who is excited about being with you and desires you. This will slowly chew away at you and make you miserable, otherwise.

Does he know that he'll become permanently impotent if he doesn't tackle his addiction?

My ex had the same issue. He was a great guy - I can't stress how much I loved him - but his porn addiction was the end for us. He kept it hidden for a long time. I always wondered why he struggled to get it up, struggled to release, no foreplay, not much connection - it killed my confidence even before knowing about his addiction. He'd unknowingly objectify women by having to search for any woman he found attractive in a film - he'd have to see them in porn or naked. I discovered it just after having his baby through seeing his history via his tablet. It turned out he was spending at least £100 a month on porn sites, yet blamed the birth of our daughter as a reason for not having any money; he never had any money! Well, it killed me. My self esteem took a huge nose dive and I became extremely depressed when I should've been enjoying being a family. Needless to say, I left with our baby a few months later.

If he's like my ex and doesn't take it seriously, he'll never be able to maintain a healthy relationship years down the line. Do you know if he's paying for it? I don't think people appreciate how bad this kind of addiction is. It's the only addiction that impacts on your self esteem.

I was all up for supporting my ex but he rejected my help, rejected my pleas, and refused to listen to how it was destroying me. And despite apparently seeing me as his future, he moved onto the next exciting woman as soon as I left. I feel like sending her a sympathy card as he'll do exactly the same thing to her.

For your own mental health, leave.

You need to not have a baby with a man who has an addiction so severe it makes you feel like shit.

He doesnt even acknowledge the problem. This relationship will only get worse.

A baby wont him get any better or make you feel better. Ita not fair bringing a baby into this.

Please do not TTC with this wank stain (pun intended !)

There's so much more to life than settling for someone do disgusting OP! Seriously !

Why on earth do you want to Have a baby with him. Come on, you can do better, way better.

It sounds like you have been with your partner for basically all your adult life. Maybe this is why you have got so used to this kind of situation and may not realise just how weird and unacceptable it is.

This behaviour from him is 100% NOT normal or OK.

You deserve much better from a partner and your kid deserves a much, much better father. Please don't have kids with him. You would be much better off finding yourself a decent guy who treats you with respect and actually has a life instead of just spending all day w**king over other women.

You would be totally insane to even think about having a baby with this bloke. What makes you think he'd be a good father?? He's not even interested in sex with you. He's addicted to porn. That's his top priority.

And where is your self respect? Normal men don't follow hundreds of other women (who star in porn films?) or download hundreds of images of them all the time. Normal men don't prioritise wanking over sex with their wife. Normal men don't lie about how much porn they use.

He sounds vile.

How can you even bear to have sex with him?

^ what they said

Do not have a baby with this man.

Do you somehow think things will get better between you with kids thrown into the mix??

Google 'death grip' then practice your 'death stare' and tell him to get the heck out.
Regain some self respect and do not have a baby with this vile POS.
What kind of role model is that for your children to be. Yuk

Is this what you want the rest of your life to be like?

He prefers porn to you. He prefers it over having a child (thank god you’re not pregnant). He can’t even be bothered to satisfy you in bed.

Stop wasting your time.

He does not sound like someone you want to have children with.

I've always told myself a relationship is not worth ending over sex issues alone if everything else is fine

It’s not a sex issue , it’s an intimacy issue, and a resulting self esteem issue.

I’m sure he is a lovely guy in other ways, but an addiction meant that the primary relationship is with object of addiction. His primary drive will be to feed the addiction.
Which means that while he can love you, you’ll never be top of his list, and neither will any child you bring into the relationship.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step on conquering an addiction, and he’s not ready for that, he’s still in denial.

You have been very patient op, but is this relationship meeting your needs, and is it a good set up to bring a child into?

Then there’s the huge topic of porn and exploitation.

Sorry to be blunt op. Hope you find a way through all this.

Sadly I don’t think anyone will be able to give you any advice aside from leave him.

You can’t change other people. He isn’t going to initiate change himself as he doesn’t see a problem with his behaviour. He is also trying to make you doubt yourself by calling you crazy.

I just can’t think of any other advice aside from do not have a child with this person and leave ASAP.

I agree with everyone else. Do not have a baby with him. Find someone better, not all men watch porn.

Do not have a child with this man!

Seriously, raise your standards & leave this relationship; he's not good enough for you.

Pleasw don't leave him, i'm so scared i'll end up with him or someone like him. Keep him off the market.