Husband broke my glasses on purpose

[Sickofit1]

My husband has just intentionally broken my glasses, we had a huge row which escalated from nothing. I have pregnancy hormones and he just fuels it, then says he’s leaving us, then I started having a panic attack not because he said he is leaving because I couldn’t care less just because I can’t believe he would start this crap over nothing in the morning just before i’m about to drop the kids off. He never stops if he puts me in that state which just upsets me even more as I just feel I didn’t do anything to deserve this and can’t understand why i’m always in this position. Anyways then he intentionally broke my glasses and sunglasses so I can’t even drive, I couldn’t drop the kids he had to as a result.

I want him out but he doesn’t leave. I refuse to leave and disrupt the kids out of their home. I’m not willing to make a domestic scene as I don’t want that on my kids record. Is there any right I have just to remove him without making it sound really bad?

It seems like you want him to just go away with no fuss but that isn't going to happen.

In your shoes, I would call 101 and report the aggression and coercive control. If there is an official record of the abuse, it will help you later when he wants to fight for custody and the house.

Next, go speak to a solicitor so you know your rights. I wouldn't leave the house either but i'd be in a separate bedroom. You should act like you are separated now - this isnt a marriage if you are being abused and you ARE being abused.

Don't waste time trying to keep things hidden or fuss-free. You have a fight ahead of you so arm yourself now and you'll hopefully get a better result.

Call 101 every time he abuses you. This means every time he shouts and intimidates you, pushes you, breaks your things or otherwise makes you afraid or behaves in a way you know he wouldn't at work or down the pub!

Part of the process later will be mediation and having a nice record of the abuse could help you. Call Woman's Aid as well. It's difficult to get through as they are so busy but they can advise you on the next steps so you and your children are protected and you are fully battle ready.

Last bit of info - don't take legal advice from the opposing side. An abusive, controlling person will pull out all the stops to keep that control. Be ready and look up Lundy Bancroft as well as Grey Rock for tips on how to cope.

Good luck!

Go to a solicitor get advice. www.macdonaldoates.co.uk/2017/05/22/how-do-you-get-your-spouse-or-partner-out-of-the-house-if-you-split-up/

Tell your midwife.

Keep records of what he's doing and when. Record tantrums on your phone.

I’m not willing to make a domestic scene as I don’t want that on my kids record.

Such bollocks. Your kids 'record'? What on earth are you thinking?

If you don't want to leave him then at least own it.

This^. But you'll let them live through all this shit just so long as no authorities know about it?

When I say I don’t want it on their record, I don’t want them to look like they aren’t safe forever and have the social involved like some crazy family, I’m not a poor little woman who can’t walk out, I have the money to, I just want the house for my kids, it’s near their school in a sought after area so of course I’m going to try to keep it.

They are happy children who have everything including love from both parents- Yes this has happened but i’d like to think we’re adult enough to just separate and then they are no longer in a situation where parents are arguing. It’s just the initial whole who moves out.

I specifically said in my post I want him to leave but according to one rude idiot on page one - I’m I don’t want him to leave? Read the post first.

If I have to i’ll leave the home I’ve made so perfect for them and move into a rented house I will- I’ve already been looking. Just a shame it would be out of the area as there are no short term let’s near by, I don’t want to rent it’s a waste of money, rather view a house and put down a offer in the area ASAP.

Anyways thank you.

I suppose all I was looking for is info on if there is a law to allow me to automatically stay in it and him leave if I have the kids, but I guess there isn’t without making a big deal.
Like I said I don’t want my kids to look like they are from challenged background because they aren’t. They just have parents that don’t get on and once they separate both parents will be happier and probably get on better.

I'm confused. OP asked how to get him out. Several posters advised her to call the police and see a solicitor which are the steps you need to do that. Yet OP thinks there's a magical option 3 no one has suggested.

You don't want your children to look as if they're from that kind of background?

To whom? Whose opinion is that important?

You do need legal advice, and if it's not so urgent to think about shared parenting, money etc because he is going to be v difficult.

" I don’t want [...] the social involved like some crazy family"
"I’m not a poor little woman who can’t walk out"

You're very judgemental of women who struggle to leave abusive relationships, aren't you? And of families who need some support from social services.

Ironic.

AnotherEmma
Sorry if it has come across like that, I didn’t mean it like that
And when I wrote poor I didn’t mean financially
I mean a woman who needs women’s aid to help me or some weak person, as tbh people just assume the woman is weak and the man is always so manipulative that she needs this huge help. I don’t find it relatable and hence why I said the usual Mumsnet talk first.

treacletoots you’re right
Everyone who gave the advice about the police etc is right that’s the only way I guess to force him out.
I suppose I’d rather just leave myself then with the kids until we buy a new home.

@AnotherEmma

I don’t think anyone with kids just suddenly walks out after one arguement, you have to reflect, see if it will change, see if there are other ways like therapy or is it just stress, it doesn’t mean you’re struggling to leave a abusive relationship. This hasn’t gone on for that long, but a few months in the span of a relationship of years. So I think now is a fair time for me to decide I’m sick of it isn’t not changing and to decide how to do this..

What would be a deal breaker for you?
Clearly breaking your glasses wasn't enough. So what would he have to break for you to accept that he is abusive?
Your nail?
Your arm?
Your neck?

Sorry when did I say he wasn’t abusive? I don’t think I did
I said I’m not struggling to leave an abusive relationship... that’s not the same thing

What is your problem anyway
Do you get kicks out of kicking someone further when their emotions are already heightened
I have enough real shit going on to read to your negative comments behind a screen

OP, you're pregnant and he's escalating.

You need to get our head around the fact that you are, indeed, one of those women.

Oh fuck off with your sense of superiority to those of us who talked to Women's Aid or other sources of support to help us make the very difficult decision to leave a deeply unhealthy relationship. Which is what yours is, whether you can admit that or not.

You've been advised what you can do legally. You can't control or dictate what your husband does. You can only take responsibility for your own actions and for protecting your kids.

The whole reason I wrote the post was because I wanted him out but not I’ve realised the best thing for me to do is just leave myself with my kids
How on earth does that mean I don’t want to separate

Ffs I think rather than going back and forth on here I may as well sort my actual shit out

To answer your actual question - no, you can't make an abusive, violent man leave when he doesn't want to without "making a fuss".
You can make him leave if you report the abuse and get an occupation order. But that will involve talking to the police, getting legal advice and a court order.

I suppose it depends what's more important to you, saving face and not being "one of those women", or protecting your children's right to stay in their home.

@AnotherEmma

Thanks

You are in an abusive relationship.
And recently, he broke your glasses, so you were unable to see well enough to drive.
He is still in the home, but you want him out.

You obviously need help to change the living situation, and to keep yourself & your children safe.
Needing help doesn’t mean you are “weak”.

They are happy children who have everything including love from both parents- Yes this has happened but i’d like to think we’re adult enough to just separate and then they are no longer in a situation where parents are arguing. It’s just the initial whole who moves out.

Well they aren't happy children if you are arguing all the time. They WILL hear & see it. Despite what you think.

i’d like to think we’re adult enough to just separate and then they are no longer in a situation

Obviously not if he snaps your glasses in a temper tantrum.

If I have to i’ll leave the home I’ve made so perfect for them and move into a rented house I will- I’ve already been looking.

The environment and atmosphere matter so much more than location and stuff.

Tbh the way I see it
I got with him
His dad was like this, it’s my own fault for not picking a nice quiet guy and instead one who wasn’t close to his family, I chose to ignore the signs
So now do I want to make this a pity me story to everyone I know when it’s some what my own choice or do I want to just not make a fuss, move out get a house and continue and if anyone asks say purely we didn’t get on - I rather that option

I live in a society where everyone talks
I don’t need people talking about my kids
Poor kids poor her- I don’t want it or need it.

The only thing I would say OP is that it's highly likely that a man controlling enough to break your glasses so you can't drive will continue to try to control you after separation and may well use DC to do so. Reporting incidents to the police now means you will have far more power to stop him using DC later down the line.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to report but it's worth considering whether that might be short sighted. Protecting your DC will obviously be paramount if he becomes more abusive and it will be much easier to make a legal case should you need to if the evidence is already on record with the appropriate authorities.