Brave babes are still here: sping / summer / autumn / winter There is always someone around

[venusandmars]

This topic had being going for years and years and years. Maybe almost as long as some people have been struggling with drinking.

We are still here. Supporting, encouraging, helping. Never judging, never minimising our problems.

If you want to catch up, our last thread is HERE

And if you want to follow everything from the start, the very first thread from 9 years ago is RIGHT HERE

You can join in anytime. Everyone is welcome. Whether you are trying to cut down, abstain completely , or are simply acknowledging that you might have a problem... Post what you want.

Hope everyone has good plans for bank holiday weekend (not a holiday here in Scotland). The weather's going to be hot, so what could be better than a fridge full of ice cold tonic, or soda with fresh lime, or a jug of peppermint tea (make it warm then chill it with fresh mint leaves and cucumber). All cooling, refreshing and hydrating.

Certainly not a gassy beer, or a warm sticky wine, a red sweaty face. And horrors of a hangover in the heat... yuk! Stay sober, enjoy the cool of the evening breeze when others are slurring and slumped, and then make the most of the early morning feeling fresh and vibrant before the day gets too warm.

Thanks, Venusfor the delicious-sounding AF ideas (tho’ I am currently on a train after a hike and parched - now tantalised by the thought of chilled mint tea! )

Another lonely Friday night, another bottle of wine...

On the positive side... I've gone nearly a week without drinking; I joined a book group; I found Tesco's do a wider range of low alcohol wine than sainsbury's

On the downside... I've just opened the 2nd bottle of (low-alcohol) wine; the book I had to read was rubbish; my colleagues went for lunch without me again and I feel gutted.

I reckon that although I haven't been drunk & disorderly (at work) for many years now, somehow its still in my character - they can tell, and that's why they're avoiding me. Or somehow word has got around from ex-colleagues.

Good progress alias the book group, less drink, lower alcohol. I'm in a writing group, and it's great because it's never about sitting in the pub drinking. I don't think they will ever be my mates but as I walk around our local town I now know people to say 'hello' to as I pass, and that makes me feel just a little like I belong....

Hi all - just checking back in! Thanks for the various replies - I’m still undecided as to whether I’m going to go down the abstinence route, or moderation route. I totally understand what PP have said re: cannot be just one; I think I’m going to play it by ear and cross the bridge when I come to it. My husband and I have just returned from a night away in London and I didn’t find it difficult to continue as alcohol free, even when we went to a steak restaurant for diner where red wine was inevitably flowing! Was able to get up early this morning and head out to start our day - right now I’m enjoying the non-hungover mornings too much to go back to drinking as I was.

Definitely shaping up to be a quiet bank holiday - I’ve already decided to spend some time looking at some weekends away for DH and I for next year - distraction seems to work for me.

Oh venus you had me drooling at your description of the iced mint tea! Love all your AF ideas.

Alias hang in there, all progress is good progress. Just remember it is a process (as it is for me too) and some days will be better than others. Just keep working on it. Change may not be obvious straight away. I don't like the sound of your co-workers, though. Exclusion is a form of bullying and it is damaging to the one on the receiving end of it. Is a fresh start at a new job out of the question?

As for me.....

It has been quite a busy time socially, and while I feel that I have generally been quite modest with my drinking, the drinking app suggested otherwise with my 7 day average hitting over 30 units at one point. A couple of drinks here and there- it just all added up. I was still within my "rules" of 2 AF days per week etc, but once I hit the 30 unit mark, the shutters came down and I abstained completely until the numbers were back to where they should be (around mid 20's currently but coming down as the 7 day average rolls on).

No bank holiday down in this part of the world, but the very earliest signs of spring with the Magnolias starting to bloom :)
For any Aussie lurkers out there, Uncle Dan has a Marlborough sav blanc that is lower in alcohol called Rata. Not a bad drop and reasonably priced.

I am back home after the festival and am now 31 days AF. I wasn't tempted to drink at all during the festival and I woke up in my tent every morning feeling pretty good. The only slight downside is that I felt really cold on the first night, and had I been drinking I know that I would have slept like the dead. But of course I would have woken up feeling awful. The best thing is that I can remember all the acts and I was able to get up early this morning, pack my stuff away and drive home before the roads got busy. I am hoping to go to an AA meeting tonight, unless it is cancelled due to the bank holiday. At my last meeting I was advised to get a sponsor, but I'm not entirely sure how to go about it so I will ask someone about it tonight.

venusandmars I love your list of AF drinks. I drink soda water and lime if I am in a bar, and at home it is either diet coke or Robinsons mint and lime cordial topped up with sparkling water.

Thanks venus I know you're right that I've just got to keep trying to get out there and be sociable. It's so hard though when my natural instinct is to hide at home with a glass of wine and Netflix... over the years I've gradually become more withdrawn - at first I was just an introvert, but the last few years I've turned into an antisocial loner!

marlu am really not keen on a new job ~ ironically, the last 6 months I've enjoyed work more than ever before because this new colleague is such fun and has been drawing me out of my shell! But I think they are a social butterfly, and it doesn't occur to them that people could feel left out. I don't have the courage to invite myself.

So you're in Australia, but you're coming back to Blighty? Are you looking forward to returning?

Quick question from me about AA. I have been going to meetings now for about 4 weeks, averaging three meetings a week. I have been told a couple of times y men at the meetings to get a sponsor, but no-one has told me how to go about it. I did mention that I didn't know how to do it, and I was told to choose someone who I liked. I think I have to choose a member of the same sex, and I imagine they have to have done the 12 steps themselves. The trouble is I do not know who has done the steps, and although the meetings are well attended, I often don't see the same women there from week to week, and they tend not to chat so I can't say that I have bonded with them. Has anyone been through AA and got themselves a sponsor? It all seems a bit of a mystery to me at the moment. And as an introvert I am finding it difficult to go up to a complete stranger and ask them to sponsor me.

Hi Lilyrose. No personal experience of AA but I’m sure another Babe will be able to help. An on-line search gave me loads on how to choose a sponsor/qualities to look for, but not how to find one! I think the general idea is it’s someone who is further on in their sobriety and who can support you in yours. Good luck!

LilyRose I think the main purpose of having a sponsor is so that you don't feel alone. It should be someone who can hold you (gently) accountable, someone who notices if you stop turning up for meetings, someone who can support you if the demon drink is luring you.

We can do some of that, but there is no substitute for a good real life person who supports you.

However, (imo) this should be a really skilled role, and in particular if you decide to follow the 12 steps. I think it is really, really important that you find the right person for this, someone who can coach and counsel (not direct or lecture). So don't race into it.

Other people can not tell you what to do, only you know what works for you. You are doing great. You are attending meetings. Keep on, keeping on, just as you are. I'm sure the right sponsor will emerge for you.

venusandmars and craftcorvid thank you for your posts. As I don't know many people in AA yet I am not sure who has the best qualities or even who has been sober for a long time. At the meetings the men seem to talk more than the women so I'm not really getting any hints as to who would have the qualities of a good sponsor. I am nervous about jumping in and choosing a sponsor at random just because I have been told to do so. Looking at the 12 steps I can see that some of it, especially Step 5 (making a written inventory of all our wrongs), is going to be pretty tough and I want to make sure I do it with someone who is going to be supportive.

I will keep going to meetings and hopefully someone will either offer to be my sponsor or suggest someone. I am not in such a bad state as many of the members were when they first joined AA, as I have never drunk daily or needed to go into rehab, so I am hoping that going to meetings every week will keep me on track. I don't feel the need to have someone to be accountable to at the moment. I suspect that I am in the honeymoon period of sobriety and may need more help 6 months or so down the line.

I have read that AA recommends that if you are single, you stop dating for at least the first year of your recovery. I am currently doing online dating and whilst I don't want to stop dating completely, I have noticed that I am less focused on meeting someone. I have amended my profile to say that I don't drink. Funnily enough, someone I went on a few dates with two years ago and parted with amicably as we just didn't click, contacted me after seeing my updated dating profile. He said he thought I had made a mistake in my profile as it said that I don't drink. I confirmed that I no longer drink and he sent me lots of ROFL emojis. That gave me the confirmation that my drinking was out of control and that I probably used to drink a lot more than I admitted to myself.

So, it's September, the hint of autumn in the air. I was out yesterday picking brambles - hopefully the first of many. They are juicy, sharp, full of proper bramble taste, so different from the sweet tasteless blackberries from the supermarket. I'm also planning to experiment with seabuckthorn later in the autumn (don't think it's ready yet), a friend of mine made seabuckthorn tea last year and it was 'interesting'.

I've started seeing adverts for 'go sober in October', maybe that will be encouragement for some people who have been wavering at the edge....

Hope all babes, posters, lurkers, triers and wonderers are having a good weekend.

Have made blackberry jam! And yes, does have a hint of autumn in the air today, doesn’t it?

Hello brave babes, I follow you all on and off (with the dream of one day being one of you)

I've actually had enough now and I'm halfway through "The Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober" and I want to undertake the 100 day challenge.

• caveat tomorrow will be day one. But it will be day one

I've found my relationship with alcohol has changed and whilst I can't even bare to utter the word 'alcoholic' in relation to myself, the level of dependency has increased astronomically in recent years.

I made a list of all the reasons I'm not an alcoholic

• I don't drink everyday
• I don't drink just anything (I have lots of untouched and unopened alcohol here)
• it doesn't effect day to day life
• I don't miss work and the kids have never missed school

Etc....

Then it dawned on me that people who have a normal relationship with alcohol, don't have to make lists as to why they aren't an alcoholic.

I have plans in place to keep me dry, and I've cleared my social calendar.

I need to restart a medication which I cant drink alcohol with so that will keep me anchored.

Any tips or words of wisdom are much appreciated.

I don't feel AA is for me at present but are there any other online support groups? Blogs? Books? Anything at all?

Crunchymum for me the realisation that I have no 'stop' button when I start drinking was what brought me the realisation that I am a dysfunctional drinker. Like you, I didn't drink everyday, I was very fussy about what I drunk, it didn't affect my day-to-day life (well unless I had a hangover or was pissed!) and I never missed work.

I have got a really good book by Russell Brand called Recovery: Freedom from our addictions. However, it is based on the 12 step method which is an AA programme. He writes in a very engaging and self deprecating way and I am really enjoying it. I also joined a Facebook group called Club Soda Together but I am not finding it massively helpful at the moment as there are lots of posts and many people are still drinking. I prefer to ally myself with people who are not drinking, if that makes sense.

Your GP may be able to put you in touch with organisations in your area who run support groups or programmes which are not AA. I know there are three or four in my area alone, as quite a few of the AA members I speak to have been to them.

I am also using an app called Dry January, which is a useful tool for calculating how many days you have been sober, and also how many units you have not drunk, and how many calories you have saved by not drinking those units. It works all year round, despite referring to January! You just put in some basic information about how often and how much you were drinking, and it does the calculations for you. I like it as I keep losing track of how many days sober I am. I think it is up to 37 now, and I feel pretty good. No more awful anxiety and sleepless nights, and no more hangovers.

@Lilyrose88

Congratulations on 37 days.

I did 7 weeks last year, before reverting to one day a week, slipping into 2 days a week.... then 3.

Have a binge here and there where I may well drink every night (not masses but a few glasses of wine after kids are on bed) but then manage to go back to months of drinking just Sat / Sun.

It's all a bit of a mess for me though as no matter where I am in my personal drinking cycle, I am never in the "I am sober" mindset.

I lose and gain weight depending on my drinking. I have zero self control around food after a sniff of wine.

I've had CBT and psychotherapy but not in relation to my drinking. I have had something traumatic happen (hence the therapy) and I've spiralled since then.

But the wine doesn't help. It never has and never will.

So I want to do the 100 day challenge and see where I'm at from there.

Whilst I don't want to attend AA, im happy to take a look at the book you suggest...

And finally, thank you for replying!!

I feel so lonely in this x

Hi crunchymum and welcome. You shouldn't feel alone - one every street, in every school playground, in every supermarket, at ever weight loss class (etc.) there will be another woman just like you. Someone whose drinking gets a bit out of hand, but more importantly someone whose thinking about drinking isn't right.

You might not see these other people - like you they don't stagger to school pick-up drunk, or smell of booze in the morning, they just look like other busy women coping with life and all it throws at them. But importantly not all of them have taken notice of what is happening and decided to do something about it. You have. So well done. It's a big step. And great if you can avoid it becoming your only coping strategy for dealing with stress or trauma, there are so many more effective ways of doing that (even if they don't seem as easy as opening a bottle of wine).

Hi Crunchymum! Good to have you on board the bus. Whether it’s complete sobriety, moderating or changing how we feel about alcohol, we all have our own aims and ways of being. Trauma and addictive patterns of behaviour are linked. I’m really glad the therapy helped you.

The first September weekend, autumn approaching. So what do we turn to...?

Soups, pies, casseroles, apple crumble. NOT the false comfort of a glass of wine.

Evening all! Having an ‘eventful’ weekend at my mum’s - trying to get her to accept help with things in the house and (as ever) saying the wrong thing 😫 I would once have spent the whole time quietly getting pissed and I won’t lie... there was a moment eyeing the brandy bottle. But we persevere.

Hi everyone, Can I join?
My drinking is a problem because I use it as a coping mechanism for stress. I get overwhelming anxiety when bad things happen in my life and can’t calm myself down physically or mentally unless I have a drink.
Don’t think I’m an alcoholic because I don’t crave it, or miss it during times I’m not drinking. I have questioned that a lot though because I keep promising myself I’m going to stop and now I’ve realised I can’t.
I have CFS so I’m limited in lifestyle things I could use to manage the anxiety. I used to exercise, it worked a treat to calm me down. Now I can’t I’m stuck.
Thanks for reading.

Hi hotel, and welcome. Don't worry too much about labelling yourself, just acknowledge that you use alcohol in an unhealthy way, and you'd like to change that. Well done - it's brave to take that step.

Are there things you can do that relax / distract you such as online jigsaws or colouring? They also occupy your hands so you can't pick up a drink.

Thanks for the welcome Venus.
Yes I have things I can distract myself with on a normal day. It’s the bad days with anxiety I struggle with, nothing works when it gets like that. I end up feeling really out of control and unable to calm myself down without some sort of chemical crutch.
I’m considering going back on antidepressants to avoid the bad days taking over me. I’m disappointed on one hand because I’ve suffered quite bad depression in the past and have definitely needed them and then worked hard to get off them. I’m not depressed now, nor am I anxious everyday but I am very emotionally sensitive and I found they made me more resilient. Still undecided as of yet.... almost feel defeated 😕

Hi Hotelfoxtrot and good to have you on the bus. Anxiety is horrible, isn’t it? One of the first things to ease when I stopped drinking was the anxiety, and thinking it may come back is a big dis-incentive to start drinking again. Moderation can make a big difference for some, but some of us find we need to stop completely. Whichever you choose, you’ll find lots of support here.