Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the woman on the side?

115 replies

AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 11:48

So it’s a bit of a long one. I’ve been seeing this guy for around 6 months now. When we met he said he had been split from his ex for around 3 months. After a few months of seeing him and him staying at my house I pushed the topic of why he hadn’t invited me to stay at his?

After pushing the topic a few days later again, he spilled the beans and said that his ex still lives with him (he owns the house, they’re not married) and she won’t leave until he gives her money, which he is not willing to do.

Fast forward a few months later and she is still there but supposedly buying a house so she will go once she has somewhere to live. She has apparently found a place and had the offer accepted. It’s chain free but is still taking months to complete?

He won’t give over any information about her, I know she’s blonde and my height. But I don’t know her name or anything like that. He had no social media so I can’t look on that to find her and see if they’re actually still together.

I don’t want to feel like I have wasted 6 months of my life and I do really like him. I just don’t know if he’s telling the truth and how much longer I should wait it out for.

Opinions on this, and also does a chain free house ever take that long to complete?

The reason they split is because she cheated on him supposedly.

Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 03/07/2019 13:51

@Twisique yes I know his full name, I’ve seen his ID which is also how I know where he lives x

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 03/07/2019 13:55

I find it really odd that you haven't met any of his friends or family in six months?! That's a massive red flag. Have you asked him why?

lifebegins50 · 03/07/2019 14:03

Clinging on to a glimmer of hope whilst ignoring the big fat ton of reality that is staring you in the face. You are the OW OP. And if you're not, you're being treated like shite

This

OP, any man that wants a long term relationship with you would not say ",you don't need to know". Hd doesnt respect you and that statement shows it.

Reverse the situation, if you were him and it was innocent would you respond as he has??

Are you much younger than him? I think he must be laughing at how easy this is, he lies by omission and then fobs you off, avoids friends when you are out together.. how many more clues do you need before your radar goes off?
Do you really think that this openness is the basis for a good long term relationship?

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 03/07/2019 14:05

I friends in 6 months. That would tell me all
I need to know.

ScreamingLadySutch · 03/07/2019 14:49

You've got mixed up with a wrong'un

There are men out there very happy to use women OP, and will cynically lie in order to do so.

SandyY2K · 03/07/2019 16:47

An honest person would have told you the truth from the beginning about his living situation.

If you hadn't asked, you'd be none the wiser.

I would cut my losses and text/call to tell him the relationship isn't working for you.

BumandChips · 03/07/2019 16:48

You are absolutely the OW. I would definitely park outside his house and see what’s going on.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 03/07/2019 16:50

@bumandchips I’m seriously considering it!

OP posts:
Alloutofusernames1 · 03/07/2019 17:06

Why on earth would he not tell you the ex's name. I know lots of people who have had to continue living together after a split for some time because it is not easy to just move out financially when money is tied up.

BUT I cannot imagine not knowing the ex's name. It is really VERY odd to hide that from you.

AllHopeAndNoResults · 03/07/2019 17:23

If I was near you I’d totally stake the house with you!

It could all be innocent but it’s sounding unlikely. I hope it is for your sake.

If you do sit outside his house keep us all updated 😂 but on a serious note I hope it all works out.

Nautiloid · 03/07/2019 18:38

No social media? No meeting family and friends? Still living with her?

Yeah. You're the OW.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 03/07/2019 18:51

@AllHopeAndNoResults I’m seeing him Sunday so will do a little more digging. Conveniently the house sale has “fallen through” so he said she’ll just have to rent. If that is the case and he is telling the truth then she should be gone within two weeks. If he is lying then he’s backed himself into a corner by saying that x

OP posts:
Unburnished · 03/07/2019 19:38

It does sound fishy OP. Surely if she cheated and theyre not married and she has no stake in the house then he’d not hesitate in getting her to leave? I’d be grilling him like a detective in your shoes, just to see if he tripped himself up.

Does he make plans for the future with you or is it very much a ‘see where it goes’ situation?

AllHopeAndNoResults · 03/07/2019 19:46

Oh dear! It just seems like everything is pointing at it being exactly what you are worrying it is.

How convenient the house has fallen through. Tbh I’d just call him out on it and as someone up thread has already said he has been lying anyway (not straight away saying she lived with him) I think people only lie when there’s something to hide.

How you’ve not lost your cool with him I don’t know.

I’m still hoping it’s all innocent for you but again it’s looking unlikely xx

lifebegins50 · 03/07/2019 19:47

If you are in a relationship and feel the need to play detective it is NOT right.

Why do you need proof when your instinct is screaming

SandyY2K · 03/07/2019 19:55

It sounds like you're desperate to hang on to the relationship.

Sometimes ppl ask the wife how she didn't know her H was having an affair... thinking she must have buried her head in the sand.

You've certainly had enough raging red flags to alert you to his dishonesty and that you are the OW. You sound inexperienced with relationships.

When you're not together does he respond to texts quickly? Does he answer calls from you?
Does he cancel plans at the last minute?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/07/2019 20:39

Conveniently the house sale has “fallen through”

Doubtless the lie was running out of steam. If he knows you're starting to question things you might even have asked to see the house on Rightmove, so best to kill it off quickly

The claim that she'll have to rent is a good one though; just think of all the possibilities around "LLs messing her around", "inventories not being ready", "the gas inspector being on holiday" and so much more

Why even bother, when he's already been deceitful and shows no sign at all of changing?

LittleDoll · 03/07/2019 20:45

I was living with my ex when I met my current partner. But I was loads more transparent than yours is being. I never lied so he couldve asked him anything. Also I had a lot of proof that mine and exs relationship ship had ended in the form of messages, and before that discussion after discussion where we told each other we weren't happy but couldn't see a way out.

MsDogLady · 03/07/2019 21:06

What are your dealbreakers?

*Lied by omission
*No introductions
*Refused to tell you “ex’s” name
*Avoided speaking to friend when with you

The evidence indicates that he is cheating on her with you. I would have walked after discovering the first lie.

Twisique · 03/07/2019 21:15

Hang on, so you only know his address because you looked at his id?

Does he know? You should pop in on a Tuesday tea time and surprise him!

Don't waste any more time on him, you could be missing out on someone really nice!

MsPavlichenko · 03/07/2019 21:49

Why bother wasting another three days of your life? Get rid, move on and be happy.

ChuckleBuckles · 04/07/2019 08:27

I’m seeing him Sunday so will do a little more digging Why bother, you already know he is a liar, why meet him again?

If that is the case and he is telling the truth then she should be gone within two weeks So you are already setting up an excuse to keep seeing him for a few more weeks, even though you already know he is a liar.

If he is lying then he’s backed himself into a corner by saying that And you will excuse this away too and keep seeing him, even though you already know he is a liar.

Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 09:09

Some couples do continue living together after the split of course but she has been living there for almost a year since their split? Seems like an awful long time for an unmarried couple presumably with no children? Why hasn’t she moved in with friends or family yet? These are the sort of questions I would be asking.

You’re definitely the OW. You’d have met friends or family by now if not. Dodging the person you saw in public kinda says it all too.

minmooch · 04/07/2019 12:33

HES A LIAR. HES A LIAR. HES A LIAR.

I'm not sure why you want to waste any more time on him?

Raise your bar - you should expect much more than this.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 04/07/2019 13:44

TBH it sounds like you are the other woman! Want real proof? Drop by his house and say hi!