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Original poster

He doesnt want to provide for us

117 replies

urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 22:23

Ive been with my partner for almost 6 years now, I have 2 children with an ex and we have a toddler betwern us. He is in the army, doesnt live with us as he works a few hours away so he comes over 1 or 2 nights at the weekend. Ive never asked him for any money, apart from when I was really struggling when our son was first born, that soon stopped though as he said he couldnt afford it. So once my maternity was over I went back to work and as we wasnt living together or had no financial ties I claimed for tax credits as a single person.
However, a couple months ago I got a letter from hmrc to say they believe I have a partner living with me as he has mail delivered to mine, which he does as he has no permanent address with being in the army. I sent them evidence to prove he doesnt pay anything to us and they have now stopped my claim. So im now around 300 down every month no money for food, petrol ect...just enough for my mortgage and bills. Ive told my partnern how.much im struggling and asked him for help, which he basically just said he cant afford to. Hes on 30000 a year, lives in cheap army accomodation and has minimul bills, but a few dents to pay. He has money available each month, i know, as he buys new xbox games, clothes jights oht ect....and he said he couldnt afford to help. After an argument he bregrudgingly put sone money in my account but I know he wont want to do it again. Ive lost all respect for him if im honest, but I also do not want another broken home, I want my son to have his dad in his life and I dont want him tooing and froing from ho.e to home like my other 2 children have to. Dont know what to do.

OP posts:
IggyAce · 02/07/2019 22:29

You end it with the selfish twat and put a claim in with the cms, if he refuses to pay contact his CO they take a very dim view of not paying child support.
I’m sorry but this isn’t a proper relationship.

Keaneno1fan · 02/07/2019 22:33

He needs to pay child maintenance asap without question. How selfish not wanting to support his own son!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/07/2019 22:39

Don't be such a doormat! You have children relying on you!
You're not in a relationship. You're a warm bed for him to jump in.
You deserve so much better than this.

Tell him to piss off and put a claim in with CMS.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 22:39

I would be far better off single, but my I just dont want to just have my son on alrernate weekends, U want him to wake up on his birthdays and xmas with his mummy and daddy,bo want hime to run out of school towards his mummy and daddy, not just me, like it is with my orher 2. They have both said theynhate that mummt and daddy are not together, i dont want to put my 3rd through that too...

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 02/07/2019 22:39

Omg apply for child support. You need to put your children first and losing your home is not prioritising them.

He is a CF.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 02/07/2019 22:40

Does he actually do any of that stuff while working away?!

You need to reassure your kids that some families only have a mummy. And that it's fine because you have so much love for them all.

CodenameVillanelle · 02/07/2019 22:42

Oh for goodness sake that's not a reason to skint yourself while he lives off his whole salary to himself! So what if you wanted a two parent family? The other parent you've got is a lazy, selfish shit. So let go of your dream and get with reality.

TeaForTheWin · 02/07/2019 22:42

So, you are contributing everything to the care of his son? HA! He is taking you for a ride. I would be ditching his as and getting him to pay child maintenance asap. There's nothing to say you breaking up with him will mean he can't see his son anymore. And tbh... how is a broken home much different from your current situation anyway? Considering you only see him like a day per week.

Also, I would assume he is spinning you some bullshit because no way is he earning 30k per year and yet not able to give you any. Wouldn't be surprised if there is another woman and family he is supporting.

Either way, he is a disgusting human being and you and your kids will be well rid.

cestlavielife · 02/07/2019 22:43

But your d's has a dad who is only there 2 nights anyway.

Splitting won't make any difference.

But you can then go thru cms .

Or stay together and continue as you are for some unrealistic dream ....

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/07/2019 22:45

Time to put your foot down. Dump him, refuse to accept mail for him and put in a child support claim. He’s letting you and your kids struggle for money, FFS! You need to stand up for what is rightfully due to you so your kids don’t suffer.

fotheringhay · 02/07/2019 22:46

So let go of your dream and get with reality I'm sorry OP but this is the way it is. It won't do your self esteem any good to continue like this. And when it comes down to it, that's all we've got

Lllot5 · 02/07/2019 22:50

Definitely get some money from him. The army take very dim view of this make him pay his way. Why should you shoulder all this while he does fuck all.

Princessfaffalot · 02/07/2019 22:53

Oh for gods sake, ditch that dewy eyed, stupid, romantic fantasy of him running out of school to mummy and daddy...his pefectt birthdays blah blah blah and WOMAN UP! You cannot feed your kids because of this arsehole. He’s dead weight, cut him off. Is his life going to be perfect just because his dads around? He’ll grow up hungry and bloody miserable unless you ditch this low life and get a cs claim in.

Honestly, it beggars belief.

toffeeapple123 · 02/07/2019 22:54

Absolutely disgusting - your children need money, more so than a ‘daddy’ to wake up to. This is a form of financial abuse.

MrsApplepants · 02/07/2019 23:02

This is not a relationship. He’s a loser. End this ridiculous situation and claim the financial support your son is entitled to. Time to woman up.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/07/2019 23:07

This is not a relationship. He’s a loser. End this ridiculous situation and claim the financial support your son is entitled to. Time to woman up

this with bloody bells on Flowers

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 23:09

Sorry, can I add also that he does pay childcare fornour son too, this is through the tax free vouchers, though he claims he doesnt see any benefit.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 02/07/2019 23:10

Gosh. I hope you are claiming CMS for your other two from their father. Your fantasy family is just that. It hasn't happened and won't. I don't know much about the freedom programme, but perhaps look into it. You set the bar so low it's stuck to the floor.

78percentLindt · 02/07/2019 23:10

Just looked at the CMS calculator and he would need to pay you £69 per week based on £30,000, so he needs to be giving you at least that, which is almost your £300 per month.
Personally I would be telling him to get his mail redirected to his barracks, finish with him, and put your claim in again.
If you don't finish with him-then he needs to pay towards your household costs- you have a child together and he goes back to you as well. Is he claiming travel costs to your house at weekends?- if so HMRC will probably treat that as financially linked.

Gingerkittykat · 02/07/2019 23:10

Has he used your address for any credit where they would do a check he is living at your address?

What about official documents like car registration, tax. Is he on the electoral role?

I would appeal the benefits decision, then go the the CMS.

Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 23:13

No, he doesnt get travel costs his petrol is 225 a month, and thats just to come here, hebhas no need to use his car at camp.

OP posts:
Original poster
urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 23:13

Yeah, he gets all his mail here really.

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 02/07/2019 23:16

I would be far better off single, but my I just dont want to just have my son on alrernate weekends, U want him to wake up on his birthdays and xmas with his mummy and daddy,bo want hime to run out of school towards his mummy and daddy, not just me, like it is with my orher 2. They have both said theynhate that mummt and daddy are not together, i dont want to put my 3rd through that too...

Fine. Do without petrol and food and explain to the DC that it's because of some watercolour 'dream' you have.

Opossooom · 02/07/2019 23:17

The family is already broken. No dad is better than a shit one. The fact he does not want to provide for his kid already qualifies him as just that.

HUZZAH212 · 02/07/2019 23:20

Is there a reason you aren't living in army family quarters with him? I'm guessing marriage has never been on the cards either? (as you'd be entitled to some of his pension too if it didn't work out). Six years though 😦