Devastated

[tracy081276]

Please can anyone give me hope that I'll be ok. I'm 42 and my partner left me after 23 years and 5 children together. This was 3 months ago. Initially i thought it would blow over and he'd be home. I thought he was depressed and needed a break. In the previous 4 years i have been through a lot emotionally. My mum died 4 years ago and i tried to resusitate her but i failed. I tried so hard. Then full hysterectomy so going through menopause for 3 years. He was never there to comfort me , i did everything round the house and for children. I think I'm having a breakdown . Trying to be positive for kids but feel like im dying. Hes now dating someone else. I'm sorry this post is all over the place . Just dont know what to write.

In know the feeling xx

It help just to post on here. Never done anything like this. To get out whats in your head is helpful and to know others have come out the otherside gives me hope. I realise its a process but god does it hurt !

Too proud to ask for money well for a start you need to knock that on the head . Let him pay what he needs to . Do you own house or rent ?

Next he needs to take the children when it is his turn not turn up at your house like a babysitter . He has chosen his path and that does not allow him in your space . That alone will make it much easier .

Truth be told , time eases it but it is a tough road - one step forward and three back at times . It's only natural to think " who will want me ? " and anyone who has not been in this situation will think "WTF is she thinking about that when she has so much else to worry about "...as I said only natural .

Fear IS the overriding sensation at this time for you - you don't know what is going to happen to you and that is worrying . Concentrate on the practical things for now and that will all come in time . TBH he doesn't sound much of a loss and eventually you will wake up and think "he did me a favour "

Thanks for your reply hun. The house is mine , i own it. Left to me by my mum. I'm so conflicted because if he doesnt stay here he has nowhere to take them. My daughter loves him staying and I'm trying to put her interests first. Shes not allowed to know he has a girlfriend!! And he isn't much of a loss , as i said had nothing for years ! I'm just so frightened about my future x

I definitely wouldn’t be keeping his secret! Why isn’t she allowed to know?? Could he possibly be ashamed of his behaviour?

Exactly! The mans a complete arse ! Doesn't want his mum and dad to know either , bear in mind hes 48 !!

Definitely helps to write on here! I started a thread on here too! The support is amazing!!

Why can't he have your DD over at his parents house? Really OP, your DD's feelings are important but so are yours. Do not let him sleep in your bed.

I would sing it from the rooftops that he's already got another woman. You owe him nothing.

How are your boys coping? It must be terrible for them too. Are you able to be a comfort to each other?

The 3 older boys are coping fine and I've told them dad has a new girlfriend. They're telling me to get out and have fun and f@@k him ! My 13 year old is struggling a bit but his dad doesn't seem to care ! Begged him to spend time with him but falls on deaf ears ! I can't force it. He'll need to answer for his actions one day. How some woman is more important than your children i cant get my head around x

OP, do you know how much he earns? Use this to work out what you should be getting
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
This is nothing to do with pride. He doesn’t care about your pride! What he cares about is getting his end away with another woman and getting away with not supporting his family. How long do you think the other woman will be interested when he has to step up and can’t take her out all the time. He’s spending money on her that should be used to feed his kids. Even if you take the money and put it in a savings account for them, do not let him use it to woo another woman. He’s not single and needs to pay the right amount. Plus it shows you’ve got fire in your belly and you aren’t going to be a walkover. This staying in your house business has to stop too. Your daughter isn’t a baby. She can go to his mothers house. Your house is now your sanctuary. You are being way too nice and accommodating and that’s just making him think you’re a mug. Time to start saying no.

I think you moving out two nights a week while he comes into the house is not on at all. You need time and space to heal and process what's happened, not having him going there. I think you need to put your foot down now and tell him to have your daughter at his mother's house (provided it's ok to do so - she ok? Surely she would want to support him seeing her?)

Really sorry you are going through this, sounds like you've had such a difficult time.

You sound so strong and lovely though - and congratulations on your new job! I hope that marks a lovely new chapter for you without this asshole in your life making things harder when you are already having such a hard time.

Oh and yes you do tell everyone he’s got a girlfriend. Then you get yourself a solicitor and divorce him for adultery. Stop doing the “he’ll regret it one day” thing. Make him regret it right now.

I appreciate all the advise. I'm really trying to put my kids feelings first cause he'd never see the boys if he didn't stay here ! It is torture to think hes in my bed after sleeping with another woman though !

Hopefully you are not married that means your house is safe.

It takes months to get over a long relationship, I would say at least a year, the first stage is often shock and then it starts to sink in and grief hits.Guess that is where you are now. I found it really helpful to make a list of all his shitty behaviour and store it in your phone so you look at it when you start to miss him. Slowly you will have more good days than bad and there will be days when you don't cry.

Do you really have to let him stay? I think seeing him as little as possible or him not being in your space is vital to healing. It also means he gets to keep tabs on you which will make you feel tied to him.

Do you have any joint savings and do you know his income?

But it’s not your responsibility to facilitate and maintain his relationship with the boys. You aren’t together anymore. You aren’t his glue anymore. He has to do that stuff himself now. Stop enabling him. If he wants to see the kids then he has to organise it. Your older boys are old enough to do their own contact. You cannot and should not shoulder that anymore. If they were primary school age then sure, it’s understandable but no. Maybe if you make this man stand on his own two feet regarding child care and contact he might have a huge wake up call. Have you always done everything to make sure he has a good relationship with the kids? His relationship with the boys is now something that should take place outside of you and your house. If he doesn’t maintain it or make effort then he will lose them and that’s his downfall. You will get the benefit of all of their love, time and attention. If he can’t see them outside of your house and your facilitation then he doesn’t deserve them.

We didn't marry so I'm fortunate in that regard. His income is below 20 grand a year and we've no joint savings , so we dont have to squabble about any of that. I havent see him for a week or so but when i do hes full of the joys ! Daddy good guy ! Makes me sick actually. I suppose by letting him stay I'm trying to protect the boys from being hurt. My 13 year old actually cried to him and he said sorry i have to work !! Hes never been much interested in my boys to be honest. Theyre all brilliant too , never been in trouble , straight a students and excel in there chosen passions. He had the cheek to say " we've a lot to be proud of " i said " NO ! I have a lot to be proud of cause idid that "

Sorry your going through this could your ds sleep in your bed and him In hers? I would not be keeping his secret gf hidden I’m afraid. don’t think about other men taking on 5 kids yet you will be surprised just concentrate on getting through this crap time big hugs. He wasn’t that nice to you by the sound of it.

Good morning ladies. Another bad day. Found out hes living with her now ! Hes staying with the kids tonight then thats it ! Not going to pander to him anymore. Hes made his bed he can lie it ! But he wont be lying in mine ! I'm actually hurt beyond words.

Wow, he's a real shit. So sorry you're going through this. Yea I really think you need your space and house to yourself. Let him go to her - it is not your responsibility to pander to him. If he is not man enough to sort out seeing the kids that is on him - you can't force him to be a decent father by laying down your sanity and self-respect so he can keep taking the piss.

It sounds like you have always been the main carer and done the most with the kids - so you need to look after you now so you can keep being a fabulous mum.

What a twat, I’m sorry OP.

But yes find your anger and stop pandering to him. It’s not up to you to facilitate him.

It will hurt like hell but their honeymoon will be short lived ince he tries of making an effort for her.

He didn't act lazy because of you, it is who he actually is. He won't change and you will have the pleasure of watching her discover what he is really like.

Why can't he take the children to his parents? They are the children's grandparents after all. I think you're being far too easy on him if I'm honest. I'd tell the children and his mother that he has a girlfriend - they have a right to know and I know if it was my children they be angry if they found that I'd kept it from them.
What part of the country are you in?

Well, now you can tell everyone! After all, it’s out in the open now surely?!

OP, so sorry to hear your story. I totally agree with not wanting him sleeping in your bed any more when you are at your sister’s, though I get it makes things easier for the DC to see him by his staying at your house. Just a very very childish suggestion that sprang to mind.....itching powder...lots of it....in the bed tonight

Really well done you getting out there and getting a job - I’m sure this will help so much and give you some sort of life along with that at home.

Can I ask if you are on HRT if you are able to take it? You might find this helpful with low mood, anxiety and other menopausal symptoms

Tried to be positive and went and got a job, starts in August. Aww well done you! That'll be a new adventure!

Will I find my happiness? See happiness isn't a state of being. No one lives 'happily every after', but you will be happy again and there will be happy times.

Lets face it, he wasn't a great catch anyway and if he can move onto someone else so soon, he clearly has issues. Now they are issues that you don't have to deal with anymore.

Once that anti anxiety medication kicks in you'll start feeling better. In the mean time, try and keep yourself busy before your job starts. Maybe you could take a fun college course to meet new people and get you out and about.

Sending hugs!