He doesnt want to provide for us

[urbandictictionary123]

Ive been with my partner for almost 6 years now, I have 2 children with an ex and we have a toddler betwern us. He is in the army, doesnt live with us as he works a few hours away so he comes over 1 or 2 nights at the weekend. Ive never asked him for any money, apart from when I was really struggling when our son was first born, that soon stopped though as he said he couldnt afford it. So once my maternity was over I went back to work and as we wasnt living together or had no financial ties I claimed for tax credits as a single person.
However, a couple months ago I got a letter from hmrc to say they believe I have a partner living with me as he has mail delivered to mine, which he does as he has no permanent address with being in the army. I sent them evidence to prove he doesnt pay anything to us and they have now stopped my claim. So im now around 300 down every month no money for food, petrol ect...just enough for my mortgage and bills. Ive told my partnern how.much im struggling and asked him for help, which he basically just said he cant afford to. Hes on 30000 a year, lives in cheap army accomodation and has minimul bills, but a few dents to pay. He has money available each month, i know, as he buys new xbox games, clothes jights oht ect....and he said he couldnt afford to help. After an argument he bregrudgingly put sone money in my account but I know he wont want to do it again. Ive lost all respect for him if im honest, but I also do not want another broken home, I want my son to have his dad in his life and I dont want him tooing and froing from ho.e to home like my other 2 children have to. Dont know what to do.

So hes your partner but hes in the army, you have a child with him and he uses your address, but he doesnt actually live with you .....and now your tax credits have stopped.....you are/were both pulling a fast one and committing benefit fraud. Do you think everyone who has a partner that works away lives like this? Have you been asked to pay back any of this money?.....struth i just cant believe what i read on here sometimes. Stop enabling this twat and get child support from him and your other kids dads...make better choices in your childrens lives and stop prattling on about not wanting you child to have a part time dad( and perfect familys) cos thats exactly what he has now...and a useless one who doesnt want to pay his way!

He will cost you money for the nights he comes over. Hot water, electricity and food are not free. You are subsidising him. And he is not a good dad if he refuses to pay anything for his kids, especially when you are struggling so much.
It makes me wonder what kind of childhood you had that you are willing to accept being treated this way and see it as okay?

Whats this i want him to see hie kids come out at school-they dont see him as it is!

Tell him you either want 300 now or you'll be splittin up and going to cms for it

and he gets tax free vouchers for childcare which he gives you....is he having a laugh....what a git!

He is not going to be having his child at weekends is he? If he can't get his mail there he can't take a child there.

He can get his mail sent to his accommodation. Although it would probably come through to his office/workplace. I used to work for the MOD and it was common for soldiers' mail to be delivered along with the internal stuff. They might have had to go to the mail room for parcels, but letters would land on their desks.
He's taking you for a ride. Do you know any of his friends and colleagues, or their spouses, who might be able to give you a more accurate picture?
I suspect that when you start to make financial demands on him, he will dump you anyway, which might make it (emotionally) easier to claim via the cms. No man who would keep all of his cash for himself at the expense of his child is worthy of your time or your love. Don't lie down and let him walk all over you, fight for your child and model self respect to your children.

He would need to pay about 230 cm a month if we seperated. He said he will give me 200 a month, though he argued he couldnt really afford that. He also pays for.meals out, shopping and anything our boy might need at the weekends too, he also buys things for mynother two children, and although I say he doesnt need to he always insists on buying my other 2 birthday and christmas.presents, more than what I buy rhem even aswell! Lookimg at it like that he does give alot...

I wouldnt want to kove into military housing no, that would mean uprouting my children every few years.

And yes, I need to pay 12k back to hmrc. Although I spoke to sonone today in the hmrc and told them my situation and they told.me to apply for universal.credit as single!

Military accommodation costs about £100 a month for unmarried personnel. He will also get a monthly travel allowance to get him home. So what exactly are his outgoings? He can most definitely afford to give you some money.

Have they asked you to repay the rest of the tax credits you received? I don't want to worry you but I'd be surprised if they don't.

He cant get travel costs because henhas the accomodation, so they see he has no need to travel back. If he was to move in here.permanently and not have military accomodation then he would get the travel allowance.

Yes, 12kbin toral. Dont know how they expect me.to pay that back, i mean theyve seen my bank statements and could see I was struggling even with the tax credits

Sorry, my speeling is shocking. Tiredness.

So this arsehole has actually taken £12K off you effectively and you're still putting up with this?!

But even if you've sent HMRC copies of your bank statements, there's nothing to prove he isn't just giving you £5-600pmth in cash from his pay.

He is a cruel bastard to put you through this, to refuse to pay to family bills and then play sugar Daddy buying them presents with money he has saved. He comes out looking good to the little ones, but he is actually a cruel misogynistic bastard who happily financially abuses his partner without looking bacck to see the massive stress and hardship he has caused.
You deserve a loving partner who thinks nothing of fairly treating his family

You’re allowing him to abuse your children. He knows you’re struggling to provide heat, clothing etc for your children and he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care about them.

It’s one thing to allow yourself to be shat all over, but to allow your children to be shat on too?!

Get a grip and get rid.

0808 808 4000 National debtline
It doesnt hurt to call about how to deal with paying $12 K debt

Army brat, ex wife & ex mod admin here.

He's spun you a load of bollocks to be honest!

What rank and trade is he in? Would enable us to check his pay, you to check his pay actually or do you already know what he earns? Ah you do know what he earns and he's feeding you bullshit!

Also he can use his work address for mail if he's in barracks Accom so bullshit he needs to use your address.

Get onto cms ASAP and get a claim in.

Contact your local welfare advice office and get their help to re-establish your claim with tax credits which you are entitled to

Tell him to stop using your address!

If he gives you any grief on anything contact his CO and tell them the problems you're having with him. They're not necessarily helpful with cm in my experience - though others have had better experiences, but messing you up with the mail nonsense they will sort.

"I would be far better off single" you ARE single in any way that makes any meaningful difference to you or your kids. Your youngest already doesn't have dad there all the time and is part of a "broken" family because quite honestly it was never "whole"

You are being very naive and irresponsible not to recognise and accept that

"I wouldnt want to kove into military housing no, that would mean uprouting my children every few years." Then frankly you shouldn't have got together with someone in the army! What are you thinking will happen when he next gets posted? Which could include overseas?

"He cant get travel costs because henhas the accomodation, so they see he has no need to travel back" also bullshit! That's not how it works at all!

Cut this abusive tosser off, Claim tax credits as a Lp, claim cm and stop being such a mug!

Why are you allowing him to treat you like this? idgaf if he cant afford it .. he HAS a child!

Also BS. he definitely gets a nice amount of money if he is in the army, my friend is in the army and earns 30k a year .. pays £900 rent and has 3 kids who he pays 100% for whilst his wife is a STAHM so thats BS and i think he is saving it and spending it behind your back

CMS, if he is costing you money by having his mail come to your place then you need to formalise the child support.

I'm afraid the idea of your son "running out to mummy and daddy" is one to be thought through carefully before the condoms come off. It's way too late for that now. You need to leave him and get the money your entitled to legally.

Your son can have his dad in his life without you being in the dad's life OP. Go for child support immediately. Sounds like your partner wants his cake and eat it too. If he truly cared you would NOT be struggling. He is a selfish man who cares only for himself it seems.

I'm surprised that none of this was discussed before you decided to have a child together - honestly a lot of these posts on MN are so frustrating - does no one think before they start having kids these days??

If you didn't want to move on to married quarters and commit your lives to each other than you shouldn't be together - and your child was never going to have that "mummy and daddy moment" if you never had any intentioned of living like a normal family.