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Original poster

Porn addicted partner and trying to conceive

112 replies

TashaD22 · 04/07/2019 12:12

Hi Guys,

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet, but I have always stalked the threads and had a giggle at some of the stories people have told. I really need advice and feel very emotional even writing this.
I have been with my partner for 11 years at this stage and I'm 29 years old. My partner is 32 and has a porn addiction. Now I know men watch porn and I dont mind , as long as it is not getting in the way of our own sex life and intimacy. I have noticed over the last year or two that it has just gotten worse. He has a fake IG account he uses to follow roughly 900 women and uses a fake email address. I know he is not messaging the women and also I am 100% he is not cheating on me. Im really at a loss as what to do at this stage :( I have talked to him about his porn use and that I dont feel comfortable with all the women he is following online, he has promised numerous times he will delete the account and even went as far to say he had emailed customer support to find out why his account is still showing up online. On any given day I might find over 100 downloaded images of different women bending over with their bits on display :( I know he is actively watching porn everyday and we have sex once a week on average and I strongly feel its only because I'm the one initiating. I feel like Im having sex with a Robot. No foreplay, no intimate touches. He takes forever to finish ( sorry, Too Much Info I know. I've always told myself a relationship is not worth ending over sex issues alone if everything else is fine. He is a great guy aside from all this. But my self esteem has taken a huge hit. He doesn't seem as invested into conceiving a child as I am and I'm starting to have doubts. I always miss my ovulation time because he doesnt want to get intimate or is too tired, but then goes to bed and watches porn. He has denied having a porn addiction and thinks I'm over reacting and Crazy!
Has anybody else had experience with this or could give me some advice please? I would be very grateful

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 04/07/2019 21:44

rather than lying there waiting for him to get done and bugger off.

He can't even get it up, in order to get it done and bugger off.

At what age - still in his 20s?
I mean, FFS. .

Original poster
TashaD22 · 04/07/2019 21:49

Lol @Moralitym1n1 I had no idea who they were so I had to google them. To be honest I stopped obsessing over "which one" it was because they always changed every week or so he would become obsessed with another porn star/bodybuilder etc. But they would fit the description quite well, that's not to say he doesnt search for regular post stars aswel. Always involving the keywords huge ass or giant ass , same for bodybuilders he looks for.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 04/07/2019 21:50

I went out with a 50/60s man who couldn't maintain an erection for sex (at least he had the excuse of age) and for the short time it lasted, it was cringe-worthy and confidence-killing. Ended up shagging a fully functional ex and was mentally fist-pumping the air the entire time with pure joy ...

He's done/doing this to himself, is a young man, and you've been putting up with it for how long (and with the prospect of decades in front of you..). Fuck No.

WanderingTrolley1 · 04/07/2019 21:53

Please, for your own sake, do not have a child with this man!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/07/2019 21:53

Forget the whole wanting him to go to therapy to benefit him/his wellbeing/his next girlfriend etc. You will get nothing out of that. He won't go anyway!

You. Focus on you.

Your relationship with this man is no more, he has shown you this by his reaction to your asking him if he has a porn addiction.

Find a way out, there is always a way out.

You deserve so much better than this.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/07/2019 21:53

Conceiving can be tricky enough without having a partner who can't even keep it up. That's a pretty basic prerequisite.

And that's not even getting on to the implication for your life with him now and in future. It would e lovely to think he could get counselling and end the addiction but I wouldn't be putting money on it.

Then there's the question if he is in fact making you a beard on top of everything else.

Original poster
TashaD22 · 04/07/2019 21:55

@PicsInRed Being gay has crossed my mind a few times but I have never ever seen him search for gay porn. But it has crossed my mind mainly because of the bodybuilders. Im not just talking about girls who are fit here , Im talking Muscly women with thighs that could strangle a crocodile. Not what you would describe as "feminine" but who am I to judge.

I think if we end things Im going to stay single for quite a while just to emotionally heal from all this. I d''ont think I will ever fully trust a man again or give him my all. But when I do find one I will make sure hes at least average lol ;)

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 04/07/2019 21:55

I had no idea who they were so I had to google them.

Not even Kylie? Shock

Liza is old school but they both have a massive gay following obviously.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/07/2019 22:02

If he left could you cover the rent etc?

Original poster
TashaD22 · 04/07/2019 22:10

@Moralitym1n1 I havent a clue who she is at all Grin . @MrJollyLivesNextDoor I have no chance of covering the rent by myself. On top of that we both signed the lease together, he could very well turn it around on me and tell me I should be the one leaving. Thankfully i have arranged somewhere to stay for a few days at least so i can clear my head. He is currently in the living room with his head in his hands feeling all sorry for himself. Hmm

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/07/2019 22:17

Oh poor him

It's good that you are able to get some space from him. He isn't going to change btw - but I think you know this.

What will you do? Can you look at house/flat share locally?

PicsInRed · 04/07/2019 22:20

Wah wah sad 😢

Ignore and stay strong. You deserve better than burning your life on his altar.

Aroundtheworldandback · 04/07/2019 22:22

You have time on your side, you are lucky. Loads of time to meet someone who will change your life to what you cannot even dream of now.

There was a thread here recently about a guy watching porn with his baby and toddler in the same room needing to be fed and got ready, but he had no interest in them, only his porn. That will be your kids.

Change it while you can.

SinkGirl · 04/07/2019 22:24

Send him the link to the nofap group on reddit - I absolutely wouldn’t stay with him but maybe destroying the relationship will be the wake up call he needs to sort his shit out. He’ll die a very lonely man if he doesn’t.

LaMarschallin · 04/07/2019 22:34

Why are you trying to conceive?

You don't really mention it at all after your post's title and I'm sure you realise what a vile situation you'd be bringing a baby into.

The idea is obviously ridiculous.

Original poster
TashaD22 · 04/07/2019 22:40

Im not sure what I will do about the living situation right now, I feel like he is the one who broke my trust so he should be the one leaving the house. He will be in the exact same situation as me financially and wont be able to afford a small flat by himself. I know there are some housing benefits I can apply for and I just need to register myself on the housing list. Just not sure if he will agree to move out or if I will be the one to have to move. All up in the air at the moment.

@SinkGirl I really want to send him a link for nofap :) He gets so embarrassed when I bring up anything about his porn use or leaving his used socks an the floor so will be mortified if I send him that link. See my problem is Iv always approached the subject in a light manner so I don't embarrass him (See how Im actually considerate to his feelings but he doesn't reciprocate). I really want to give him that wake up call because he will only bring the same feelings of shame to another woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
TashaD22 · 04/07/2019 22:48

@LaMarschallin Im trying to conceive because I would love to be a mother, also feel because Im nearly 30 that my fertility will go downhill shortly. I know to some people its illogical but you see women who use sperm donors and raise kids on their own without actually needing a man to assist. It would be great if every child had two parents but thats not always the case. I myself was raised by a single mum.

At the start of my post I said I was starting to have doubts due to the extent of the addiction and it made me realize I didnt want to have a child while he is like this. He didn't always have this bad of an addiction to Porn and I was hoping he would realize what an impact it was having on our relationship. Obviously I had no Luck with that, its like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 04/07/2019 22:56

If you're in your late 20s, you're not even close to infertitle. Not even close.

You've got potentially 15-20 years of contraception and pesky periods ahead of you. Don't panic and ruin your life with this twat Mr Mainwaring.

LaMarschallin · 04/07/2019 23:04

Im trying to conceive because I would love to be a mother, also feel because Im nearly 30 that my fertility will go downhill shortly. I know to some people its illogical but you see women who use sperm donors and raise kids on their own without actually needing a man to assist. It would be great if every child had two parents but thats not always the case. I myself was raised by a single mum.

I'm sorry, this will sound harsh, but it doesn't sound "illogical" to me, it sounds selfish.
I'm sure you'd love to be a mother and would probably be a great one but to deliberately try to bring a baby into this situation doesn't sound like you'd be acting in its best interests.
I didn't say anything about single parents. I assumed from your initial post that you wanted a child with this man.

At the start of my post I said I was starting to have doubts due to the extent of the addiction and it made me realize I didnt want to have a child while he is like this

That does sound for the best in my opinion.

LittleDoll · 04/07/2019 23:08

I'm horrified. please leave. You are worth so much more. This is not just sex issues. Can you honestly imagine feeling this way for the rest of your life?

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 04/07/2019 23:33

Nofap on Reddit is a bit ott and there's a load of nonsense on it. If you do want to help him then pornfree is a better place on Reddit for both addicts and their oh's to go. I'm 3 years "free" and never even think about wanking to porn these days, there's much better things to do in life than obsess over porn.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 08:31

I havent a clue who she is at all

Wow, makes me feel so old Grin.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 08:34

He is currently in the living room with his head in his hands feeling all sorry for himself

Makes a change from him being in the bedroom with his hands down his boxers eh.

As others have said - how sad.

But he's not the one who has a partner who's downloading and wanking to hundreds of pictures of men's genitals every day, and who can't have normal sex with him.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 08:38

Im nearly 30 that my fertility will go downhill shortly.

That would be 35+.

I've said this many times on here but I'll quote it again - NHS fertility website states that 90% of women under 40 having regular unprotected sex will be pregnant within the two year mark.

Unless you have fertility problems it's a matter of taking a big longer to fall pregnant the older you are: until around 40 when the slope becomes more extreme.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/07/2019 08:39

This 30 (or even 35) thing drives me bananas.