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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Brave babes are still here: sping / summer / autumn / winter There is always someone around

999 replies

venusandmars · 27/06/2019 20:54

This topic had being going for years and years and years. Maybe almost as long as some people have been struggling with drinking.

We are still here. Supporting, encouraging, helping. Never judging, never minimising our problems.

If you want to catch up, our last thread is HERE

And if you want to follow everything from the start, the very first thread from 9 years ago is RIGHT HERE

You can join in anytime. Everyone is welcome. Whether you are trying to cut down, abstain completely , or are simply acknowledging that you might have a problem... Post what you want.

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17
CrustyMorticia · 30/10/2019 13:15

Not read all the threads so dont know if this has been mentioned..
One really useful trick I use is to have an online savings account seperate from my current account, and every evening I resist I transfer £10 into it. It soon adds up for guilt free spending on treats, and is a great motivator to not drink.

venusandmars · 30/10/2019 14:57

louiseaaa thank you for posting and well done on close to 2 years sober, that is an amazing achievement. If the face of all the social pressure we have to 'relax with a glass of ...' 'cheer yourself up with...' 'celebrate with...' What you have done is great.

Sometimes it gets quiet on here and it is good to know that there are people like you reading / lurking / occasionally posting who have been helped by something that someone has written.

So on that note, I encourage any of you to post your thoughts, your feelings, your daily struggles, your momentary triumphs (and your long term success!!). You never know who might need your help..

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LilyRose88 · 31/10/2019 16:04

lousieaa fantastic achievement - thank you for posting. I am now on day 97 and have just been shopping to buy a load of alcohol-free drinks as I am having some friends round for dinner tomorrow and they don't drink either. My bag was clinking as I took it out of my car boot and once upon a time it would have been wine bottles in it rather than soft drinks Smile.

I have been doing quite a bit of running (a passion of mine) and although I am not fast or athletic I have been enjoying being able to run whenever I like, rather than when I didn't have a hangover!

I had a difficult day on Monday because I was doing some AA homework that my sponsor had set me, and I ended up getting very ross with the AA Big Book as it was written in the 1930s and is very sexist and has frequent references to God and spiritual awakenings. As a feminist and an atheist I found this offensive. So I went on a massive rant to myself, pacing around the house muttering about how stupid it all was. Of course I managed to calm down and rationalise that the book was very old-fashioned and written by people who were religious. AA these days does have plenty of atheists, agnostics and people of many faiths, so it is far more inclusive and modern. I ordered a book on the twelve steps for atheists from Amazon, and immediately felt better. The good news is that I did not pick up a drink, and I have continued going to AA meetings.

Craftycorvid · 31/10/2019 16:56

Lilyrose well done on day 97! That’s brilliant. I like running too, and I’m also a rather, ahem, stately jogger shall we say? Who cares? It’s great exercise and makes us feel good. I agree re the whole ‘higher power’ jazz. I would feel free to decide on your own ‘higher power’ (mine is the life force of the natural world) and reinvent. A moderate or sober Samhain to one and all. Peace! 🧙‍♀️

LilyRose88 · 01/11/2019 16:02

Crafty thank you, I love the term 'stately jogger'. Although I think I might look like a bit of a dog's dinner at the moment as I have put on a few pounds since giving up drinking and am rather more curvaceous than usual. Not that my new boyfriend seems to mind Grin.

My higher power is the Universe or the force of nature, depending on how I am feeling at the time. My sponsor has asked me to rewrite the 12 steps in my own way, so I am doing some research on that.

I went to a meeting last night and it was refreshing to hear that guy who was doing the 'chair' say that whilst AA has no doubt saved his life, there were many things wrong with it (he said this rather tongue in cheek to avoid offending some of the more devout members). I am a bit of a maverick so I like the idea of doing things my way, whilst sticking to the principles of AA. It is an amazing programme and if followed, it is transformational. I will just tweak with some of the wording to avoid offending my sensitive feminist atheist self Grin.

Luckingfovely · 02/11/2019 19:02

Hello bus babes. Nervously edging a foot on the bus again after a long time off it (used to be BrokenbutBreathing).

Basically, I've drunk too much since around 13 years old. Both parents were alcoholics, lost my dad 18 months ago and my mum 2 months ago. Abusive childhood largely driven by alcohol.

I've tried everything over the years but moderation doesn't work, and I've never made giving-up stick past the next weekend.

Probably drink about 1.5 bottles of wine a night, four or five nights a week. And chain smoke with it.

I'm not present for my family, and my work is suffering.

I know that I drink to suppress feelings and escape from myself - all I want is to switch off and not deal with reality any more. I've had counselling about my childhood, which helped emotionally, but hasn't changed my habits.

I have spent small fortunes over the years on every type of therapy and treatment that you can imagine. I often think now that I'm basically beyond help, and will keep going until I get cancer and die. I know this is not healthy. I've put on three stone in three years and look awful.

I feel like I need a magic switch, while at the same time, knowing that it doesn't exist. Reading through the threads, I have just bought the Jason Vale and W Porter books so will see if they help.

Perhaps posting here and being honest about my situation will help. I need to face it now before it gets any worse. I'm just dealing with so much grief and trauma over the last few years, that I don't feel I have the strength to stop. The thought of carrying on terrifies me, and the thought of stopping terrifies me.

Craftycorvid · 02/11/2019 19:57

Hello Lucking. Welcome back to the bus! It’s really positive that therapy has helped before. Have you ever seen a therapist who understands addiction and trauma? If not, I’d encourage you to find someone trauma-focussed whom you feel able to work with. That you’ve made some headway with the emotional side of things is great. I can absolutely relate to the can’t stop/can’t continue battle with drinking.

venusandmars · 02/11/2019 20:08

lucking Well done on your honesty and self perception.

It is really hard to change our habits, whether that's drinking a bottle of wine, the first cup of tea in the morning, or holding your toothbrush in your right hand rather than your left.
Doing something different feels unnatural, awkward, inefficient and we want to revert...
But it is possible. You will need internal motivation and often outside help and support. But it can happen. All is not lost.

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Luckingfovely · 03/11/2019 10:02

Thank you @venus and @Crafty. I think I really needed to be honest about where I'm at, and it's lovely to feel heard. One step at a time... but I think if I'm here with you guys it might not feel so lonely.

MintToBee · 07/11/2019 18:08

HELLO!!! Just checking in. I've been a bit AWOL lately, things have been really busy for me at work and at home. It never seems to end, the relentless cycle of work, sleep, work...
So I've been thinking a lot lately about my journey to sobriety . It's not been an easy ride and sometimes I just get the urge to go FUCK THIS and open a bottle.
I've been AF now for 23 months. It will be TWO years on Christmas day. I can hardly believe it.
All I can say to everyone on their first steps, keep going. It will get better in time and if you do fall of the bus from time to time, don't worry, there's always the next stop to get back on.
I really couldn't of done this without the support and friendship of the BBs.

Craftycorvid · 07/11/2019 22:07

Bloody brilliant, Mint! 23 months is amazing. I’ve had a couple of wobbly moments lately - social occasions where I really did start bargaining and thinking ‘would one night really be that terrible?’ But I know in my case it wouldn’t be one night. So I harrumphed, sulked and drank my tonic water - and actually had a good time anyway. But, y’know ‘FUCK it’ anyway! There. That feels better.....

MintToBee · 08/11/2019 17:07

Craftycorvid
I had a long hard think on our wedding day. The owner of the place we got married at gave us a bottle of pink champagne. We really thought hard about cracking it open but we knew if we did that we would just end up walking to the pub and undoing all that time and effort we put into keeping us AF. But it was bloody hard!

dementedma · 08/11/2019 20:27

Hey Babes. I have been MIA for quite a while. Haven’t read this thread and it seems there are new babes to meet and say hello to. I see dear venus is here holding it all together with her wisdom as always and great to see mint. I was at that wedding and it was bloody brilliant.

I’m still drinking, guess I’m the resident bus lush. But hey ho, here I am. Love to all

venusandmars · 09/11/2019 20:16

I'm always here, floating somewhere in the ether.. No particular wisdom, just presence.

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MintToBee · 10/11/2019 17:16

Me again! Another first I wouldn't have been able to do before I went AF. I've just passed my theory driving test and am busy booking the practical for February. Eeek! I'm definitely working through my bucket list. Waves at Ma and Venus An anniversary meet in June with me driving? GrinWink🙈

Craftycorvid · 10/11/2019 17:55

Good luck, Mint! Great to be able to acknowledge the things being AF has given us, isn’t it?

obrigada · 15/11/2019 14:37

Have been searching for this thread for the last half hour, thought the bus had broken down and couldn't be fixed Smile. I haven't been on Mumsnet for a long time. Came back on today to share that I am now 236 days without a drink. I have joined AA and started my Steps last night.

Waves to all babes, old and new Smile

Craftycorvid · 15/11/2019 15:15

That’s brilliant Obrigada (and that you’ve found us again). Smile

LordGeorgeGordon · 15/11/2019 15:42

I'm a periodic lurker on this thread, and it's nice to see some AA cheerleading! I'm sure it's cropped up over the years, but whenever I stop by, I tend to see a lot of people struggling on their own. I don't want to be the preachy AA bore (so mostly stay quiet!) but I could never have got sober without it. I'm just over five years now and it changed my life - saved it, and changed it. I'm another AA atheist - my 'higher power' is barely a higher power - it's more the principle that there are many things beyond my control, and I have to accept all the stuff I'm not in charge of. Wherever the AA big book feels a bit 'holy', I just substitute the word "placeholder" for "god". It doesn't really matter what "it" is that's doing it, as long as I keep following the programme, I am somehow managing to stay sober and it's still a massive fucking relief!

I'd recommend it to anyone who's struggling. It does sound rather old fashioned and a bit 'woo' when you first encounter it, but it's astonishingly effective if you go with it! I'm sure there are people out there who manage to surmount their alcohol problems other ways - but it really saved me!

I'll cease my testifying now. Good luck all! Smile

venusandmars · 17/11/2019 10:48

Obrigada great to hear your update. Well done you!

And thanks for dropping in Lord George It's interesting how sometimes people are very resistant to AA (and of course there are some people who don't have a good / supportive experience).. But occasionally it does sound like resistance to actually knuckling down and getting on with a sober life. I didn't find AA to be the place for me long term, but I was willing to go and try it.

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dementedma · 17/11/2019 17:31

obrigada good to see you. Took me ages to find the thread too. It seems that Gerald is finally running out of puff. I can’t complain as I am one of the guilty ones who has dropped off the thread

CJSmith2019 · 17/11/2019 19:50

Just saying a quick hello. Am plugging away quietly. Any time I post here, I seem to kill the thread. Quick wave. Smile

Craftycorvid · 17/11/2019 20:45

Hi all!

MintToBee · 18/11/2019 13:32

I'm here! Full of the lurgy and dreading the run up to Christmas at work. Its always out with the old and in with the new. It seems animals are just for Christmas and not for life 😕

venusandmars · 19/11/2019 18:06

Aww mint it is such a tender time when animals leave us...

CJSmith2019 nope you've not killed the thread this time...

It does seem that the bus has taken its passengers on a gentle trip, parked up, and left us to frolic in the meadows. That's no bad thing. I cannot imagine how many people have posted, lurked, been helped by all the thread over the years since @JesusWhatNext first posted.

It's been a community. It's been a safe place (so few arguments or irritations). It's been crazy. It has inspired, challenged, supported, cared. Is that no what a 'community' (of whatever sort) is all about.

If we're running out of puff, I'm minded to set up a 'residual' thread. A place where posters, lurkers, past contributors, seekers of support can come - just whenever they need to... without a need to update, keep it on the first page, to join in with the banter...

What do you think?

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