To think I should probably leave DP 😔💔

[Isbrexitoveryet]

So, DP and I have been friends for years.
He’s actually my best friends big brother, so there is lots of intertwined life, going back many years, and I do love him and all his family so dearly. I do really love him. BUT I don’t love how he makes me feel a fair amount of the time.

He can be lovely and charming, especially in front of people. But he’s also stroppy, and cross, and angry and scary.
He hasn’t worked for years, has spent all my money, got me into crippling debt, refuses to support me or help me (he gets really cross if I haven’t done his laundry for example and he doesn’t have clean clothes) I had a trip planned for three days to see my parents and sister and he threw a tantrum so I couldn’t go, he won’t come to the hospital if I need a lift for example, and he won’t come with me to the vets with dog even through really it needs two people.
He will sometimes not talk to me for days but demand money, maybe £15 a day. (He smokes 30 a day, and drinks 3-5 tins of red bull. He doesn’t want children and I desperately do, he pressured me into a termination. And I just feel so tired. We have shared finances and a dog but no children. So there are some things I would neeed to sort. I am worried if I leave he will become homeless or kill himself. I feel so responsible, but I am so tired. I can’t keep on top of a big 3 bed house, work 55 hours a week in the NHS, cook all his meals, walk the dog for 3 hours a day, constantly have cash on tap, not be late ever, he wants me to do so much and I can’t keep up. I feel like I can’t breathe for trying to second guess and stop him from being cross. He hasn’t ever shown me any physical violence although he has punched and threatened to kill our dog.
I have been pretending I live such a perfect life, I have been lying to myself and everyone around me, I pretend that we are living the dream in our little cottage by the sea, but I am slowly breaking. I don’t really know what I want from this post. But I can’t keep hiding this. I really can’t. Can I do anything to help him. I’m trying so hard. I just don’t know what I can do anymore. 😔

You have a pet dog
You have a pet partner
It sounds like the dog is better mannered than your partner & is probably better behaved & loves you more !

Hard to hear

You are putting up with someone who contributes zero

Kick him out !

Come on op. I know it sounds cliche, but you only get one life. This is no way to live it.

Do the freedom program, get your finances sorted and make an exit plan ASAP. I know he hasn’t physically hit you, but he’s been violent to your dog and he’s emotionally abusive. He could escalate.

He contributes nothing anyway so you can do this without him.

Just leave

Thank fuck you don't have children, is all I can say.

OK, that sounds really harsh, but it would make your life even harder and would be terrible for them, so it's just as well all round they don't exist. Maybe when you're out of this apology for a relationship you may find someone decent to father them and then your nurturing instincts can be put to good use. They're wasted on an arse right now.

Hi everyone
Thank you so much. You’ve all been so kind. Me and Ddog are now at my friends house. I drove here almost immediately after the dish nonsense- bought pet food on the drive over. We’ve been out to supper, I’ve told her everything and I am spending the night. She (and her lovely family) are all behind me. And I’m currently having a front room sweetie picnic with her and her DC’s on of whom turned 8 on Wednesday so we are having a little party.
Her other Dc is out in the garden train DDOG for crufts 2020

I don’t know what the fuck i am doing, I probably will talk to DP again. I know we won’t be in a relationship long term, but perhaps supporting Him to sort out his mh etc will help.
But for tonight I am just going to try and forget it, and have fun with people who love me

Ddog now doesn’t leave me as she comes to work, so that is ok.

I’m not thinking straight anymore, I feel like I’ve run a marathon

Thank you all 💖 you’re amazing, thank you for listening when l needed it. The more people who know I’m lying about my perfect life the harder it is to lie to myself. Thank you

Please stay gone OP
You're worth so much more
Xx

Well done OP - i guarantee he will be sorry, promise to change and then turn angry if you don’t respond quickly to his attempts to win you back. He will probably say he will kill himself. He won’t change - he’s another pathetic excuse for a man. You do not treat someone you love like this.
I’m pleased you told your friend. I’d stay away for a week.
He is ruining your life - he’s a leech - get a bloody job - he has views about women that aren’t healthy.
Contact womens aid for input, read Lundy Bancroft - why does hr do that - talk to your GP and your friends and family.

Do you really think it’s mental illness - please note - does he behave like this in front of anyone else - if the answer is no - then it isn’t mental illness and he is abusive.
Keep posting for support.
Enjoy your freedom. I do.🌺

Well done, OP.

But, I know we won’t be in a relationship long term, but perhaps supporting Him to sort out his mh etc will help.

Concentrate on your own mental health. He's not been concerned about that over the years, has he?

And just out of sheer nosiness, what's told do you have in the NHS that lets you take your dog to work?

Who gives a damn if he becomes homeless or kills himself. He treats you like utter shit. with complete contempt and like his personal servant.
Anything that happens to him he has brought upon himself.
For gods sake leave him now with no guilt he is a complete and utter waste of space.
I very much doubt he will do anything, he will simply fimnd anther servant to look after him when you have gone.

Him not wanting DC when you do is reason enough to call time without all the abuse!

You're so brave to leave like that. I'm proud of you. That must have been really really hard and I can imagine you feel you've just jumped out of a plane without a parachute.

Keep going op. You are going to be ok.

@readitandwept
Literally the best job in the world. I work i mental health, and do a mix of community vocational rehabilitation and ward work (mainly the former, where I am in an office base and driving to patients Houses or seeing them downstairs in a clinic), but Ddog was pets as therapy trained and I volunteered with her beforehand. Most of our patients love dogs but everyone in our office adores Ddog too so she comes out with me or hangs out either in her crate sleeping and snacking or pootling about for strokes and crumbs if I can’t bring her with me!! People quite often take her for walks in their breaks.
I’m very lucky to have such great management and colleagues.

Don't try to support him with his MH. He'll just use that to get you to stay for longer. You aren't responsible for him and from the sounds of it, you can't help him anyway.

Aw, that's so lovely. Especially other people taking her for walks. Lucky DDog and lucky them!

I could have written that exact post 4 years ago. Except mine had a problem with weed, didn't work, but still needed £25 a day for it from me. I was left with a lot of debt from him as well. I left with no contact with him and I paid it all back myself, it was a small price to pay to be rid of him to be honest. Please stay away, trust me I know how hard it is. You dont owe him anything or any help, I promise you a clean break is what you need, he will suck you back in and make you feel sorry for him. Of course you care for him and dont want anything to happen to him or him to do anything silly but he's not your responsibility, please don't make him pressure you into thinking he is and staying. Perhaps you could inform someone you both know (maybe a friend of his?) that you have left and they may check in on him. If you want any advice please do message me, stay away and rebuild your life in 6 months you will be so much happier! I promise you if I can do it then so can you

@rvby I feel drunk. Like what the hell am I doing?! 🤭
But hey ho. One step at a time. I need to make a plan

It’s looking like that might be going back for a few days with my mum, friend and colleague knowing everything and watching over me like a fledgling bird. So I can try and cut myself out of some of his loans etc and I think that his name is actually for Ddog at the vets you know so I need to change that and speak to my lovely landlord.
I don’t want to arouse suspicion until I can just clean go, without all the raggedy ends if you know what I mean.
I don’t know. I’m going to have a glass of wine. Friends DH has judg come in with some new pjs from sainos for me, I actually cried. I’m meant to be getting ready for bed, they’ll be wondering where I am. I do have lovely friends

@StinkinDrink I would love to message you tomorrow - if that’s ok?
Thank you

I know we won’t be in a relationship long term, but perhaps supporting Him to sort out his mh etc will help

You have enough on your plate with trying to get rid of him. (I very much doubt he will go quickly) and sorting your own life out let alone trying to fix his mental health.

As someone said upthread if he only acts like this with you then it isn’t his mental health

You are giving him £15 a day/£105

An non working adult receives £73 a week & he will need to pay bills & buy food, toiletries

STOP giving him money. He is not a child

If he has health issues, he should be claiming poor health benefits

You cannot rescue him

You deserve better

Not being facetious here but how the hell do you have such entangled / joint finances with someone who has no money?

And why would people think you are living such a good life when you have a partner who doesn't work???

@crunchymum not facetious at all.
He had a trade when we first met, and actually had money. It hasn’t always been like this - but we have a joint account joint telephone contracts (I think actually both under his name coming from the joint cos you got a better deal having two on the same) attached a credit card to joint account, want to stop my wages and dds going in and out of any Accts he has access too.
He’s had bit jobs and is well known as a lovely chap in our community

I’m also lying to everyone and myself - he’s been off a year, but got made redundant from the trade a year. While he was doing bit jobs it was easy to fake he was working even if only 8 hours a week. But now I have told everyone he’s studying for GCSE.
But yeah essentially I span a web of lies to make me feel better and to hide shit

So basically everything is still joint from the pre waster years.

Well done OP that's amazing 👏👏

Telling people IRL is a huge step. Try as hard as you can not to continue to feel any responsibility for his MH. Yours is what matters.

I know it won't be easy. But you've taken a huge first step.

The only adult you are responsible for is you. You're not responsible for him, and the only person that can change him is him. He doesn't need your support.

if he has family surely you don't need to worry about him, his family are responsible, not you.