Porn addicted partner and trying to conceive

[TashaD22]

Hi Guys,

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet, but I have always stalked the threads and had a giggle at some of the stories people have told. I really need advice and feel very emotional even writing this.
I have been with my partner for 11 years at this stage and I'm 29 years old. My partner is 32 and has a porn addiction. Now I know men watch porn and I dont mind , as long as it is not getting in the way of our own sex life and intimacy. I have noticed over the last year or two that it has just gotten worse. He has a fake IG account he uses to follow roughly 900 women and uses a fake email address. I know he is not messaging the women and also I am 100% he is not cheating on me. Im really at a loss as what to do at this stage :( I have talked to him about his porn use and that I dont feel comfortable with all the women he is following online, he has promised numerous times he will delete the account and even went as far to say he had emailed customer support to find out why his account is still showing up online. On any given day I might find over 100 downloaded images of different women bending over with their bits on display :( I know he is actively watching porn everyday and we have sex once a week on average and I strongly feel its only because I'm the one initiating. I feel like Im having sex with a Robot. No foreplay, no intimate touches. He takes forever to finish ( sorry, Too Much Info I know. I've always told myself a relationship is not worth ending over sex issues alone if everything else is fine. He is a great guy aside from all this. But my self esteem has taken a huge hit. He doesn't seem as invested into conceiving a child as I am and I'm starting to have doubts. I always miss my ovulation time because he doesnt want to get intimate or is too tired, but then goes to bed and watches porn. He has denied having a porn addiction and thinks I'm over reacting and Crazy!
Has anybody else had experience with this or could give me some advice please? I would be very grateful

Tasha. No!!!
Please dont try for a baby with this sad excuse of a man. You deserve cake and ice cream and chocolate. Your partner is 151 day old brusselsprouts

I'm sorry but it will not get better. It will get worse. You think he is a great guy because he is really all you have known. You are missing out on life big time. You are young and have no children...find somone to cherish you. You have conditioned yourself to accept being second best to pictures of naked women.

Hi All, Thanks for the advice. I have been trying to work on an exit plan to get myself out of this situation but its very difficult as we share a one bedroom flat. This morning after been on his laptop I saw he spent all of last night and evening watching porn so this morning I decided to call him and asked him "Do you have a porn addiction" to which he replied no. He then said he didn't think we were compatible and that we should be apart and that he was done with us. This is always the case when I confront him about these things so Im used to it. I have no where to go in terms of family but cant keep living like this. Im definitely making him stay on the couch though

@Duster12 This made me LOL :) No seriously , thanks to everyone. I guess I already know the answer myself and try to hold onto hope. Financially Im stuck as I cant afford a place by myself and neither can he. I cant threaten to go anywhere or leave because I have no place to go to. Im trying to work on building my finances up so I cant at least afford to rent by myself

Nobody in my life knows about this , I haven't been able to open up to anybody as I feel ashamed and always think its my fault or Im not enough to satisfy him. Iv slowly started realizing that its not me and its his problem but It still doesn't change the damage that has been done to my self esteem. Lately Iv started to get turned off him just knowing at what he looks like and feel EMBARRASED FOR HIM that he prefers looking at porn to being with a real physical woman. As another poster said above, the impotency has already started to happen. He can barely keep it up sometimes. I feel ashamed to allow myself stay in a situation like this for so long

You’re only 29. Please do not waste one minute longer on this waste of space. Trust me!!

It must be so hard for you to leave when he’s all you’ve known in your adult life. In my experience though porn sick men are just not worth the effort. They’re terrible in bed, selfish and misogynistic and will grind away your self confidence.

It’s great to hear that you want to separate and realise you’re worth more than this. Could you look into a house/flat share for the short term?

@RLEOM Thanks for the comment, your situation sounds very similar to mine. Even down to watching movies or tv shows and having to google the actress just to find naked pictures. I hope you have found some comfort now and some of the many emotional scars you probably have , have started to heal. Its not nice to hear another woman going through a similar situation but at least lets you know that your not alone.

He then said he didn't think we were compatible and that we should be apart and that he was done with us. This is always the case when I confront him about these things so Im used to it.

Holy shit, do not have a child with this man. Do not stay with this man.

I don't know what your living arrangements are, but please try to find a way to move out, even if you have to live in a shared place or a different area. (Despite him supposedly being "done with us," I don't believe he will ever move out himself, because he thinks he has found someone to put up with all his shit and he knows he's unlikely to find anyone else who would put up with him.)

@AngelsSins , it is really hard because he was the first person I have actually felt comfortable with up until all this stuff started happening. I dont want to compete with women in porn and I don't feel I should have to either. In my opinion I look better than a lot of the women he looks at but I have stopped comparing myself because I now realise that its not about me at all.
Keeping an eye out for house sharing but its just so expensive. Maybe I should be the one telling himhe has to move out

@TashaD22 it's a very sad situation for any partner involved with a porn addict. We know that they have amazing qualities, we know they'd make excellent lovers if they didn't have the addiction, we know how to support them, we know we love them enough to support them, but ultimately it's down to them. An addict in denial is not a positive sign that the relationship will last or that they will get help. They'd rather hurt you and lose it all than confronting the issue.

7 months on, I'm still not over it. It's scarred me and I'm petrified about how it's going to impact on my next relationship. I'm also deeply saddened that my daughter doesn't have her dad around. All three of us are missing out on what should have been our amazing family unit.

You are so young. Its not addiction its a choice.
He chooses that rather than respect and desire you. He could make love to you instead switching on laptop.
You need to have a plan unless he chooses to stop it will not end well.
Imagine pregnancy and new baby tiredness for him to use as an excuse? The resentment you will feel when you need support and he wanking away? The self esteem drop as you compare yourself post birth with these images?
I had a foul exh with same choices. On rare occassion robotic sex took place with his eyes on wall reliving images I caused huge problems for myself dieting and endless gym hours desperate to compete.
On a happy note I divorced the wanker and am due to remarry next month to an amazing guy who thinks I am the sexiest woman on the planet ( I so am not at 48!)
Run Tasha like your hair on fire. Dont have a child with this tosser. There is someone out there who will be so much better x

Thank god you have decided to split - or rather he has said its over and you should grab that opportunity with both hands - who owns the flat or is it rented? Do you have any friends you could go to? Otherwise I'd say definitely tell him to leave then; if he has family he could go to it would make much more sense. After all, he was the one who initiated the split in every way!

It absolutely is an addiction, the effect on the brain is not dissimilar to cocaine or many other drugs / addictive behaviours. Do not ttc with him. Find a room in a house share and get out.

My relationship with a man with a similar addiction let to me being increasingly and violently sexually abused, assaulted, raped and injured.

If he wanted to quit that may be different. NoFap on Reddit is a good resource. He clearly does not want to quit.

@DishingOutDone Its a rented flat, we both split the rent and utilities. I actually only work part time myself but I still pay half for everything. Only work part time due to an Injury I had but has caused permanent issues for me. I also dont really have any friends in the area, I work here and live a couple of hours from my family by car. @Deathgrip Its definitely an addiction, imo anyway. I once found a bucketlist of stuff and on the list was "stop wanking", which indicated to me that he knows he has a problem. Half the time he denies even Masturbating to porn and says he just looks at it so he can be aroused later on to have sex?!?! I have found his used socks at the very top of the wash basket or his boxers absolutely soaked with Semen!!! Does this even make sense? I know I sound like a crazy person, im ashamed for having put up with it. Thinking one day he might change but clearly he wont because his priorities are not straight. As hard as it might be to believe , he actually has some amazing qualities about him. If it wasnt for this whole obsession he would be great

That’s how abusive people get away with it - if they had no redeeming qualities it would be easier to leave.

Doesn’t sound crazy to me at all - it took until I had my ear drum burst and collar bone broken for me to wake up and realise what was going on. If a partner had done that to me outside of the bedroom I would never have stayed but he groomed me slowly and gradually until I didn’t know what was normal any more.

He is quite disgusting. Not only is his 'habit' harming you, it is obviously not doing him any good either.

You say he was the first chap you felt comfortable with but you were still very young when you got together and it's not unusual to be a bit 'gauche' with men at that stage.

Please do ask him to leave - more than that, insist. Then apply for benefits to make up your income. You'll get them.

Don't delay, girl, you have a lot of life ahead and it can be good. You may find your health improves too.

He's vile.
Imagine conceiving and going on to have a daughter with a man who thinks so little of women.
It's a no from me.

Can you get a job closer to home and move back for a while? Could you apply for universal credit?

Ick!!!
Why oh why would you saddle and poor DC with this specimen as a male role model?
Please don't do that.
It's not fair on the child.
Get away.
Move closer to home and get some support.
You are easily young enough to start again.
Stop settling.
You and any DC you have deserve the very best.
This vile, misogynist is not the best. He's the worst.
Raise your bar.
Imagine if you had a DD and she had a partner like this.
What would you advise?
You'd tell to run like the wind.

So if he is saying fine we’re done. Tell him you agree and yes you are absolutely done. And mean it.

@TashaD22 - my heart goes out to you - it must be heartbreaking to think that your relationship has no future, especially after you have invested so many years in it - but I agree 100% with all the posters who have said that this man is NOT a decent man, and would be a terrible father and role model to any children.

I appreciate that it is not easy to extricate yourself from the relationship, but please stop trying for a baby, in the meantime. A baby would make it so much harder to break free, and even if you did get out of the relationship, a baby would mean you were still tied to him and you’d have to send your precious child off for contact visits with this man who is not going to moderate his porn usage just because his child is around.

Sorry to disappoint but not all men watch porn.

Why would you want a child with this man?

Stop doing his laundry! Find your pride and stop your addiction of HIM!

Stop paying for half too and don't cook for him either or clean up after him... yuk!

Tell your landlord and be open about what has happened and he might be able to release you early.

Goo back to your parents and be honest. Don't keep his secret.

In a few months time you are going to be wondering what on earth you ever saw in him!

The great thing is, there are some lovely men out there and soon you will be free, independent and when the time is right you will know what to look out for , what to avoid and you will be free to have a happy relationship with a lovely man who cherishes you.

Best wishes for the future op!