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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesnt want to provide for us

117 replies

urbandictictionary123 · 02/07/2019 22:23

Ive been with my partner for almost 6 years now, I have 2 children with an ex and we have a toddler betwern us. He is in the army, doesnt live with us as he works a few hours away so he comes over 1 or 2 nights at the weekend. Ive never asked him for any money, apart from when I was really struggling when our son was first born, that soon stopped though as he said he couldnt afford it. So once my maternity was over I went back to work and as we wasnt living together or had no financial ties I claimed for tax credits as a single person.
However, a couple months ago I got a letter from hmrc to say they believe I have a partner living with me as he has mail delivered to mine, which he does as he has no permanent address with being in the army. I sent them evidence to prove he doesnt pay anything to us and they have now stopped my claim. So im now around 300 down every month no money for food, petrol ect...just enough for my mortgage and bills. Ive told my partnern how.much im struggling and asked him for help, which he basically just said he cant afford to. Hes on 30000 a year, lives in cheap army accomodation and has minimul bills, but a few dents to pay. He has money available each month, i know, as he buys new xbox games, clothes jights oht ect....and he said he couldnt afford to help. After an argument he bregrudgingly put sone money in my account but I know he wont want to do it again. Ive lost all respect for him if im honest, but I also do not want another broken home, I want my son to have his dad in his life and I dont want him tooing and froing from ho.e to home like my other 2 children have to. Dont know what to do.

OP posts:
loubieloulou · 03/07/2019 08:32

OP you say you would be better off single as he only stays over 1/2 nights a week.... you practically ARE single by the sounds of it.
Dump this sponger who contributes nothing to running/ helping your household. You pay all the mortgage etc I've gathered from what you've said?

If you was to go solo & claim the allowance you would then be entitled to at least you would be in a better financial position.

I'm with the other poster who said report him to his CO for not supporting his child. It's truly vile that he can afford all of his other personal luxuries but yet refuses to help you & you've carried his child.

He is awful OP, I'm sorry but a wage of 30K is more than enough for him to give you the financial support you need.

I would wash your hands of him & pass all the details onto child maintenance to get from him what you are owed.

He clearly doesn't give a shit about you or his child.

Don't let him take you for a mug OP Thanks

pikapikachu · 03/07/2019 08:40

Does he know that he's cost you £12k plus £300pm plus risking you legal problems?

I'm gobsmacked that you are risking all of that for a silly fantasy that won't come true if he's posted overseas. You need to wake up and fight for the kids. It's one thing for you to accept this disaster but your kids shouldn't have to.

MarthasGinYard · 03/07/2019 08:41

Get rid he clearly doesn't love or respect you.

Get his mail redirected he does have a military address.

I believe you can inform the military directly if an employee isn't paying for their dc.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 03/07/2019 08:46

Threads like this are so depressing.

Look, he's clearly a feckless waste of space who has no intention of facing up to his responsibilities, and as a result you have £12,000 worth of fraudulently claimed benefits to pay back.

But you have a romantic vision straight out of some children's book from God knows when, where mummy and daddy put their rosy-cheeked children to bed before snuggling up in front of the fire together. And even though it's never going to happen, as soon as everyone points that out to you, you're desperately making excuses for him because he buys presents for the kids. Well, that makes it all all right then!

You need to get your head out of the clouds and start taking practical steps to make life better for all of you. Starting with ditching this waste of space and getting a formal child maintenance payment set up. I presume the dad of your older children is paying CM? Why does the dad of the younger one not have to?

CmdrCressidaDuck · 03/07/2019 08:52

Woman, you don't have a partner. You have a man who condescends to fuck you, no strings, when he's in the area and has nothing better to do, and who fathered a child on you who he doesn't support. You have a cocklodging deadbeat. You have a dead weight. Most people's exes do a sight more than he does for you, his supposed "partner".

Give him the flick, make a CMS claim, and for God's sake don't get into any more relationships or have any more children for a while, because your standards are alarmingly low and you're sacrificing your actual children's actual life to some fuzzy fantasy of two parents.

loubieloulou · 03/07/2019 08:57

Sorry OP @CmdrCressidaDuck has sadly hit the nail on the head 100% here with that brutal response Thanks

CmdrCressidaDuck · 03/07/2019 09:19

Sorry, that was a bit harsh, I'm a bit stressed myself ATM. But seriously, OP, you've got to realise that this is not a partnership and never has been, and to demand more, if not for yourself then for your children.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 03/07/2019 09:22

If your 'D' P isn't there during the week anyway he's not going to be there at school pickups anyway so your fantasy will never be one a reality anyway. Dump this fucker and claim CMS. Honestly he's got no respect for you or his responsibilities. You don't want your kids growing up to think this is how relationships work.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/07/2019 09:24

Wow. have you appealed?

LannieDuck · 03/07/2019 11:13

He's playing you for a fool. Of course he can buy all your kids nice birthday and christmas gifts - he's saving so much money by not looking after his son!

Presumably your child is in nursery. Does he pay half of that cost?

If you broke up with him, you could also claim a single person discount on council tax.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2019 11:19

U want him to wake up on his birthdays and xmas with his mummy and daddy,bo want hime to run out of school towards his mummy and daddy but that isn't happening is it, cos he's in the army and you see him weekends. If you broke up where would he have DS alternate weekends?

Sorry but sounds like he comes home weekends for sex, throws a bit of cash and Disney Dadding at you all then send off again

midsummabreak · 03/07/2019 11:39

Please be kind to yourself, Many of us have been taken down the garden path.
You are wanting a happy fufure for your beautiful children, and one way or another, , with your fighting spirit, and by expecting to be treated fairly and with respect, you will have this.

Shitonthebloodything · 03/07/2019 11:39

This is pretty shocking. Personally, I would start today by setting up a redirection of his mail to where he actually lives and sending proof to HMRC. You need to cooperate fully with them and give them as much proof as possible of your circumstances.

You don't have a relationship with this man so you need to finish things and ensure he has no attachment to your address or finances.
And please claim through CMS!

AyBeeCee10 · 03/07/2019 12:09

What an utter fool you are. Really you are.

lifebegins50 · 03/07/2019 12:15

Has he helped you prove that he doesn't live with you?
First thing is to deal with the HMRC situation. Can you talk to CAB to get advice?

If he is paying rent to the army then he was just using your address as a (free) PO box nos.

Money reflects someone's attitude and he clearly sees himself as single.

How old is he?

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2019 14:41

I'm stunned at OP's naivety .. he's taken you for a complete idiot OP. Sorry Flowers

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/07/2019 14:54

He doesn't live with you. Appeal. If he doesn't help, ask the managers of he army housing (sorry, don’t know he right lingo) to confirm he lives there.

Chaoticpenguin · 03/07/2019 15:59

Firstly he’s acting very strange!
What debts does he have and how did he get them if not registered at an address?

He’s not a dad! 1/2 nights is pathetic and his gifting little bits is intended to keep you quiet.

HMRC can take you to court for fraud. 12K???
How can you pay this back!

I feel for you as you want so badly to keep the idea of a family unit together due to your last relationship. However he’s useless. 30K and in army accommodation???? Seriously?

I feel for you yet I feel angered that you are so desperate to create a fairy tale that isn’t even that that you are risking a prison sentence and have no money from him to help with his and your child that you made!

It’s also annoying that you have committed fraud that he seems fine with, that comes from taxpayers money and so many people need extra help and this sort of fraud makes people very angry and want help reduced and become more conservative when the few take the poss out of a system to help those in need that genuinely need the help. The result is that major cuts in public funding that really fucks the desperate over.

You on your own would count as one that needed the help genuinely and from what little he’s contributing I can see you need it but from a tax payer or HMRC perspective with him being a partner and listed at your address he is supposed to be contributing to half or whatever is fit.
I actually think he should be chased for the 12K but unfortunately it’s your name on the claim and you ticked the box saying all was accurate so unfortunately legally it’s you they will be after.

The sad thing is that you will possibly lose your house as you said you had a mortgage so I’m assuming it’s in your name.
The very thing that keeps a roof over your children’s heads and provides stability, the reason you didn’t go into army accommodation was the fear of moving every couple of years. Well this is looking very likely unless you don’t act now. I’m not sure how you can appeal. Maybe you need to get confirmation of his army accommodation and his supervisor to give evidence that his residence is with them. I’m not sure if this is still acceptable.
But there will
Likely be legal cost that if the supervisor of partner can help or direct you with help, even docking his wages??? I don’t know.

I’m in shock as the thing you are trying to create, you have also destroyed or at least he has but with you knowingly in a weird way.

Does he have another family? Gabbling issues?
What are his debts?

How much does he pay out?

6 years together and a child together, seeing 1/2 days a week? You hardly know him or his life, or finances!
Really odd situation and not a family life that you seem to dream about with mummy and daddy at school gates etc.
I know army life is a different ball ground but surely you work the logistics before a child is in the picture as no way would I and many have a dad that walks in 1/2 days a week. I would love in barracks if I chose to have a child with a soldier. Even if they are away you have a community and support in the barracks whether wanted or not that help in raising and supporting the wives and children when OH are away.
I can’t see how the dream of mummy and daddy at school gates and other times could ever have been if this was the structure of the relationship in the first place.
Not many mummy and daddy’s are at school gates as many people have to work or if lucky then the father works so only mummy or vice versa is at the gates.
Just don’t get the fairy tale.

The more I go on as I do ramble on a lot, it makes me angry

I do feel for you and your children but I feel he’s a dick and that is a known but you have been compliant in this and will lead to the debt around you and your children for years to come and quite possibly the loss of the stability that you so wanted for your children when the house is taken.

I honestly hope it isn’t but you have lost the tax credits and then he’s not contributing, you’re struggling already and then you have to at present pay back the debt and god knows what repayment plan they put in place and also if they want to take you to court.

Chaoticpenguin · 03/07/2019 16:05

Wow that’s an essay!
Sorry

I’m not good at getting to the point very easily and I find blunt statements sound harsh without explanation.

I’m basically saying SHIT

*Ditch the arse
*You may lose the house
*Appeal HMRC
*See if you can get help or confirmation of his living at army barracks
*Claim CMS
*Stop living a pretend fairytale

  • He’s a crap example as a father to your children
urbandictictionary123 · 03/07/2019 20:28

Thanks for all of your advice. We have had a chat and he is going to start contributing each month, he also said about getting a joint account so everything goes in and out of that. Ive asked for his CO to write a letter to confirm he lives in army accomodation and ive been in contact with CAB too, ive sent them an email explaining everything asmy phone line is bad here, hopefully they will arrange a face to face meeting.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 20:31

You should get advice regarding the joint account before you do it. Won't that affect your benefits?

Graphista · 03/07/2019 20:33

"marry and live in married quarters- cheaper housing, council tax etc"

Just wanted to correct this myth

Military housing is VERY slightly subsidised on the rent but all other bills are the same as for everyone else and are not deducted out of their wages.

Running a home costs the same for military families as for any other family.

The help military families get is minimal and really only offsets the expenses of frequent moving, being away from "home" and the difficulties this can cause.

So as I say slightly reduced rent, help with travel costs (but not free) for trips "home", removals costs covered.

But otherwise military families have bills to pay just like everyone else.

"Contact SSAFA as first point of call. They provide decent support to military families and can advise re finances and other benefits" good call should've thought of it myself

madcatladyforever · 03/07/2019 20:35

You need to stop having children with rubbish men.
There is no family that I can see and he doesn't care about any of you. Dump him. Stop his mail and apply for child support. Appeal the decision. Don't chase after dreams that don't exist and start being a realistic.

urbandictictionary123 · 03/07/2019 20:35

Only if you are married can you get this 'family help'

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/07/2019 20:37

Anyone else not completely convinced by op's update?

Seriously op before you agree to anything with this guy - who's been getting away with a LOT for years with you - get advice from someone informed and impartial, be totally honest with them, see them without him and take the advice given.

Because he has been completely playing you and will not give up his gravy train lightly!