Hello bus babes. Nervously edging a foot on the bus again after a long time off it (used to be BrokenbutBreathing).
Basically, I've drunk too much since around 13 years old. Both parents were alcoholics, lost my dad 18 months ago and my mum 2 months ago. Abusive childhood largely driven by alcohol.
I've tried everything over the years but moderation doesn't work, and I've never made giving-up stick past the next weekend.
Probably drink about 1.5 bottles of wine a night, four or five nights a week. And chain smoke with it.
I'm not present for my family, and my work is suffering.
I know that I drink to suppress feelings and escape from myself - all I want is to switch off and not deal with reality any more. I've had counselling about my childhood, which helped emotionally, but hasn't changed my habits.
I have spent small fortunes over the years on every type of therapy and treatment that you can imagine. I often think now that I'm basically beyond help, and will keep going until I get cancer and die. I know this is not healthy. I've put on three stone in three years and look awful.
I feel like I need a magic switch, while at the same time, knowing that it doesn't exist. Reading through the threads, I have just bought the Jason Vale and W Porter books so will see if they help.
Perhaps posting here and being honest about my situation will help. I need to face it now before it gets any worse. I'm just dealing with so much grief and trauma over the last few years, that I don't feel I have the strength to stop. The thought of carrying on terrifies me, and the thought of stopping terrifies me.