To think I should probably leave DP 😔💔

[Isbrexitoveryet]

So, DP and I have been friends for years.
He’s actually my best friends big brother, so there is lots of intertwined life, going back many years, and I do love him and all his family so dearly. I do really love him. BUT I don’t love how he makes me feel a fair amount of the time.

He can be lovely and charming, especially in front of people. But he’s also stroppy, and cross, and angry and scary.
He hasn’t worked for years, has spent all my money, got me into crippling debt, refuses to support me or help me (he gets really cross if I haven’t done his laundry for example and he doesn’t have clean clothes) I had a trip planned for three days to see my parents and sister and he threw a tantrum so I couldn’t go, he won’t come to the hospital if I need a lift for example, and he won’t come with me to the vets with dog even through really it needs two people.
He will sometimes not talk to me for days but demand money, maybe £15 a day. (He smokes 30 a day, and drinks 3-5 tins of red bull. He doesn’t want children and I desperately do, he pressured me into a termination. And I just feel so tired. We have shared finances and a dog but no children. So there are some things I would neeed to sort. I am worried if I leave he will become homeless or kill himself. I feel so responsible, but I am so tired. I can’t keep on top of a big 3 bed house, work 55 hours a week in the NHS, cook all his meals, walk the dog for 3 hours a day, constantly have cash on tap, not be late ever, he wants me to do so much and I can’t keep up. I feel like I can’t breathe for trying to second guess and stop him from being cross. He hasn’t ever shown me any physical violence although he has punched and threatened to kill our dog.
I have been pretending I live such a perfect life, I have been lying to myself and everyone around me, I pretend that we are living the dream in our little cottage by the sea, but I am slowly breaking. I don’t really know what I want from this post. But I can’t keep hiding this. I really can’t. Can I do anything to help him. I’m trying so hard. I just don’t know what I can do anymore. 😔

Please stay strong. Don't move back in. He will use every trick in the book to stop you from leaving.

Make this the first day of the rest of your life.

OP you cant help him - trust me - he needs to do it himself.He will hurt you evenmore in the long run

is the house in joint names? bought or rented?

one of you needs to go - ideally him. Get your ducks in a row asap

also- if i were you i would never leave the dog anywhere near him - even at night - if he finds out your over and already punched your dog, i dread to think what he will do to really hurt you

OP I’m sorry this has happened to you. You say you were in a really abusive relationship before .... it’s not a competition .... this relationship is also abusive. You need to leave ...there’s no other response really. Please do

I feel so guilty leaving, he’s got no qualifications no money no where to stay he hasn’t worked in years

All his choices and not your fucking problem..

Youve tiptoed around this entitled bully for too long.

Time to grow a pair OP.

Please contact Women's Aid - they have great advice on how to manage the practicalities of leaving. They also understand how difficult this can be emotionally and can provide so much support.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

but perhaps supporting Him to sort out his mh etc will help

Not a good idea OP, he will use this as opportunity to make you feel guilty until his feet are under the table and he can resume emotional punchbag mode.

This needs a clean break, you owe this abusive arsehole nothing.

I probably will talk to DP again. I know we won’t be in a relationship long term, but perhaps supporting Him to sort out his mh etc will help.

It certainly won't help you. Your job now is to do what is best for you and for the dog. He's bled you dry for long enough - and it will never be enough. Nothing you could ever do would solve his problems.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship prior to this.
You're in another one now. You've fallen into the classic trap of thinking if he's not hitting you, it's not a bad relationship. It really, really is.

Stay away, and do try to make sure you have support that isn't tied to his family.

I know we won’t be in a relationship long term, but perhaps supporting Him to sort out his mh etc will help

You work in mental health, you don't have to make it your personal life too. You should know better on how this affects the family.
Get your finances seperated ASAP monday morning before he wipes you out.
He's a big boy he can sort himself out, you aren't supposed to be rescuing him.

Take your dog and leave. You will feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

He is a grown man and not your responsibility! Xxxx

Wow I thought he was an asshole and then you said he punched your dog... if he lets himself become homeless that's his problem he's irredeemable.

You talk about your perceived responsibility for him like he is your son. He's not. At all. Number one thing is to shift that mind set and free your self of those chains of guilt and fear you have wrapped yourself up in.
You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Anything. Regarding. Him.

You are responsible for yourself, and for your dog. No more.

He ain't it!

If he had punched my dog I would have drop kicked him straight out of the front door!
How people treat animals is a good indicator of whether they are an arsehole or not

Fuck me. What a miserable, sad sorry pathetic excuse for a man. I'm going to read the updates in a sec and I hope you say you've left him. Or are in the or process of.

Don't live like this. You don't deserve it. Nobody deserves it.

He punched your dog? I'm sickened. If my DP punched my dog, at worst I'd be in a prison cell. At best, he would be. Only sick cunts hurt something defenceless that doesn't understand. And you want a baby with him? Christ.

"I feel so guilty leaving, he’s got no qualifications no money no where to stay he hasn’t worked in years,"

Sorry, I fail to see how this is your problem. He made his bed, let him lie in it.

You're not his mother. You're not responsible for him. Speaking of which, he's got family hasn't he? Let them sort it.

I need to calm down. This has made me angry on your behalf.

You should be angry you're treated this way.

I'm glad to have read the updates.

I'm still angry at him for you though.

I'm pleased DDog goes to work with you. Sounds lovely.

Have a good weekend x

If anyone punched my dog I'd kill them with my bare hands.

Stop being a doormat and wake up to the fact you're in a relationship with a despicable bully. For every person behaving this badly, there is a person enabling them to.

Only you can change this. Tell your parents what's happening and ask for help.

THIS^^

I'm so glad you are starting to think about the future. It is scary but definitely do-able.

He has trained you. He's done it the same way as you train a dog, by being nice when you do what he wants, and removing attention when you don't. Just because he's not as bad as you were previously used to, you've justified that as being 'a decent guy'.

But now it sounds as though you are starting to admit to yourself and to other people that you've been keeping up a front. Good. Keep talking, keep telling everyone how bad it REALLY was. Then, if you weaken, they can feed it back to you and remind you.

This man is awful. You may have been too close to see just how awful. But I guarantee that there is life on the other side.

What do you think he's doing to the dog while your at work?! You need to leave, I think you know that really.. It will be difficult given your entwined relationship with his family but he is dangerous to you both physically and mentally.

*and financially!!

You're doing well but you need to knock the parenting role/helping him with his mental health idea on the head. If he has any inkling you're preparing him for life without you, the statistics show it is quite likely he will kill your dog.

He should be arrested for hurting your dog. Why are you allowing this to continue?

Please open your own bank and credit card accounts and then transfer your funds from joint accounts into them. Then close or freeze (if the bank won't let you close the accounts without his permission) so that he cannot use them to run up further debt in your name. With his track record, he won't have any problems with running up more debt.

Thank goodness you rent and don't own the house. You can give the landlord notice and move out. It is then up to dp to find somewhere to go himself. I know that is simplistic and dividing belongings could be problematic but at least you do t have to market a property.

You are not responsible for his mental health and for supporting him in the future. As a previous poster has said, he will then just continue to use your support as a way to continue contact and try to reel you back in and continue his abuse. He needs to stand on his own two feet. He is an adult and responsible for his own life and mental health.

Good luck OP!

I'm sorry you are going through this OP! Leaving is easier said than done, especially when we are guilt ridden. But you honestly arent responsible for this man. And when you said you had been in an abusive relationship before, its just repeating old patterns we all do it. Think you need to spend some time healing yourself, cut ties with toxic relationships. You deserve better and you cant move forward with your life when he is still stuck in his crappy ways bringing you down, you cant build a new house with old bricks, cut him off! He sounds quite manipulative and people like that don't change. Different situation but I've just cut ties with my narcasstic mum and with it came a lot of guilt/negative emotions but for my mental wellbeing it was worth it so honestly be strong and tell him where to get off. X

what peoniesarepink said.

and it doesn't matter what your best friend thinks or his sister, in fact it wouldn't surprise me if for whatever reason they don't want the status quo to change.

For gods sake, get out, sell the house, cut your losses and learn to be happy on your own until you can choose human beings, and not leeches, as partners.

At this point in time, you need to look after number one, which is yourself
You need to be selfish
Spend time looking after yourself