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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesnt want to provide for us

117 replies

urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 22:23

Ive been with my partner for almost 6 years now, I have 2 children with an ex and we have a toddler betwern us. He is in the army, doesnt live with us as he works a few hours away so he comes over 1 or 2 nights at the weekend. Ive never asked him for any money, apart from when I was really struggling when our son was first born, that soon stopped though as he said he couldnt afford it. So once my maternity was over I went back to work and as we wasnt living together or had no financial ties I claimed for tax credits as a single person.
However, a couple months ago I got a letter from hmrc to say they believe I have a partner living with me as he has mail delivered to mine, which he does as he has no permanent address with being in the army. I sent them evidence to prove he doesnt pay anything to us and they have now stopped my claim. So im now around 300 down every month no money for food, petrol ect...just enough for my mortgage and bills. Ive told my partnern how.much im struggling and asked him for help, which he basically just said he cant afford to. Hes on 30000 a year, lives in cheap army accomodation and has minimul bills, but a few dents to pay. He has money available each month, i know, as he buys new xbox games, clothes jights oht ect....and he said he couldnt afford to help. After an argument he bregrudgingly put sone money in my account but I know he wont want to do it again. Ive lost all respect for him if im honest, but I also do not want another broken home, I want my son to have his dad in his life and I dont want him tooing and froing from ho.e to home like my other 2 children have to. Dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 03/07/2019 04:47

You don’t have a partner. Paying for treats is not parenting. He has basically stolen from you. You need to get angry and fight for your children’s financial stability.

Birdie6 · 03/07/2019 04:53

he has mail delivered to mine, which he does as he has no permanent address with being in the army

Of course he has a "permanent address" OP. He lives in army accommodation - that is his address . He is just a visitor at your place and you should tell the benefits people that.

AgentJohnson · 03/07/2019 05:14

Well haven’t you been silly. Like others have said you’re a convenient warm bed. He’s ok with being throwing his cash around when it suits him but providing the security that regular maintenance would provide, nah, he’s more likely to get your fawning gratitude from his ad hoc benevolence.

At the moment the set up is for his convenience and now your paying the price. If you continue to make excuses for staying in this situation you will bankrupt yourself and that will have a far greater impact on your kids then this cocklodger watching them open their presents.

The reason you haven’t been more assertive about his selfishness is because you’re scared that he will leave and never come back.

Financially you can’t afford to stay in this relationship.

Verily1 · 03/07/2019 05:33

Is there a criminal investigation into the benefit fraud?

You could get a custodial sentence!

You need to end the relationship, stop the mail to your address get maintenance and get debt advice about the £12k. Are you appealing that decision?

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/07/2019 05:40

What on earth do you see in a man who is happy to take food from your children's mouths? Your poor bloody kids! Put your children first, get rid of this horrible user and hit him with the CMS. And then hope you don't end up in jail for fraud.

dragonway · 03/07/2019 05:47

Oh god OP what are you doing? This man is no good. He’s selfish and you are raising his child and he won’t pay any money!! Why are you so reluctant to claim CMS? Your kids need money! Your kids need food! He’s just cost you £300 a month. This is serious financial abuse. You need to cut all contact and refuse to accept his post. Send it back. Tell him to change his address or any post will be put back in the post box with not known at this address written on it. Then you can reapply for your benefits if you claim cms. This is just no good.

dragonway · 03/07/2019 05:54

If you don’t do something, you are going to end up bankrupt. What will happen to your kids then? The only reason you aren’t doing something is because you’re scared at not having your son every weekend. He’s living in army barracks! He’s not going to bother having him every other weekend if he can’t even be bothered to pay for him is he? You should go get free half hour advice from a solicitor about what to do about that 12k

Riverviews · 03/07/2019 06:15

So... Are you going to allow your children to go hungry so that you can keep on living a phantasy of happy families?

That's not happening and I don't think it will ever happen. Wake up!

Beautiful3 · 03/07/2019 06:21

Stop allowing him to use your address and end it. You need money to look after your children.

Whereissummerthisyear · 03/07/2019 06:29

Can I clarify, is he your partner or not?

willowmelangell · 03/07/2019 06:32

Is he on the birth certificate? Has he got a key to your front door? Does he spend leave with you? If yes, no surprise the hmrc decision. The way he treats you though, he is your FWB.

Today you can put a CMS claim in, appeal the HMRC decision, pack all his gear up for collection. Then get your key back.

His web of lies and deceit might have fooled you before but not anymore. Good luck x

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2019 06:39

Basically what everyone else said
Dump him

C0untDucku1a · 03/07/2019 06:47

Dump him. He is a shit partner and father. Stop judging him on the dream you have.

user1519475227 · 03/07/2019 06:52

Think you have 3 choices.

  1. split - what are you gaining out of this relationship?
  2. marry and live in married quarters- cheaper housing, council tax etc. That will come directly out of his wage
  3. marry and live unaccompanied - depending on distantace he can claim get you home allowance , which could go In the family pot.

Personally I think with anyone in a serious relationship or having a child together with anyone in the armed forces you need to be married to protect yourself so to speak.

NotStayingIn · 03/07/2019 06:59

I sometimes read things on here that just leave me speechless. Why do some women accept lives like this? And worse, accept it for their children. How on earth can you think this is good enough for you all?

stucknoue · 03/07/2019 07:07

Whatever private arrangements you have for money were claiming fraudulently because you were not single - the taxpayer was paying for his dc basically. People work away all the time especially those in the forces and you cannot claim to be single. He is selfish plain and simple and Hmrc should be chasing him for all the back tax credits . You can declare as a family and see if you get any help however, there's special arrangements for those who have to pay weekday accommodation

Sonicknuckles · 03/07/2019 07:11

He's not even paying anything for his own son? Not a penny? Leave him.

PompeyBez · 03/07/2019 07:17

Agree with what other posters are saying. You've got yourself a monumental cocklodger OP.
He is a part time Disney dad who is probably building himself a nice little nest egg. For himself. You're not going to see any of it, nor his pension. Your children don't need fancy gifts and weekend treats. They need a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.
Either way, he needs to pay.
You either stay in the relationship and he properly pays his way, or you split, stop all the mail, claim as a single person through UC and get on the phone to the CMS.
Also speak to someone about this debt. CAB would be a good place to start. If he was a decent guy he would also help with this too.
Stop being a doormat and tell him straight!!

ticking · 03/07/2019 07:22

your basic problem is that you are neither together nor apart.

He has his cake and eats it, he doesn't live with or support you, therefore you claim as a singleton.

You need to get CMS from him and get his mail redirected back to the army base or you will lose your benefits.

Thequaffle · 03/07/2019 07:26

How exactly is this man acting as a “partner” to you? He’s not your “partner” if he refuses to shoulder responsibility.

LellyMcKelly · 03/07/2019 07:30

Apply for child support and stop his mail from coming to your house, for heaven’s sake. You’re not his personal post office. It should be going to his barracks.

Miniloso · 03/07/2019 07:43

Get his mail redirected back to where he lives.

He’s not a man, not a father, not a partner. He’s a selfish arsehole.

theWarOnPeace · 03/07/2019 07:45

This is awful OP. Really shocking. So, you have yourself a fairweather cocklodger. Go through CMS and end the relationship for the sake of your own self esteem, and to give your children a better example of relationships. I would be seeking advice on contesting the 12k too, although why do tax credits really have to pay you anything just because you’re in a relationship with someone who spends their money on Xbox games? The whole thing is ridiculous! Either end the relationship or actually have a relationship with expectation. Christmas and birthday gifts count for nothing, and you are very much mistaken if you think they do! If I buy my children Christmas presents, shall I just not bother with food and electric for them the rest of the year?

Feelingwalkedover · 03/07/2019 07:47

End it immediately with the man child
Get his post stopped at your address
Get a claim in to child maintenance.they will take it out of his wages
And redo your claim for benefits ..which you are 100% entitled to
As feeling like you want a normal family set up for your youngest...
What’s normal anyway ? Your kids will thrive with you and each other

CherryPavlova · 03/07/2019 07:50

I don’t understand why women don’t think ahead and end up as one of these sort of ad hoc baby creation stories either.
Magical waking up to mummy and daddy smiling at each other and running through the meadows together only happens if you plan it and commit to working together. It needs to happen before you have children together.

Contact SSAFA as first point of call. They provide decent support to military families and can advise re finances and other benefits. As others have said there is no reason he caged post on the base- it can be sent anywhere in the world including to places like Afghanistan or Yemen, if the correct address is used.

He’s telling you porkies about the address. Is he telling other untruths? Are you certain he’s actually in the army, for instance?
He’s certainly not your partner. Partners share responsibility.