He doesnt want to provide for us

[urbandictictionary123]

Ive been with my partner for almost 6 years now, I have 2 children with an ex and we have a toddler betwern us. He is in the army, doesnt live with us as he works a few hours away so he comes over 1 or 2 nights at the weekend. Ive never asked him for any money, apart from when I was really struggling when our son was first born, that soon stopped though as he said he couldnt afford it. So once my maternity was over I went back to work and as we wasnt living together or had no financial ties I claimed for tax credits as a single person.
However, a couple months ago I got a letter from hmrc to say they believe I have a partner living with me as he has mail delivered to mine, which he does as he has no permanent address with being in the army. I sent them evidence to prove he doesnt pay anything to us and they have now stopped my claim. So im now around 300 down every month no money for food, petrol ect...just enough for my mortgage and bills. Ive told my partnern how.much im struggling and asked him for help, which he basically just said he cant afford to. Hes on 30000 a year, lives in cheap army accomodation and has minimul bills, but a few dents to pay. He has money available each month, i know, as he buys new xbox games, clothes jights oht ect....and he said he couldnt afford to help. After an argument he bregrudgingly put sone money in my account but I know he wont want to do it again. Ive lost all respect for him if im honest, but I also do not want another broken home, I want my son to have his dad in his life and I dont want him tooing and froing from ho.e to home like my other 2 children have to. Dont know what to do.

madcatladyforever if only we are told hiw our life would turn out eh

Only if you are married can you get this 'family help'

Depends on which help you're referring to.

He can certainly get subsidised travel to you and as you've said yourself already childcare vouchers as that's nothing to do with him being military.

Definitely speak to ssafa, they are NOT just for spouses and will keep you right on current military reg's on finances

My eyebrow did shoot up @Graphista

if only we are told hiw our life would turn out eh

No need for the snark! We're not the ones risking being prosecuted for benefit fraud and losing our and our children's home!

No you can't predict everything but there are some things that are obvious that are "red flags" in terms of people's behaviour and to be avoided.

if only we are told hiw our life would turn out eh

Take some personal responsibility. You already had children who depended on you before you decided it was a good idea to have another child with a man who was uncommitted to you.

This didn't all happen by accident. You are a willing participant. And going from your update you've learned absolutely nothing.

if only we are told hiw our life would turn out eh hmm

It would help you if you gained some sense that you have choices and the ability to influence events. Because you do.

Before you agree to joint bank accounts, with a man who witholds financial information about what exactly he earns and what exactly he's been spending this on, while you barely afford food, clothing and household expenses....please first see an independent person for advice
consider the wise words from people here telling you to get angry with this man's financial abuse, and neglect of his child.

If he hasn't paid the bills for 6 years , yet gets his mail sent to your address, and drops in once a week , like he is an equally contributing partner, then off he goes..

Something is not right here
Do your research carefully to uncover the truth.
Don't trust the address he told you to send a letter , get the correct address from people on here who worked for MOD
We are cheering for you to find the truth and get back your power to deal with the real situation

6 x 30,000 = $180,000
What bills did he spend it on ?
What other secret payments/ purchases?
How many bank accounts does he gave?
Would your joint account be enabling access to all his earnings or just one of many accounts, set up to cover other payments ?

Do you have a mortgage ?
Does he want a joint account so he can be seen as a partner, to get half the house

I'm not convinced by the Update either

But he's not being a "Daddy" is he? He's being a cocklodger. OMG how have you allowed this! He needs to pay maintenance...

Joint accounts???
Be very wary as that may start like that and maybe he says wages have to me transferred to his account which he then passes any amount to the joint.
Joint means you will be financially tied.
He already had debts.... he doesn’t give a shit about you or your child together. Careful as is this away of taking out more credit through your name etc.
Will your credit score be affected with his name on an account if he’s in debt? Does this affect remortgage? If you lose the house will this impact on rental properties?
Will the HMRC accept your appeal?
Although he isn’t really living at yours as you say does this mean you are still entitled to claim benefits if you are a couple and he should be contributing much more that CMS? Why does the taxpayer foot that choice that you two made?

Just a few questions as I still not sure if the 12K will be dropped as it seems complicated and I’m not sure what’s right or wrong here. Basically if you are a couple even if living apart, your joint income calculated should mean even with two places and his highish wage should mean you don’t need the extra money in theory! Yes he’s an arse but it’s your choice to stay and if you split then you are entitled to that help.
Weird, not sure what to make of it, feels a bit risky.

I’m worried about his change and also how long it lasts and what happens after this.
Hope it does work out for you for the sake of your children.
Xxx

A joint account is more proof that you are living as a couple sharing finances. Will that help your case that he doesn’t live with you? In your op you say you sent proof that he doesn’t pay you anything.

A joint account is a definate no- it will confirm that there is financial links between you and therefore you are definately not entitled to tax credits etc. Also makes you more vulnerable regarding his debts I suspect.
Letter from CO confirming him to be living in Army accommodation might be helpful, but lots of families are separated during the week while the military partner is in camp and can't claim benefits. I would still get him to stop sending mail to your address
You might need some sort of confirmation from him that his payments to you are for child maintenance.
You really need advice regarding the HMRC involvment - otherwise how will you repay the £12k and the benefit fraud potential charge?
I think a call to SSAfA or the Hive at his base might help you sort out the military payments minefield..

Don't get a joint account.
If in army he can get post delivered to his accommodation
What proof do you have of his job?
Have you visited him in his accommodation?

Oh Sweetheart. You really need to face the fact that you're a single parent. Only then can you make a nice life for you and your children

Omfg how can you read this abd think a joint account is the answer

Head/desk here

OP you are on a hiding to nowhere (and costing yourself money) just to keep a 'relationship' with someone that really doesn't care about your financial wellbeing, or that of the DC.

You would be far better off informing him he is no longer to use your address for correspondence and seeing the CAB about reinstating benefits lost. I wouldn't tie yourself to him with a joint account, after all presumably he isnt going to actually put any money in it for you regularly is he. His salary isn't going into it let's face it, he knows what he's doing!

Are you scared he'll leave you if you pursue him for maintenance OP? Why is staying with him important enough to disadvantage yourself like this. He is obliged to pay and I agree that you should contact the CO regarding it when pursuing a claim.

Sadly OP, I suspect he's pretending to show willing and will give you some crumbs of money that will dry up quickly again, as he knows its far cheaper than paying what he should be. Clearly he hopes to keep you onside so you do none of the above, and play it so that you don't feel able to challenge him or leave him and he can have his cake and eat it. Whether you let him is up to you ultimately; but you do not have to put up with anything of the sort, as has been pointed out many times here.