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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the woman on the side?

115 replies

AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 11:48

So it’s a bit of a long one. I’ve been seeing this guy for around 6 months now. When we met he said he had been split from his ex for around 3 months. After a few months of seeing him and him staying at my house I pushed the topic of why he hadn’t invited me to stay at his?

After pushing the topic a few days later again, he spilled the beans and said that his ex still lives with him (he owns the house, they’re not married) and she won’t leave until he gives her money, which he is not willing to do.

Fast forward a few months later and she is still there but supposedly buying a house so she will go once she has somewhere to live. She has apparently found a place and had the offer accepted. It’s chain free but is still taking months to complete?

He won’t give over any information about her, I know she’s blonde and my height. But I don’t know her name or anything like that. He had no social media so I can’t look on that to find her and see if they’re actually still together.

I don’t want to feel like I have wasted 6 months of my life and I do really like him. I just don’t know if he’s telling the truth and how much longer I should wait it out for.

Opinions on this, and also does a chain free house ever take that long to complete?

The reason they split is because she cheated on him supposedly.

Xx

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 01/07/2019 13:23

@loobyloo1234 no, I’ve met no friends or family yet. We went away recently for his birthday to penny hill park and he bumped into someone he knew, but he didn’t say hi to them hmm x

6 months is a long time to meet no friends and family OP. Unless you live very far away from each other which you clearly don't? I think that should give you your answer

fecketyfeck21 · 01/07/2019 13:24

you say you've wasted 6 months with him, why would you want to waste any more time on him ?

someoneontheinterweb · 01/07/2019 13:24

I think you need to ask him more questions and see how he responds. I assume you know where he lives? Couldn’t you just call in one day? If you don’t know his address, ask him, and if he won’t tell you then that’s obviously a red flag. Same with if he won’t tell you her name. Ask about meeting parents, family, friends etc. 6 months might be earlyish into a relationship, but it’s not the beginning and I’d have expected to have met some other people he’s connected to by now.

user1471449295 · 01/07/2019 13:24

Yes, you are side woman

ChuckleBuckles · 01/07/2019 13:31

But now it’s been 6 months I hate to feel like I’ve wasted my time on him

So are you going to keep on seeing him, not meeting his family or friends, believe the "Once upon a time" fairytale he has been spinning you and live in hope she is not actually his wife and that no children are involved? Because that is not much of a plan for success and happiness, really. Or are you going to convince yourself that he is a "nice" guy and then act shocked when the truth tumbles out?

TeaForTheWin · 01/07/2019 13:32

I think the fact that you have to do digging yourself 6 months into something rather than just ask him and be able to get a straight answer, pretty much means this isn't going to work out well.

IceQueenCometh · 01/07/2019 13:44

You've wasted 6 months. So call it a day and don't waste another one. When he asks why tell him its because you think he's lied and that you're the OW. If he really wants to be with you he'll prove to you that you're not. If he doesn't, then you will know.

Graphista · 01/07/2019 13:46

He's not letting you go to his home

The reasons why are constantly changing to delay this

If he owned the house not with her then he could have evicted her, more likely they jointly own and he can't, even more likely they're not separated at all and that idea would be news to her!

You've not met his friends or family in fact he's actively avoiding this happening

You say he's not active on SM but have you tried looking while not logged in? Checking likely different name spellings or nicknames?

I'd say there's a very strong chance you're the OW.

Cut your losses.

"I hate to feel like I’ve wasted my time on him" don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. 6 months is nothing in the grand scheme. Stop being made a mug of.

"I know a lot about his parents and sister" you only know what he's chosen to tell you. Have you looked them up on SM? Would be pretty unusual these days if none of them are on it.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 13:52

Everyone is very right. Next time I see him I will bring it up to him that it’s odd I still haven’t met any of his friends or family. We live an hour and a half apart so I can’t exactly say I’m in the neighbourhood and pop in for a tea.

One of my friends has jokingly mentioned I shoul steak out his house.. it’s not sounding like a bad idea at this point Grin

OP posts:
NewMe2019 · 01/07/2019 13:57

It really annoys me when posters say 'yes yoy ARE the OW and they ARE still sleeping together. No, no one here actually knows that. I've been living with my STBEXH for the last 6 months. We are definitely not together and certainly not sleeping together. Similar situation with my BF. He had to live with his ex for a couple of months, they were not together or sleeping together and my best friend was in the same situation last year and was living with her ex for 8 months. It's not always easy to just move out, like posters make put on here. Sometimes it does take time.

However, the not meeting anyone, you not even knowing her name, not talking to a friend he bumped into when out, these arw the things that would make me question it.

Unburnished · 01/07/2019 13:59

Your friend has a point. If you have the time.

Also, you can find out who owns land & property from the land registry. I think its £10.

Claphands · 01/07/2019 14:05

Try putting his mobile or email through Facebook, doesn’t always work depending on his settings but if he hasn’t changed it and has a profile it’ll bring it up!

Moralitym1n1 · 01/07/2019 14:06

6 months is still early days, it's not wasted. It takes a year or two to begin to get to know someone properly.

Plus 6 months "wasted" is better than 8 months wasted or a year and a half wasted.

The lying by omission about living with his "ex", the not taking you there, not meeting family and friends, and above all avoiding someone he knows when out with you .... It's all shady as fuck.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 01/07/2019 14:50

So re her buying a house but it taking ages to go through. This could potentially be true? But then there’s the whole other mess of me having not met his parents or anyone Confused

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 01/07/2019 15:48

Unfortunately op you are looking for any glimmer of hope that he is separated.

Cut your losses, block him instantly or you will have the conversation of are you really separated - he will lie that he is.

Find a man who wants you for you and not just a different woman to shag as things have got boring with his partner.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/07/2019 15:56

Op, it could take any amount of time for his 'ex" to buy a house - from.a couple of months to yonks; but I got one don't think it's the truth.

Most people do not continue sharing a house after a breakup. One poster came on and gave examples but ime it's not common. Most breakups are too emotional and acrimonious.

Also he lied about it; if it was above board why did t he say at the beginning. Anyone straight/truthful would want to.

Plus the thing with avoiding the person he knew while out with you.

It all just looks dodgy and unlikely to be good.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/07/2019 19:56

We live an hour and a half apart

Another standard tactic I'm afraid - countless committed couples are in this position too, but for a cheater it's ideal as it reduces the chances of bumping into anyone he knows

And when you did bump into someone, what did he do? He avoided them, just as he's avoiding telling you any info which might out him

If it walks like a duck, etc, etc .....

ISmellBabies · 01/07/2019 20:05

If you know his address, just go round. Don't text first, obviously, just turn up. His reaction will tell you everything (as will his wife's, I bet)!

Unburnished · 01/07/2019 20:38

When you see each other, how do you spend your time? Do you stay in the hotel room or go out? Do you see him on birthdays/Easter/Christmas/New Year/Bank holidays and weekends or is it mainly mid-week?

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 02/07/2019 00:15

@Unburnished we see eachother some weekends and some week nights. Usually around one night a week. We stay at my house or if he has morning meetings near his home then we’ll stay in a hotel closer to his.

We leave the hotel room and go into town for dinner etc.

We spent the weekend of his birthday together recently x

OP posts:
AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 02/07/2019 00:30

I’ve been played like this but I also had to live with an ex for almost six months when we couldn’t sell our house after we split. So really could be either, but at this point I would be making it my business to know.

Original poster
AmITheGarlicBread · 02/07/2019 00:51

@allthewhores I’m due to be seeing him Sunday to go to the cinema. I’ll get the thumb screws out then x

OP posts:
Plipplopbop · 02/07/2019 07:18

There was a similar post a few months ago, but this lady had been with him a year. She did go to his house to stake it out ( which had been 'having building work' during their relationship).
His wife was completely unaware that she was separated from her husband until the OP knocked on the door. 6 months is no time, don't make it 12 before you dig.

ChristmasFluff · 02/07/2019 08:41

My ex husband and I lived together still for 9 months after splitting - not together, not sleeping together, nothing dodgy going on. But I told anyone I dated or contemplated dating - because that is the decent thing to do. It is an uncomfortable situation at best, and people have a right to know what they are getting into - and some quite reasonably don't want to get involved.

So I'd have dumped him on the spot when he finally told the truth. Whether he is still with the person or not, he's a deceptive person. I don't date deceptive people. Why do you, OP?

Your bar needs to raise.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/07/2019 09:28

My ExH and I also lived together for some time after we split up, over a year actually due to circumstances and selling the house. We were well and truly split up, nothing going on. He started dating in that time and even brought his girlfriend to the house to pick him up. I met her, had a cup of tea with her and chatted with her while he got ready. All open and above board. If your new bloke isn't willing to be open, introduce you to his friends and family, even ExGF if he's doing her a favour by staying in at his house, I'd be concerned. Defo do some more digging and questioning, openly rather than furtively. You have a right to know if you are being spun a line.