Porn addicted partner and trying to conceive

[TashaD22]

Hi Guys,

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet, but I have always stalked the threads and had a giggle at some of the stories people have told. I really need advice and feel very emotional even writing this.
I have been with my partner for 11 years at this stage and I'm 29 years old. My partner is 32 and has a porn addiction. Now I know men watch porn and I dont mind , as long as it is not getting in the way of our own sex life and intimacy. I have noticed over the last year or two that it has just gotten worse. He has a fake IG account he uses to follow roughly 900 women and uses a fake email address. I know he is not messaging the women and also I am 100% he is not cheating on me. Im really at a loss as what to do at this stage :( I have talked to him about his porn use and that I dont feel comfortable with all the women he is following online, he has promised numerous times he will delete the account and even went as far to say he had emailed customer support to find out why his account is still showing up online. On any given day I might find over 100 downloaded images of different women bending over with their bits on display :( I know he is actively watching porn everyday and we have sex once a week on average and I strongly feel its only because I'm the one initiating. I feel like Im having sex with a Robot. No foreplay, no intimate touches. He takes forever to finish ( sorry, Too Much Info I know. I've always told myself a relationship is not worth ending over sex issues alone if everything else is fine. He is a great guy aside from all this. But my self esteem has taken a huge hit. He doesn't seem as invested into conceiving a child as I am and I'm starting to have doubts. I always miss my ovulation time because he doesnt want to get intimate or is too tired, but then goes to bed and watches porn. He has denied having a porn addiction and thinks I'm over reacting and Crazy!
Has anybody else had experience with this or could give me some advice please? I would be very grateful

Oh god you sound like such a nice girl if a little deluded. Get out of there as fast as you can. You deserve better than that he sounds gross and seedy

Your right I am deluded, I was deluded to think that if he saw how much it was crushing me that he would have empathy and wouldn't put me through it any longer. I was deluded to think that because we have been together for so long that he wouldn't risk losing me. Its like over the past couple of months Iv had an awakening and realize im putting myself through rubbish all for nothing. Not that I was Dumb before or anything lol. But I was genuinely trying to be supportive and offered to go to counselling and to the doctor too, this was before I realized the extent of what he was watching . I thought it was me and was losing interest . Instead he was just emptying his own tank and had no steam left for me .

Sarahjconnor No respect at all. This has something iv been finding a couple of times a week , particularly over the last few months. Iv been so temped to leave a Dil^o out and around just to see if I get any reaction from him, but I"m too considerate of his "Feelings"" before my own. Iv always been faithful to him and he knows this aswel.

I understand that it may be an addiction but all addictions stem from choice and free will. He has to understand that he has a problem and needs to choose to stop or lose you. Sadly this behaviour if he chooses to continue will escalate. The film 'Shame' with Michael Fassbender is a good example of this. Porn use with my exh led to dating apps hook ups and escorts too.
The resource 'recovery nation' is good for partners with porn abuse.
Get some real life support and grieve the relationship of how you wanted your future to be.
So sad for you. I really hope you make the choice to at least seperate for a while to get your confidence back x

FFS, give your head a wobble! WHY the fuck would you even dream of having a child with some porn addicted sexually predatory creep? an anonymous sperm donor would be less hassle.

Dildo isn't a swear word. You don't have to censor it.

(Oh and you dont have to censor swear words either )

I'm amazed you put up with him for as long as you have. I'd have been gone at the first sign of this nonsense. If he isn't going to respect you, you need to respect yourself.

And decide what it is you want because you've said both that you are TTC with him and also that you are trying to work out a plan to leave him.

Take back control of your own life.

Do not have a baby with this man and leave asap. Instagram creeping is completely different to porn

Leave. Immediately. Do not have a baby with this man.

Please don’t procreate with him, find someone else. His problem won’t magically go away when you have a child, if anything it will worsen because your sex drive will understandably dip for a while.

Is this really the man you want to spend forever with? He sounds awful.

Leave this man. Do it for your own sanity and self esteem. If you have a child with this man it will only get worse.

The good thing is you know what has caused the destruction in your relationship and it has nothing to do with you.

You’re always welcome to message me @Sarahjconnor - if I can give advice to anyone so they can avoid the shit I went through then I want to do so!

OP, you are not alone. This is an epidemic, but one that’s well hidden and rarely spoken of. You’ll see yourself the number of women who’ll trot out the old “all men watch porn”, “at least he’s not cheating on you” lines. A porn addiction is incredibly harmful, not just to him, but to you. You don’t deserve to have to deal with the fall out.

You know how drug addicts need higher and higher doses of drugs to get high? The same is true of porn addicts, but their drug is sexual novelty. He takes ages to finish because he’s become to used to the grip of his own hand (my ex couldn’t ejaculate from sex and had never been able to do this in his entire life). Over time he’ll become less aroused by real life sex because of the lack of novelty. He’ll seek out increasingly niche, probably violent porn and that will creep out into your sex life - that’s probably already happening, possibly without you realising it. Are you often doing things you don’t really want to do for his benefit?

You do NOT need to have a baby with this man. No no no no no no NO

He's disgusting and in denial. You deserve so much better.

ugh, hes gross and pathetic. Pornsick

These sorts of purely self obsessed men become nightmares when you become pregnant/have children with them. They are a horror show to separate from/divorce.

Trust me and all the other experienced women here - RUUUUUN. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

@Deathgrip He's into niche porn as we speak, its always women bending over with their "lady parts" and bum hole on display. Hes into female bodybuilders, Im not going to judge the type of porn he watches but the women are extremely masculine looking IMO. He only wants to do positions from a certain angle when we do have sex , usually involving not looking at my face. He will go soft inside me to the point I cant tell if hes inside or not.

Of course you can leave OP where there’s a will there is a way. Maybe for now you can rent a room which will be cheaper? I couldn’t even be around a man like this anymore (my ex from years ago was addicted to porn it damaged my self esteem so much and took me years to rebuild myself after that relationship) please don’t settle for this vile man.

Guys thank so much for all the kind words and advice. I know some peoples comments were a bit harsh but I don't think anybody will truly understand what this feels like unless they're in that position. Certain parts of me wants to influence him so see a therapist, not to benefit myself but because he emotionally disconnected. I wouldn't want any other female being put through this by him. He has been there for me in a lot of difficult times but the thing I needed most from him is Intimacy and hes just not providing that to me and hasn't done in a long time.

He needs to get professional help for his addiction before you think about having a child.

Im not going to judge the type of porn he watches but the women are extremely masculine looking IMO. He only wants to do positions from a certain angle when we do have sex , usually involving not looking at my face

Does he like Liza Minelli and Kylie by any chance?

Dunno if porn addiction is the only issue going on with this guy.

Let's get right to the point.

OP, are you wondering if he's gay?
If so, you may be right.

What's even the point of this? The sex isn't even good. Fuck that. How many more decades have you got? You could spend those decades having decent sex, rather than lying there waiting for him to get done and bugger off. 🤔

There are so many average men out there. At LEAST get yourself an average one FFS.

I know totally where you are coming from Tasha, my H is extremely secretive about his porn viewing which is far too frequent imo but it’s all girl on girl oral, consequently that’s all he ever seems to want, now I know plenty of women would say yippee to that but I personally find it a total turn off when you know that’s what they watch and in my case he doesn’t know that I know as much as I do