Porn addicted partner and trying to conceive

[TashaD22]

Hi Guys,

This is my first time posting on Mumsnet, but I have always stalked the threads and had a giggle at some of the stories people have told. I really need advice and feel very emotional even writing this.
I have been with my partner for 11 years at this stage and I'm 29 years old. My partner is 32 and has a porn addiction. Now I know men watch porn and I dont mind , as long as it is not getting in the way of our own sex life and intimacy. I have noticed over the last year or two that it has just gotten worse. He has a fake IG account he uses to follow roughly 900 women and uses a fake email address. I know he is not messaging the women and also I am 100% he is not cheating on me. Im really at a loss as what to do at this stage :( I have talked to him about his porn use and that I dont feel comfortable with all the women he is following online, he has promised numerous times he will delete the account and even went as far to say he had emailed customer support to find out why his account is still showing up online. On any given day I might find over 100 downloaded images of different women bending over with their bits on display :( I know he is actively watching porn everyday and we have sex once a week on average and I strongly feel its only because I'm the one initiating. I feel like Im having sex with a Robot. No foreplay, no intimate touches. He takes forever to finish ( sorry, Too Much Info I know. I've always told myself a relationship is not worth ending over sex issues alone if everything else is fine. He is a great guy aside from all this. But my self esteem has taken a huge hit. He doesn't seem as invested into conceiving a child as I am and I'm starting to have doubts. I always miss my ovulation time because he doesnt want to get intimate or is too tired, but then goes to bed and watches porn. He has denied having a porn addiction and thinks I'm over reacting and Crazy!
Has anybody else had experience with this or could give me some advice please? I would be very grateful

On saying that, the only time pressure I see is that it can take a while to meet a good partner, to get to know them well enough to consider bringing a child into the world with them (2 years min.) Etc. so I suppose that's worth keeping in mind in your decision making ie if you leave (which many on this thread feel would be best) the sooner, the better.

You work part time and you’re renting the flat?

I say go home to your family.

Seriously. You have AT LEAST six years before you need to start worrying about fertility.

You CANNOT bring a child into this shit show now, and it doesn’t sound like you can afford one anyway.

He. Won’t. Stop. He is so disrespectful it’s unbelievable!

Go home and learn your worth.

Where is your self respect Tasha ? Stop TTC, lets be honest you can't afford a baby at the moment. Find out how long you are tied into the lease for and see if there is any chance of ending it early. If your health allows start working full time and save the extra income in an escape fund. Stop doing his laundry, meals etc etc.
Find your self respect and anger, get yourself out of this intolerable situation.

For goodness sake stop worrying about your fertility at the age of 29 (which is nothing) and do not make this man the father of your child. He will be linked to you forever, even as a single parent. That’s crazy. Stop and think.

Of course he’s feeling sorry for himself, it’s a good way to make sure you don’t leave.

Men's fertility declines too.
Part of the age-related drop off in female fertility will be male mediated.

Which is to say, a 40 year old woman with a 50 year old partner will struggle to conceive a viable pregnancy, moreso than a 40 year old woman with a 30 year old partner.

@Moralitym1n1- Thats was the time pressure I was referring to, its more about the time it will take to meet a partner who I would want to have kids with and the time it will take me to heal from this relationship. Either way I have decided to end it and let him know this last night. He was pretty shocked and seemed dumb founded as to why. I told him things were not working out and that if he couldnt admit to himself that he has an addiction to porn, then all hope is lost for us. He simply replied "I don't think I do", while at the same time not sounding so sure of himself. The confusion on his face made me feel a bit bad for him, either he is gas lighting me or is genuinely unaware of how bad of an issue it is.
For anyone who has advised I move back with my family, I sadly dont have the luxury or option of doing this. There would be no space for me in my parents house and I have a very small family. Im sure I could sleep on the couch at my parents for a week at most due to the lack of space in the house.

Denial is pretty common, not helped by the widespread normalisation of porn use as I mentioned earlier.

My ex would make excuses to stay home alone, cancel social events, come home from things early, deliberately got a job working from home, ran up over a grand in roaming charges while on holiday... all to watch porn. He still wouldn’t admit he had a problem, he’d have the occasional moment of lucidity but would quickly be back to the whole “everyone does it, you’re such a prude” mentality.

Thats was the time pressure I was referring to, its more about the time it will take to meet a partner who I would want to have kids with and the time it will take me to heal from this relationship.

It will take a few years but you have a few years. You're only coming up on 30.

As to his reaction, what a joke.

It's so strange to me that simultaneously you're TTC and making an exit plan but can't for finances.

Don't TTC with a man when you're in a situation where, if it turns out he's bad to pregnant you and your future child, you're so tied to him you can't leave. Period. Take this advice forward with you into your new life without the creep.

Stop calling this person a man, he's no man, he's a dirty little boy wanking over the lingerie section of Littlewoods.

How you can bear to be even touched by someone that looks and wanks over 900 different women is beyond me.

@WombOfOnesOwn Obviously the fact that I have now been making an exit plan and have decided to end the relationship means I am no longer TTC with him . Just thought I would point that out again