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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the woman on the side?

115 replies

AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 11:48

So it’s a bit of a long one. I’ve been seeing this guy for around 6 months now. When we met he said he had been split from his ex for around 3 months. After a few months of seeing him and him staying at my house I pushed the topic of why he hadn’t invited me to stay at his?

After pushing the topic a few days later again, he spilled the beans and said that his ex still lives with him (he owns the house, they’re not married) and she won’t leave until he gives her money, which he is not willing to do.

Fast forward a few months later and she is still there but supposedly buying a house so she will go once she has somewhere to live. She has apparently found a place and had the offer accepted. It’s chain free but is still taking months to complete?

He won’t give over any information about her, I know she’s blonde and my height. But I don’t know her name or anything like that. He had no social media so I can’t look on that to find her and see if they’re actually still together.

I don’t want to feel like I have wasted 6 months of my life and I do really like him. I just don’t know if he’s telling the truth and how much longer I should wait it out for.

Opinions on this, and also does a chain free house ever take that long to complete?

The reason they split is because she cheated on him supposedly.

Xx

OP posts:
fiorentina · 02/07/2019 09:34

I lived with my ex for nearly a year after splitting as the house wouldn’t sell.
Eventually I got the finance to buy him out.
I dated in that time and he didn’t come to the house but did meet my friends and family.

Dvg · 02/07/2019 09:38

Sounds fishy to me, plus why the hotel? surely if they have broken up then he is welcome to have you in HIS house.

nah he has a girlfriend/wife whatever

Unburnished · 02/07/2019 18:08

Who pays for the hotels generally? Do you split it or does he claim it (and the dinners) on expenses?

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 02/07/2019 20:10

@Unburnished he has a well paid job as is a traditional man she he usually pays. He doesn’t expense it, he just pays with his regular card or sometimes Amex if they accept it.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 02/07/2019 21:06

The odd thing is you seen to expect him to cave and tell you the truth ....Confused You need to do some investigation or walk away .

AnyFucker · 02/07/2019 21:13

You are being mugged off

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/07/2019 21:29

You are being mugged off

Succinct but accurate as ever ... Wink

joystir59 · 02/07/2019 23:14

He is playing you OP. Don't waste any more energy.

Ginger1982 · 02/07/2019 23:25

I don't understand why you haven't just said, 'so what's her name then?'

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 02/07/2019 23:36

@Ginger1982 I have! He just says oh you don’t need to know. Things are going smoothly with the house sale and I don’t want her to pull out of the sale if she finds out I’m dating someone new. Fishy right??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2019 06:17

Positively piscine

KaleidoscopeEyes · 03/07/2019 06:27

I know it's not impossible but fairly unusual to have no social media presence these days. That's a bit of a red flag as well.

Unburnished · 03/07/2019 07:07

Well, at least he’s not hiding your hotel breaks - they’ll show up on his bank account (unless he has more than one bank account/credit card).

His statement about her pulling out of the sale is fishy though. If they’ve split, why would she care if she cheated?

Mystraightenersarebroken · 03/07/2019 07:16

We don't know the 'ex' has access to his bank account.

BogglesGoggles · 03/07/2019 07:28

With regards to not meeting family that’s not necessarily weird. I wasn’t introduced to my FIL until I was already married-the man is so vile my DH was worried I’d leave him over it. DH never even met my mother. DH’s older sister didn’t introduce her boyfriend to the family until a year or so into the relationship and only then because he got jittery about it. I can see a lot of reasons why he doesn’t want to introduce you to anyone (especially if he doesn’t want word getting back to his ex girl friend that he’s already dating someone new). But what I do find odd is that he hasn’t introduced you to anyone at all. There are lots of plausible reasons for not introducing you to his wider circle. But not getting a second opinion from a trusted person would suggest that either he is ashamed of you (fir example because you are the OW) or he’s not serious about your relationship.

BogglesGoggles · 03/07/2019 07:31

@Unburnished not all break ups are mutual. If she cheated that would suggest she wanted to stay in the relationship for whatever reason. He may be worried that she’ll punish him for moving on.

Twisique · 03/07/2019 07:37

Do you have his correct name?

That could explain why you can't find him on social media.

So for example, his name as you know him is Darren Johns. His full name is Darren Johnson or Darren John Clarkson. That and a photo of a surfboard or bike means you never find him. Have you seen his Id?

Ginger1982 · 03/07/2019 07:37

@AmITheGarlicBread well that is weird. I mean, what does you knowing her first name even matter?

Annonymiss123 · 03/07/2019 09:56

Do you have his correct name?

I was thinking the same about his birthday. Do you know that you spent his birthday weekend together because he told you, or have you seen his DOB on driving licence / passport?

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 03/07/2019 10:02

The fact that he didn't mention it to begin with is enough to show he's dishonest. Don't stick around long enough to find out just how dishonest he is.

PicsInRed · 03/07/2019 12:28

Could easily be a work owned credit card. These can have your own name on them, no work reference. If "ex" saw it, would assume work travel.

litterbird · 03/07/2019 13:23

mmmmm...sounds fishy to me....I have just met a man a few weeks ago and within 2 minutes of our first date he told me his home position. He divorced his wife 10 years ago, she has gone on to marry and divorce twice since then. She is now renting a room at his house until she gets herself back on her feet again and she has already met someone else. He divulged this to me immediately. Even so, he has asked me for a third date but I think like many other posters....they are living together under the same roof and enjoy day to day interaction. He is a lovely man, dont get me wrong, and we have a lot of mutual friends but I dont think I will pursue this. Even with his admission.....I really can't be bothered with this complication! I would think carefully before you see anymore of him sadly.

Whereissummerthisyear · 03/07/2019 13:37

It could be genuine (I lived with exh for two years after we separated) but it’s a complicated situation and could get messy. With my exh I think if either of us had met someone else one of us would have moved out.

Casander · 03/07/2019 13:44

I know it’s far out of your way but I’d be very tempted to “surprise” him at home. It definitely would be ringing alarm bells, sorry OP 🙁

Treacletoots · 03/07/2019 13:50

Good god. What makes people have such a low bar and high desperation?

Clinging on to a glimmer of hope whilst ignoring the big fat ton of reality that is staring you in the face. You are the OW OP. And if you're not, you're being treated like shite.

If he wanted to be with you he would be walking over hot coals, not spinning you lines and having seedy hotel shags. Flip it around, do you think if you were having an affair once a week is achievable to be away from home, probably. That's the actual reason you only see him once a week. His partner who he lives with sees him the other four.

On a side note, yes a chain free house purchase can easily take 6 mobths, particularly if you've got a dilitary solicitor. I won't name names as they'll try and sue me again but our seller used the group conveyancer suggested, sorry bribed by the estate agents and they were fucking useless.

Dump the dickhead and look for a real man, before 6 months turns to 7, 8 and so on