Morning Everyone,
I’m on day 20, for the third and final time. I’ve jumped on and off the bus a few times, and now, enough is enough.
I first stopped in Feb 2016 ( reading Alan Carr), and drifted back to ‘moderating’, and was back up to full throttle by our summer holiday that June.
I stopped on Jan 1 2018, and was dry until a skiing holiday in Feb, 6 weeks later, and then moderated again, by not drinking on nights out, not drinking spirits, not drinking alone, crossing my fingers, blocking my ears, and was back up to 60ish units a week by May.
Moderation doesn’t work for me, EVER, and what is really scary is how long it takes me to eventually find the courage again, to stop again.
So, I’ve read Jason Vale, re read Annie Grace, and am currently reading Alcohol Explained by William Porter. I’ve just read the first brilliantly inspirational thread of the Babes, as well as all my old posts, under various names, in various places, which are like a diary for me!
I live outside Glasgow, so there are a huge number of AA meetings available to me. I’ve never been before, but I need to do things differently this time, so that it will stick. So that I will stick. One of the meetings is a Beginners one, so hopefully that will be a good fit. I’m a right old atheist though, so we’ll see how it goes.
There is also a Smart recovery meeting fairly nearby, which I might try too. When the kids go back to school next week, I’ll give it a go. I can only do day time meetings, as DH works away.
All the books I’ve read have really sorted out my thinking about booze- I very much relish the prospect of a clean life, and all the hope it brings. My dad was a big drinker, and I hated how aggressive and unpleasant and selfish he was. I had a breakthrough when reading This Naked Mind, when she talked about cognitive dissonance - when your mind is contradicting itself, holding two opposing views.
I hated that my Dad was drunk in front of us, always putting his need to drink first, and vowed not to be like him, and here I was, drinking wine almost every night, in front of my own, longed for and loved children.
The fucking guilt, the self loathing. The out and out hypocrisy of it all. No wonder I feel such peace and joy now. I’m so proud of myself, and that tastes better than any wine.
I’m putting the Fuckit bucket in the bin, and I’m putting on my New Me cape instead!!
I’ll now go and reread this current thread, so that I can contribute properly, rather than wittering on endlessly about me, myself and I !!
I have to say, when it seemed that you didn’t know what the Fear was JK, I thought, what’s she doing here?? If I could drink without the crashing anxiety and regret and heebeegeebies < technical term>, I’d never have stopped!