To think I should probably leave DP 😔💔

[Isbrexitoveryet]

So, DP and I have been friends for years.
He’s actually my best friends big brother, so there is lots of intertwined life, going back many years, and I do love him and all his family so dearly. I do really love him. BUT I don’t love how he makes me feel a fair amount of the time.

He can be lovely and charming, especially in front of people. But he’s also stroppy, and cross, and angry and scary.
He hasn’t worked for years, has spent all my money, got me into crippling debt, refuses to support me or help me (he gets really cross if I haven’t done his laundry for example and he doesn’t have clean clothes) I had a trip planned for three days to see my parents and sister and he threw a tantrum so I couldn’t go, he won’t come to the hospital if I need a lift for example, and he won’t come with me to the vets with dog even through really it needs two people.
He will sometimes not talk to me for days but demand money, maybe £15 a day. (He smokes 30 a day, and drinks 3-5 tins of red bull. He doesn’t want children and I desperately do, he pressured me into a termination. And I just feel so tired. We have shared finances and a dog but no children. So there are some things I would neeed to sort. I am worried if I leave he will become homeless or kill himself. I feel so responsible, but I am so tired. I can’t keep on top of a big 3 bed house, work 55 hours a week in the NHS, cook all his meals, walk the dog for 3 hours a day, constantly have cash on tap, not be late ever, he wants me to do so much and I can’t keep up. I feel like I can’t breathe for trying to second guess and stop him from being cross. He hasn’t ever shown me any physical violence although he has punched and threatened to kill our dog.
I have been pretending I live such a perfect life, I have been lying to myself and everyone around me, I pretend that we are living the dream in our little cottage by the sea, but I am slowly breaking. I don’t really know what I want from this post. But I can’t keep hiding this. I really can’t. Can I do anything to help him. I’m trying so hard. I just don’t know what I can do anymore. 😔

Oh come on, OP. You have a million reasons to leave and not one to stay. How can you pretend you are living the dream with a man who's punched and threatened to kill your dog?

Let's be practical. Whose name is on the mortgage/rental agreement?

You do know what to do. This is no way to live.

He sounds absolutely dreadful.
I think you deserve a second chance at life.

Are you married? What are your living arrangements?

Definitely get out of that relationship!

Punched your dog? Are you for real?You stayed with a scumbag that abuses your dog? I’m disgusted.

I’m so sorry. Have you tried talking to him and setting some boundaries in your relationship, like sharing household chores etc. He doesn’t sound supportive and based just on the post you may need to separate/leave to put yourself first.

Stroppy, cross, scary you said. I'll add financially & emotionally abusive. At the very least. Get away from this man as soon as you can

Oh OP. Please leave him.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship prior to this. He’s not like that, but it’s not great. He never really leaves the house. He’s convinced he can change our lives and become a professional gambler.
I think he’s very mentally unwell to be honest.
Everything is in bloody joint names
Except his fucking payday loan which I was fed up of paying 304562% interest on so I chucked on my credit card I know I am a moron!

I feel so guilty leaving, he’s got no qualifications no money no where to stay he hasn’t worked in years, what if something awful happened 😩

Leave this fucker.

Something awful HAS happened. To you.

Leave him and do not feel guilty.

The fact that you would feel guilty leaving him is proof he has conditioned you to bury all of your own needs for his sake. You have a heightened awareness of his needs while you sublimate your own.

You owe him nothing and if he makes you feel you do, that is abuse

Please put your needs first.

I feel so guilty leaving, he’s got no qualifications no money no where to stay he hasn’t worked in years, what if something awful happened

That is not your problem, those are all things he has chosen not to do, he is not a child, he is a fully grown man, you are providing pocket money for and getting nothing back in return.

LTB

Have you got real life support OP? Is there someone who can be there when you kick him out? He's dominating you by fear and may escalate if he feels that his easy life and hold of you are coming to an end. Could a friend look after the dog for safety until things have settled. Animal cruelty is horrific and your dog shouldn't be subjected to that. I'm sure you know all this and it can be so hard to leave but you will feel like a weight has lifted. You dont need this idiot weighing you down. Also he's an adult so if he's homeless this is consequence of his actions and he'll need to seek the right support. Equally if he's suicidal (and not just saying it to control you) then there are support services available. Stop pretending you have a perfect life and covering for him. Starting talking to the people who love you so that they can support you.

👏👏 agree 100% with katisha

Something awful has happened OP. It's lying on your sofa pissing your money away gambling. Run for the hills now BEFORE IT GETS ANY WORSE (and yes I was shouting that)

Nothing awful will happen if you leave.
I'm sure he'd like you to believe it could, but that is just another way of controlling you.
So, he hasn't worked? Good, he'll be nice and rested ready to enter the workforce like other adults do.

Oh op, this is so sad. You are in the right place for support but you know you must do the hardest thing yourself and get rid of him. When I ended things with my ex, I feared homelessness and suicide for him, but you know what? Two years on he's still alive, with a roof over his head, and I am too. Living at my own pleasure and more importantly, I'm in control, and I'm finally in peace. All the best. I do understand.

Oh God. This is awful. He genuinely isn't your responsibility. You need to get out, because nothing is going to change.

So long as he can keep bullying you into doing what he wants he will keep doing it. Hes getting what he wants so why would he change? He doesn't care about you. At all. He will never be responsible for himself while he can force you into carrying the load and feeling responsible for his wellbeing. He needs to be responsible for himself. For this to happen you need to leave.

And find out, with professional help, why you are neglecting your own needs in favour of this horrible, vicious man, even staying with him though he's violent to a pet. Why do you do this to yourself and the poor animal?

You can't help someone who doesn't want help or want to change anything. He is in a great set up - money and housework and a girlfriend on tap he can bully around, a vision to present to the world, without having to do anything. The person you've described... that's not really a partner is it? He sounds nasty. Even if he isn't as nasty your previous relationship (don't use that as a bar).

You are not responsible for him. He's an adult. You're not happy, you've tried, he won't, don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. Don't feel it's a failure or loss of face. It's ok to say it's not working any more (and hasn't been).

Start taking steps to disentangle yourself financially. And make sure you look after no.1 (clue, not him). Don't let your pity or misplaced sense of obligation stop you doing what is right for you.

If anyone punched my dog I'd kill them with my bare hands.

Stop being a doormat and wake up to the fact you're in a relationship with a despicable bully. For every person behaving this badly, there is a person enabling them to.

Only you can change this. Tell your parents what's happening and ask for help.

Leaving us aside, what does your best friend think about it? His sister ?

How long is left to run on the things that are in joint names?

Thank you so much everyone, there’s a lady at work who knows a little of what’s going on. I think I am going to tell her. ❤️ I’m so tired of all of it, it’s exhausting. I just need the little bit of energy for the end.