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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the woman on the side?

115 replies

AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 11:48

So it’s a bit of a long one. I’ve been seeing this guy for around 6 months now. When we met he said he had been split from his ex for around 3 months. After a few months of seeing him and him staying at my house I pushed the topic of why he hadn’t invited me to stay at his?

After pushing the topic a few days later again, he spilled the beans and said that his ex still lives with him (he owns the house, they’re not married) and she won’t leave until he gives her money, which he is not willing to do.

Fast forward a few months later and she is still there but supposedly buying a house so she will go once she has somewhere to live. She has apparently found a place and had the offer accepted. It’s chain free but is still taking months to complete?

He won’t give over any information about her, I know she’s blonde and my height. But I don’t know her name or anything like that. He had no social media so I can’t look on that to find her and see if they’re actually still together.

I don’t want to feel like I have wasted 6 months of my life and I do really like him. I just don’t know if he’s telling the truth and how much longer I should wait it out for.

Opinions on this, and also does a chain free house ever take that long to complete?

The reason they split is because she cheated on him supposedly.

Xx

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/07/2019 11:51

I wouldn't waste my time dating someone who lived with another women they are/have been in a romantic relationship with.

In fact, it's the first question I ask on a dating website.

Date some others, and keep him on the back burner for a while, throw him the odd date now and again if you want.

The key question I ask on dating websites is "if I asked your friends and family whether you were single, what would they say?"

loobyloo1234 · 01/07/2019 11:58

Have you met any of his friends or family OP?

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 12:15

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 we met in person, not on a dating sight. We met in a bar and he gave me his number. I asked him there and then if he was single and he said he had been single for 3 months. No mention of the ex living with him at that point x

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 12:16

@loobyloo1234 no, I’ve met no friends or family yet. We went away recently for his birthday to penny hill park and he bumped into someone he knew, but he didn’t say hi to them Hmm x

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 01/07/2019 12:16

after pushing the topic a few days later again, he spilled the beans and said that his ex still lives with him

And you should have shown him the door right there. Whether he is still sleeping with her or not (which, seems likely) he lied to you, for months.

But you stayed An here's the second red flag in that he hasn't let you meet her. Here's the thing, if there was nothing going on he would have said to her 'hey, im dating someone new and I've told her about my living arrangements and she just wants to meet you to confirm we are done and she isn't the other woman'. And you'd all meet over a drink and that would be that. But he is still hiding you from one another.

You get it right? I mean you get that he is a scumball. Because he is. Bet SHE wasn't the one that cheated on him either.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 12:20

@tea yes I should’ve shown him the door there and then. But now it’s been 6 months I hate to feel like I’ve wasted my time on him x

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 01/07/2019 12:29

Yeah, I think a lot of women would get that and a lot would also tell you that because of that feeling, they stayed with the wrong man for them (or heck, the wrong man for any woman). Better to lose 6 months to a jerk and learn a good lesson from it than 3 years to a jerk wishing you'd learned the lesson in 6 months.

Life is precious. And he isn't treating you right. And that isn't going to change.

MonkeyTrap · 01/07/2019 12:31

I think you’re dating my ex! And in that case you are most definitely the bit on the side Hmm

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 12:33

@monkeytrap what area is your ex from? Imagine if it is actually the same person!

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 01/07/2019 12:34

But now it’s been 6 months I hate to feel like I’ve wasted my time on him

This is the sunk cost fallacy in a nutshell!

Try not to think of it as a waste of time, more that you had fun for 6 months and then ended it.

TeaForTheWin · 01/07/2019 12:34

But if you really want to know, give him the ultimatum - 'let me call your ex right now and just say - hey, hows it going? I'm dating your ex paul who you still live with and wanted to just confirm I wasn't stepping on any toes and there's nothing still going on between you'. If he says no (or even if he tries to postpone) then you KNOW he is still sleeping with her (she probably thinks they are still an item) and you drop him.

MonkeyTrap · 01/07/2019 12:35

I don’t want to say but he has a daughter?

More likely it’s a man pulling the same trick. I fell for it for a while then realised the truth and confronted him, at which point he came clean.

zippey · 01/07/2019 12:41

I sounds like you secretly don’t want to know, in case it’s bad news.

I mean, if you really wanted to know, there’s nothing stopping you finding out about his family, friends, his “ex”, any children he might have. It sounds like you only know the surface of this person. And he doesn’t want you knowing. Otherwise he would be shouting from the rooftops about you.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 12:43

@zippey I’ve done lots of digging but due to his lack of social media it’s hard to find much. I know a lot about his parents and sister. He hasn’t mentioned his ex’s name so I can’t track her down to see if they’re still together x

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 01/07/2019 12:51

Opinions on this, and also does a chain free house ever take that long to complete?

I can answer this bit - yes it can. A family member is buying a house with no chain and it's been going on for nearly six months. Ridiculous state of affairs but it does happen.

Unburnished · 01/07/2019 12:54

If you register on 192.com, you can see who is registered at an address. Likewise the Electoral Register. Have you done a full social media search on all his family? How about his work? Have you Googled them?

I know the above sounds stalkerish but if you want to know then a bit of digging is required.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/07/2019 12:55

This sounds all kinds of shady. He won't tell you her name? No, because he doesn't want you finding out anything about her.

Sorry, but I 100% think you're his bit on the side. Him not introducing you to his friends and family, plus him hiding from someone he knew while you were away, let alone the fact he's still LIVING WITH HER...

Wake up, OP.

minmooch · 01/07/2019 12:55

6 months is no time at all. 6 months is still trying to find out if you are compatible.

You are not compatible because he is not available to you emotionally or physically. Stop seeing him and tell him to contact you when he is truly free of his ex.

If this relationship is going to work/meant to be then he will respect your views, sort out his shit and contact you when he is truly free.

He lied to you, even if by omission, ergo he is a liar. not a great start to base a relationship on.

You may not officially be the OW but you are definitely the re-bound. Not something I would want to be.

TheCatThatDanced · 01/07/2019 13:12

192.com is not necessarily up to date, depends if he and his 'ex' voted or not.

I would be annoyed actually if you're the rebound or OW. And 6 months can seem a long time if you're invested in the relationship. But dust yourself off and move on.

1forAll74 · 01/07/2019 13:14

Well,you are the woman on the side in some ways, but because of some secrecy, you are certainly not knowing who you are really. It's not a great way to be going on for your peace of mind.

If you are prepared to wait,and go along with this secrecy thing,so be it, but you shouldn't have to be digging around for information about people.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 13:15

@thecatthatdanced I had a little look on 192 but couldn’t find anything of much use. I know his address x

OP posts:
Alloftit · 01/07/2019 13:16

They’re still together is my gut feeling. And it’s yours too or you wouldn’t be asking, trust your gut. To be honest, even if they’re not still actually together, they’re still entangled, and that’s not a good basis for a new relationship.

DontPressSendTooSoon · 01/07/2019 13:17

Its a sunk cost OP.. don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy

www.behavioraleconomics.com/resources/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/sunk-cost-fallacy/

Happyspud · 01/07/2019 13:19

Jeez, how is it not freaking you out, even IF what he’s says is true, that they’re not emotionally engaging on a daily basis while living together. Honestly the chances that they sometimes still sleep together, even IF broken up, are absurdly high!

Wake up OP.

Badwifey · 01/07/2019 13:20

I think 6 months without meeting any friends or family gives you your answer