To think I should probably leave DP 😔💔

[Isbrexitoveryet]

So, DP and I have been friends for years.
He’s actually my best friends big brother, so there is lots of intertwined life, going back many years, and I do love him and all his family so dearly. I do really love him. BUT I don’t love how he makes me feel a fair amount of the time.

He can be lovely and charming, especially in front of people. But he’s also stroppy, and cross, and angry and scary.
He hasn’t worked for years, has spent all my money, got me into crippling debt, refuses to support me or help me (he gets really cross if I haven’t done his laundry for example and he doesn’t have clean clothes) I had a trip planned for three days to see my parents and sister and he threw a tantrum so I couldn’t go, he won’t come to the hospital if I need a lift for example, and he won’t come with me to the vets with dog even through really it needs two people.
He will sometimes not talk to me for days but demand money, maybe £15 a day. (He smokes 30 a day, and drinks 3-5 tins of red bull. He doesn’t want children and I desperately do, he pressured me into a termination. And I just feel so tired. We have shared finances and a dog but no children. So there are some things I would neeed to sort. I am worried if I leave he will become homeless or kill himself. I feel so responsible, but I am so tired. I can’t keep on top of a big 3 bed house, work 55 hours a week in the NHS, cook all his meals, walk the dog for 3 hours a day, constantly have cash on tap, not be late ever, he wants me to do so much and I can’t keep up. I feel like I can’t breathe for trying to second guess and stop him from being cross. He hasn’t ever shown me any physical violence although he has punched and threatened to kill our dog.
I have been pretending I live such a perfect life, I have been lying to myself and everyone around me, I pretend that we are living the dream in our little cottage by the sea, but I am slowly breaking. I don’t really know what I want from this post. But I can’t keep hiding this. I really can’t. Can I do anything to help him. I’m trying so hard. I just don’t know what I can do anymore. 😔

Isbrexitoveryet, don't go on living a lie. Break up with him, please. He's got it made but you can do better. Get your finances in order so you know where you stand; stop giving him money. Issue an ultimatum - either he goes or you go.

he's got no qualifications no money nowhere to stay he hasn't worked in years

These things are not your responsibility. He is an adult and most be responsible for himself. The longer you stay the deeper in debt you will become as he is abusing you financially as well as emotionally. he is charming in front of others but a controlling bully in private. He is using you.

He has punched & threatened your dog. He is not a good person.

Run for the hills before he decides to peruse his career as a “professional gambler” with your money. He brings nothing to your life but misery and punching and threatening to kill a dog is disgusting. If he can do that to an animal I would suspect he could happily do it to a child or you. Don’t waste anymore time with the leech

Anyone threatening to be violent towards my dogs would not last a second. And don't worry, scum like that won't kill themselves and someone like that would not be a massive loss!

Sadly this man wont change. Hes controlling you and hes manipulating you and that is why you feel the way you do as in "hes not well, he has no where to go' etc.. These men make you feel like you cant leave..
Please build up the courage to leave and get back your self esteem before you go into another relationship..

you sound so really lovely and you deserve a man that treats you In a really lovely way..
That man is out there waiting for you... good luck

Get the dog to a safe place before you leave.

I just have to give you some virtual flowers 💐
You know you have to leave him, your just existing not living your life!
I hope you manage to take your dear dog and get away from this man.
Just imagine you could be coming home from work and putting your feet up ordering yourself a nice Chinese.
Think about a future where you will be safe and relaxed.
He can get fucked. You owe him nothing.

You're in an extremely abusive relationship now. Just cos it's not as bad as the last one, it's still pretty bad. Poor dog.

Can you talk to your best friend? He is her brother and she must know what he is like if she grew up with him. They must know he doesn't work too? Tell her about his behaviour and debts and that you refuse to support the lazy bastard any longer.

If you are renting, find yourself a house share or similar and tell your landlord you are giving notice and that partner can continue to live there and pay bills himself or move out. Not your problem.

Make sure you split finances/bills asap so that every company knows you are moving out and his future debts are not your problem.

I wish you hadn't paid his loan off, you made it your problem instead of his.

Thank you so much. That would be so helpful I think to talk to his dsis, and his DM. (Who I work with EO Friday, and who is lovely!)
I just feel I will lose my friend too if I leave, and she is a massive part of my support network so that will be so hard 😩

i think you need to tell her the truth - but maybe angle it from the "i'm really concerned about x, this is the full truth and that is why i'm worried, and by the way it also has me at breaking point and I can't carry on with this any longer.

This is a sorry, sorry excuse for a life, OP. Where's your respect for yourself? This man doesn't love you. He loves what you can do for him.

And your poor, poor dog. They are the most loyal and loving of creatures. I cannot fathom breathing the same air as someone who would punch one. He is beyond awful.

Get yourself away from him and if you think your dog is at risk, get it to the RSPCA or somewhere and tell him it ran away.

Absolute scumbag.

He’s just told me we need a new roasting dish
I asked metal or ceramic
I’m a “stupid dickhead” and an “arshole” And he’s not talking to me because I make things so unbearAble 😩

Hmm. You want to explain to his Mum why you cannot carry on being a surrogate mother to her son? Do you think she will be angry with you for refusing to carry on parenting her adult toddler?

Do you REALLY think she looks at your relationship with her fucked up son and feels anything other than complete gratitude that some poor sucker actually puts up with him?

If she truly was you friend she would have told you to dump him years ago. She would have helped and supported you to get rid of him.

Don’t feel guilty, he doesn’t.

Please put your dog on the lead and walk away.
It doesn’t matter about joint names , I’m going thru a divorce, all of that can be sorted out.
It’s nobody else’s business, and I mean NOBODY, not even your best friend what you have to do to save yourself for this. If she’s a best friend I’m sure she knows what her brother is like and will still be there for you.
It took years for me to summon up the courage to leave, please don’t waste anymore of your life on someone who doesn’t care.
Sending love 💕 and prayers x

If you lose your friend because her brother is an emotional and financially abusive gobshite then she is no friend.

I echo the other replies. Leave him. He is not your responsibility & he needs to take ownership of his life.

How old are you both anyway...?

He's a leech! So what if he was left with nothing? He thinks it's okay to drain you from money and the lazy ass hasn't bothered to get a job but treats you like shit. Fuck him.

WTAF He punched your dog and you are on MN expressing concerns about his welfare....fuck that why haven't you taken the dog and left already. I just don't understand what's wrong with people.

The only good thing you posted about your relationship is that you don't have children together.

I echo what everyone else has said, get away now, and don't look back.

Can I ask how old you are? You could still have children with someone else. Don't think he is your only chance.

He sounds like a right prick tbh. I'd be leaving if I were you.

Please leave
Untangle financial things if you can.Do you rent or own the house?Would you leave or get him to go?
Stop giving him money,doing his laundry,cooking,being on time(unless that would put you in danger),that will reduce your load .
Can you get away for a week somewhere,family,friends so that you can think clearly?

Be prepared to lose the support of his family when you leave him. Look for support elsewhere.

He pressured you into aborting a much wanted child because he wants to be the dependent in the relationship. It's probably why he punched the dog and threatens to kill him/her.

You will do much better without him. Don't worry about what happens to him. You worry because you're a good person and he is not. He doesn't deserve a nice life.

I divorced my first husband 40 years and he moved back in with his family. He wanted to become a gangster and once on his own he succeeded until the long arm of the law caught up with him. Although he had a degree he wouldn't do honest work and has got himself into a lot of trouble in the last 40 years. He still calls and tells me his problems, well, he calls on the landline and I recently stopped picking up when I see it's from him because I cannot stand his incoherent drug/alcohol ramblings anymore. I have kept in touch with his brother though.

I believe your DP will fail miserably when he's left to his own devices and will become his family's problem.

Don't be in a hurry to get another man in your life. Live alone for awhile and discover who you are first. It's a lot fun.

Leave leave leave

Domestic abuse isn’t just getting slapped.

He is a shitbag and he is ruining your life. Your one and only life. Please get the hell away from him. I doubt if you will lose a friend, it's more likely he will lose a sister.