Devastated

[tracy081276]

Please can anyone give me hope that I'll be ok. I'm 42 and my partner left me after 23 years and 5 children together. This was 3 months ago. Initially i thought it would blow over and he'd be home. I thought he was depressed and needed a break. In the previous 4 years i have been through a lot emotionally. My mum died 4 years ago and i tried to resusitate her but i failed. I tried so hard. Then full hysterectomy so going through menopause for 3 years. He was never there to comfort me , i did everything round the house and for children. I think I'm having a breakdown . Trying to be positive for kids but feel like im dying. Hes now dating someone else. I'm sorry this post is all over the place . Just dont know what to write.

OP, I didn’t want to read and run. That sounds really really difficult, have you got help with the DC so that you can have some space and time for yourself. Perhaps have time to exercise, or have a massage, or even just have an hour in a coffee shop with a book?

Have you thought about seeing the gp? They may be able to give you something to help you get on top of your feelings a bit so you can get yourself feeling more together x

You will be ok. You poor love you've been through so much. I'm sorry about your mum, I had something similar happen and know how much you beat yourself up that your best wasn't enough.

It will take you a while to find your own space again and it's ok to have a wobble. In terms of the bigger picture do you have other family/Friend's to help you through? Do you work? Just make sure you're eating properly and have a good cry but also do nice things like music, films, walks. Counselling?

One step at a time for now

So sorry op. If he left you after a lifetime and history together, and moved on after 3 months then he isnt deserving of you. Time does heal. X

Thank you for your replies. Sad as it is i have no friends, so lonely. Devoted my whole life to my family and been left with nothing! My kids are fabulous. Tried to be positive and went and got a job, starts in August. Right now though i feel so alone and desperate. I dont know if him leaving has brought everything else to the fore. Been to gp , put on anxiety medication. Just feeling broken.

The job will do you a world of good! Well done for getting out there and finding one! trust me it's just what you need! Roll on April!

My husband left me 3 months ago also. I started my job about 3 weeks ago. It's my first job in 7 years and I love it!!

You'll be FINE. It's early days. You're still emotionally bruised, but it will get easier.

It may take a while but it will get easier,well done in getting a job.You will make new friends at work.You could join a class and learn a new skill,Dancing,keep fit,anything you are interested in.In the meantime get out and about with your daughters.

Devoted my whole life to my family and been left with nothing!

You still have the family - 5 beautiful children.
You haven't fallen away from the family, he's fallen away from it. You still have everything, he's the loser - and in time you will see that he was a net loss and drag on your emotional and family position and that you have more without him subtracting from it and dragging you down.

My guess is that you will build confidence with this new job, make friends and find you feel
strangely much younger in the medium term.

You won't see it now (you'll still be in the grip of cold, nauseous, adrenaline fired terror about the betrayal and your future), but this is a win for your long term emotional wellbeing. I promise, it really is. "Lose a cheater, gain a life." Google Chump Lady for inspiration, and to help you find your productive anger.

Thanks everyone. My rational head tells me everything will work out how its supposed to but getting my heart there is the difficult part. I just have some really crap days ! Days when I'm anxious about my future. Thats my overriding emotion. Whos going to want me with 5 kids ? Will i find my happiness ?

He left you after 23 years and is dating somebody else after 3 months! He’s disgusting and you deserve better. Whoever this other woman is should be ashamed of herself. Who would date somebody who’s left his wife and 5 kids? What’s wrong with her? Are you claiming all the maintenance you are owed? Get every penny. Go through CMS. Why should he be able to swan around like a single man with no responsibilities. Is he having all the kids every other weekend? Fri through to Monday? If not, then that needs sorting. You get to have a social life too. 1st thing is claim the CMS and then google counsellors in your area. You need support to get through this. We are all here for you. You can do this. How old are your kids? Is your house owned or rented? Oh and a HUGE congratulations on the new job. Go you. That’s absolutely brilliant. Start writing down two or three things on a post it note every day to be grateful for and stick it on the fridge so you see it every day. First thing when you wake up. So today, now, write 1) got myself a new job 2) 5 kids who adore me 3) hundreds of new friends on mumsnet

You have 5 kids at home needing you right now but it won’t always be that way. He’ll always be an arsehole though. Don’t think like “who will want me” that’s negative mindset. Think “a guy would be lucky to get me and my gorgeous family” how many kids has somebody like angelina jolie got? The bloke you meet who isn’t put off by you having 5 kids will be the keeper so be proud. Start believing in yourself. Your husband left you and despite everything you’ve gone/are going through you landed a new job?!? You’re a fricking superhero.

If you haven’t already, install an app called Meetup on your phone. This gives you details of all the social groups (book clubs, running, badminton etc) in your area. When your ex has your kids sign up for some of these activities. With that and your new job you’ll wonder why you put up with him for all of those years

My kids are 23, 21 ,17 , 13 and 7. Oldest 4 are boys , youngest a girl. Ex only interested in my daughter if im honest. Stays with them 2 nights a week while i go to my sisters. I hate thinking of him in my bed after he's been sleeping with another woman ! Just trying to do whats best for my daughter. Nobody to know hes got a girlfriend! What a dick ! So he can be guilt free. ! Trying so hard not to be spiteful but hes making it hard ! Took my daughter to his work ( where other woman works ) and I'm supposed to just smile gracefully and accept that !!

Simonfromharlow , how did you get through ?

Hugs, unfortunately a familiar tale so whilst we can't fix your situation know that you are not alone - 27 years for me and 3 months ago he announced he had never really been happy! First thing is to get your financial affairs in order and ensure he does plenty of childcare, then put measures in place to get your lifestyle the way you want it, it's hard, it's built around the other person but we deserve to be happy

Ps, wish me luck, off to pitch for a contract now that will allow me to keep my home! I need it

Good luck hun , I'll be thinking of you xx

Surely you can’t go on letting him stay in your bed while you hide out at your sister’s. You need to think about what works for you and assert yourself with this bastard. Why should all the contact arrangements be set up only to suit him?

3 months is nothing OP. You are allowed to be upset and hurt and everything else. Allow yourself these feelings, you’ve been shat on from a great height.

However if he never comforted you and you did everything, was he really that great? You went through so much and if he wasn’t there for you when you really needed him to be, then he’s a shitty husband. A marriage is supposed to be about teamwork and partnership.

Great that you’re starting a job. You need to start thinking about you and your needs. Does he pay maintenance? If not, get going with sorting it out. What about seeing the children? How old are they? Do you get any time to yourself? What about hobbies or interests or going to the gym? I know it’s early days but start prioritising you as it sounds like you never have done.

OP I am so sorry. It's tough. I have been through this myself and came out the other side. Stronger, and now with someone who loves me very much. I was married a very long time too. It definitely can be done. That I promise you. Once the grief and anger and confusion calm down and you see things more clearly then you will move forward more. It honestly just takes time. And...you have got yourself a job! You are doing better than you think. It's like any part of grieving, time and be kind to yourself.
However, I do think your husband has definitely had this woman waiting in the wings. Whether he was seeing her before you separated or started seeing her right after, he has been planning this. And you have been blindsighted.
Be cool with him, limited contact, be firm. Do not let him manipulate you into doing something you are not happy with. See a lawyer. Take bank statements, pensions, etc with you to see what you are entitled to. I wish you the best, it's damn hard but it most certainly gets easier x

X posted. No no, no more staying at yours. Arrange contact so she goes to see him. And stop hiding he’s got a gf. Stop protecting him. Stop facilitating him.

I also think this was planned but you're right hes not such a great catch ! In all they years he never once took me to the cinema, out for a meal , absolutely fuck all ! Excuse my language! I'm trying my best to make it easy for my daughter as she adores her daddy. He gives me 300 a month . Living at his mums ( supposedly ) so no other expenses ! Too proud to argue over money , let him spend it on OW ! While i struggle with his kids. He has to live with that. I'm just finding it hard to rebuild my life. I know its early days but i hate the way I'm feeling just now. Just want to fast forward.....

@tracy081276 I wouldn't say I'm through. Im 3 months in like you! I'm just forcing myself to get through! Someone said 'fake it to make it' and that's what I'm trying to do! I have good and bad times. Sometimes I feel I could take on the world and others I just want to curl up in my bed and stay there forever! The job will be so good for you!

Thanks hun. I'm pretty much the same. Some days i think it will be ok. Today a bad day. I'm so anxious that i bump into him and OW that I'd rather stay at home. Good luck to you hun and thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm normally so strong for everyone, not used to feeling so vulnerable! Xx