Devastated

[tracy081276]

Please can anyone give me hope that I'll be ok. I'm 42 and my partner left me after 23 years and 5 children together. This was 3 months ago. Initially i thought it would blow over and he'd be home. I thought he was depressed and needed a break. In the previous 4 years i have been through a lot emotionally. My mum died 4 years ago and i tried to resusitate her but i failed. I tried so hard. Then full hysterectomy so going through menopause for 3 years. He was never there to comfort me , i did everything round the house and for children. I think I'm having a breakdown . Trying to be positive for kids but feel like im dying. Hes now dating someone else. I'm sorry this post is all over the place . Just dont know what to write.

Im thinking this is for the best. When you have someone elses objective veiws it really opens your eyes. I'm beginning to realise that i am being played for a mug !! She does blame it on me , resents me a little i think ! He gets off scot free ! Hes hurting her not me !

I can understand how you feel right now but I guarantee it will get easier. Firstly, the fact you got a job is amazing this will bring a level of routine to your life, the chance to meet new people and give you some independence financially. Secondly you have your beautiful children. Spend quality time with them and cherish it. My other bit of advice is think of all the bad points about your ex husband. My ex had an affair for 4 years and lied about it. I thought I was heart broken when we split but I have since realised I have my life back! Behind the charming persona he exhibits he is actually not a nice person to put it mildly! What I will say when we married he was a much nicer person but he worked his way up the corporate ladder and his self inflated ego took the place of the half decent man he was before he changed. So I remember the good times we had but I am so glad I got out from the bad times as the rest of my life would have been a waste. The ow is welcome to him!

Thank you hun. Just what i needed to hear . Right now i feel like I'll never get over it but KNOW i will. Writing on here has helped me so much. Just writing it down has made me realise hes nothing special. I've worked my arse off for my family and i deserve better ! I'm so glad you are where you are hun. True what they say , what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ! Thanjs again for your post , gives me hope xx

I'm so glad the support you're getting here is helping. This is Mumsnet at its best. Women backing each other.

I hope your son has a great time with his Aunt.
Tell your daughter the truth.
Stop letting him stay, he can do dinner and movie out then bring her home.
Change the locks and don’t let him back into your space.

Hes such a selfish person. Just realising that now. His needs are coming before everyone elses. I dont understand how someone can change so much. I'm rock bottom now but the only way is up xx

Hiya ladies , I'm struggling today again ! I can't seem to cope. Im having to take so many tablets to get through the day ! Feel like I'm failing my children. Somedays i cant get out of my bed. He's happy as larry and im a wreck. Can anyone whos been through this please give me any advise and hope ! Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Please don't lie to your children it's going to damage their trust in you as well as him.

My mum went through similar, even same number of kids and also lied to two youngest about daddy's new gf. The similarities are uncanny, I knew as did my brothers (were the oldest 3)

Devastated the little ones when they found out and compounded massively by the fact that mummy, the one 'safe' parent had been lying too. Please stop covering for him and tell them the truth, save your own relationship with the kids, his is
For him to worry about. The kids need a parent they can trust

Oh and 4.5 years down the line mum is happy in new relationship and has own art work business. It does happen. Took a very long time for youngest trust her again tbh

Thanks so much for your reply hun. I have to now i think. Ive got to think about my own well being also. I'm so glad your mums doing so well. Gives me hope x

How are you today?

You're only 42! You're young. It all rests on your attitude now. Either you can see it as the end or the beginning. Frankly I would use this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Do things that you wanted to do that he didn't, maybe take up some hobbies, meet some new people.

Don’t cover for him - be honest with your kids. He needs to own his decisions. Also don’t let him come to yours - his lovely supportive mum - your DD’s grandmother would be a great location. You can drop the kids there and collect them a few hours later. Don’t let him back into your space

Too proud to argue over money , let him spend it on OW ! While i struggle with his kids

No way. You need to get a good lawyer and make sure you get a fair settlement. Being proud won't pay the bills and your kids deserve better than that. Put your pride away and fight for what you deserve.

And see your doctor about getting some HRT if you're not on it already. When you've had a surgical menopause, HRT is your friend.

Good luck - I've been where you are and there IS life after all this.

Blimey, what a shit he is!
You need to stop being a doormat to him though and knock the overnight stays at your house on the head.
If he chooses to not see your boys then that is his choice and not your fault! You just need to be there for them.
Right now, he's absolutely laughing!
End his smugness right now and make him man up to the choices he has made.
Oh and you need to tell your DD that daddy left because he's got a new girlfriend. Honesty is the best policy here.
Hope you feel stronger soon

I agree with others. Arrange for him to visit your daughter elsewhere. Don’t lie to your children, although I would not tell your daughter he’s living with someone else. She will figure it out with time.

He is using you. That must stop.

Thank you so much ladies. Hes hurt me beyond words now. His dad was diagnosed with cancer on Monday and he didn't tell me ! His dad always said im like his daughter and he didn't have courtesy to tell me ! Only good thing is its put fire in my belly ! Overnight stays are definitely over , you're all right , hes made his bed he can bloody lie in it !! Never thought he'd hurt me like this.

@tracy081276 how are you doing?

Hiya hun , thank you for asking. Still not doing so great but having better days. He still being a total prat but i think there comes a time nothing will surprise me anymore ! Told me it wasnt just me he was sick of but the boys too ! How can a dad say that ??

Still not doing so great but having better days. He still being a total prat but i think there comes a time nothing will surprise me anymore!

That's great. Look how soon you've started to feel better. It's been less than a month.

And getting used to him being a prat means he has much less power to hurt you

Told me it wasnt just me he was sick of but the boys too ! How can a dad say that ??

By becoming a complete dick, that's how. I expect he was nicer many years ago but gradually got more and more selfish.

I know a man who adores his DC when they're small and idolise him. But he goes right off them when they get old enough to challenge him. Does that ring any bells?

sounds like he is just trying to justify his appalling actions by blaming everyone else. you have wonderful children - enjoy them . Be strong . He does not deserve you .

You WILL get through this and you will be Happy!!
Take it one minute at a time!
There you've made it another minute. You can do it again .
Keep going until minutes turn into hours and hours into days.
You know after a break up women always feel all the emotion right away. We grieve our relationship. Eventually we get over it and become happy again.
Men however go out and get happy. Whichever way. But after a while they realize what they've lost or done and start to regret it or grieve. By then the woman is over it happy again while the man grieves his loss.
It's always that way! And it's better to get the grief done now.

Try not to focus on him but on yourself and your relationship with your kids. Do things you never coukd before. Look forward to little things. And know that the perfect man is out there. The one who loves his wife or gf more than anything and puts her and the children first. The man who thinks " what can I do today to make their life a little better" every single day!
I've had both men. The useless ass and the perfect man and dad. A 10 out of 10 and I feel so lucky. He is out there for you too. But you must first heal and put yourself first. X

He said he’s sick of his boys? He is absolutely vile. Don’t encourage them to see him again. He doesn’t deserve to have kids.

Op,
I agree you should tell your daughter about your husband having another woman. I had to make the same decision with my 6 year old daughter.

I did it for two reasons: first, so that she never felt lied to. Second, because children blame themselves when their father leaves (even unconsciously) so hiding the real reason makes that much more likely.

That said, this should not be the time to let loose on your husband and prove he's the bad guy. Obviously, do that with your friends - not with your kids.

I told my daughter that mummy and daddy were not going to live together anymore. The main reason was that daddy didn't have romantic feelings for mummy any more. We knew this for sure because he had felt this way for some time and we were even more sure because he had those romantic feelings for some one else. For that reason, it wasn't possible for mummy and daddy to be happy together as a couple. But we would both always be her mummy and daddy. And while romantic love between parents changes sometimes, the love you have as a parent for your child never changes. Etc etc.... I did not say anything about cheating or betrayal etc.....

As the child gets older they will understand more about what actually happened, and they will ask for the info they are ready to hear.....but it is possible to tell 'the truth' without turning your daughter into a pawn or forcing her to take sides.

Good luck!

I would never use my children , even to my own detrement ! Daughter thinks its my fault ( dad lies to her )and i just let her rant at me. He is a despicable father to his boys but I've never bad mouthed him to them either. Although i want to !!! Honestly my boys are amazing , bit mouthy but they're teenagers ! He'll end up a sad lonely man !