Devastated

[tracy081276]

Please can anyone give me hope that I'll be ok. I'm 42 and my partner left me after 23 years and 5 children together. This was 3 months ago. Initially i thought it would blow over and he'd be home. I thought he was depressed and needed a break. In the previous 4 years i have been through a lot emotionally. My mum died 4 years ago and i tried to resusitate her but i failed. I tried so hard. Then full hysterectomy so going through menopause for 3 years. He was never there to comfort me , i did everything round the house and for children. I think I'm having a breakdown . Trying to be positive for kids but feel like im dying. Hes now dating someone else. I'm sorry this post is all over the place . Just dont know what to write.

Lol that made me laugh might just try it ! I've told him hes to sleep on couch and not in my bed. I've told his mum , she just wants him to be happy !! Nice !! Dont want to hurt my daughter , shes a real daddys girl. Thats whats so difficult. Yes im on hrt but may need the dose upped ! He told me everything my fault , i treated him badly ! Sorry excuse for a man !

He shouldn’t be sleeping on the sofa, he shouldn’t even be staying at your house. There are ways he can see your DD without staying there.

I think you dodged a bullet op. Imagine your life with him for the next 23 years. Never taking you out, never caring about you or comforting you and ignoring 4 of your children. His new gf is welcome to him. He's only moving in because he can't look after himself and he has nowhere else to go. You should feel sorry for her! I expect it is daunting thinking of the future on your own but in a way it's always been like it. You have your own house, you can bring your children up without interference, less cooking and washing etc and most importantly of all have your self-respect and esteem restored. Get your finances sorted, pack his stuff up and look forward to your new adventure. Good luck

I hear what you are saying. My boys wouldn't see him otherwise. My daughter would be devastated if i stopped him staying. Its such an awkward situation. To be honest i enjoy the peace when at my sister's. Maybe its my way of hanging on to him ? I really dont know.

You need to stop making yourself responsible for his actions. There is nothing to stop him seeing the DC if he doesn't stay at yours. He could take them out for a day at the weekend, or they could stay with him where he is living. You do not need to have him in your house. If he decides not to bother with his own DC then they are probably better off without him, however painful that may be in the short term.

I really appreciate all your advise. Sometimes i think totally irrational and it helps to have other people's perspective on the situation. I'm truly touched by everyones support xx

OP pleased I made you laugh! Laughing is good when faced with a crap situation - along with rising above it and ignoring any rubbish that comes out of his mouth. Very standard unfortunately to blame the partner rather than taking responsibility

You sound like a brilliant mum and are doing the best you can for your kids.

You sound so strong and resourceful, tracy081276. You may not feel like that at the moment but that's how you come across. It's shit now, but it'll get better.

I sympathize with your desire to protect your DD but she's going to find out soon enough. Better it comes from you than she sees or overhears something that hurts her more.

You should listen to your sons and get out there and enjoy yourself. They sound like lovely young men...must have got that from you.

Get a lock on your bedroom door so he doesn't even go in there.

You're doing a good job in looking after your DCs interest.

It's your 13 yo I think this is having a massive impact on. Is there any way you can get him counselling via his school. The rejection and can't be bothered attitude from his dad is terrible. I hope your older boys are helping to look out for him where they can... I know it's not their responsibility...but you all being close to each other will get you through this.

A 48 yo man with 5 kids on £20k a year, who couldn't afford his own place is far from a catch.

I'm not advocating staying in a relationship if you aren't happy, but there are better ways of doing it.

Its my 13 year old i worry about too. He is currently on a waiting list for counselling. His initial appointment he spoke about resenting his sister because she gets all his dads attention. Thats heartbreaking to me. Yet was all my fault! I was never there! JOKE ! Never there because i was with his kids.! Every football match ME ....every bbj competition ME , every parents evening ME ! Every problem they have ME ! sorry realise that turned into a rant ......

Do not apologise for ranting! You go for it. Rant away. About time you did

Thanks hun. When you start sometimes you cant stop.....really hurting and bloody angry !! Blame me so he can justify his actions!! So i made him a bad parent ?? Give me a break !!

Good morning ladies. Can any of you wonderful people help me ? Again I'm struggling! I hate the feelings im having. Hard to focus on anything other than him and his new woman! Trying to get myself out and about but having panic attacks. He is not worth it ! Just no control. Sorry I'm needy , just no one to talk to.

Could you try a small outing, simply going to the local shops? Sorry if this is a silly suggestion but I found when I felt terribly low, if I could push through the awful feelings and get out, even for a short period of time, I felt better.

Do you like to cook? I find cooking helps me get my mind off bad feelings. I listen to music while cooking, glass of wine and it helps me.

Feel better soon

I do try , was out shopping and started hyperventilating! Bloody frustrating. I know I'm being totally irrational but i have no control over it ! Sometimes i feel like running, running far away. No man is worth that !

Self care may help a bit. Have a lovely scented bath if that appeals. Remember to eat even if you've no appetite. Soup or salad. Hunger makes everything worse.

Do you like doing something at home? Making jigsaws, doing puzzles, reading... Anything that's soothing and enjoyable.

You might find it useful to adopt concepts from AA (I'm a long time member). We say "stay in the day" and "this too will pass". Don't look forward, don't look back. Today is all you need to deal with at present.

To be honest time is the real answer. Keep saying "this too will pass" - because it will.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply hun, it means a lot. I keep telling myself this is a temporary faze that will pass but no escape from my mind ! I truly mean it when i say hes not worth it. But my confidence has been battered and I'm struggling. All the while hes with another woman!

Of course you're struggling. It's only natural. This bit of your life is bound to be shit and it may be easier if you just accept it. But it's always darkest before the dawn, as my.mum says, and you'll feel better soon. Just sit it out.

Have you got a friend or relative you can ask round to keep you company? Someone you can be truthful to about what you're going through? Because pretending won't help.

Just remind yourself that you're bound to feel crap but it won't last forever.

I imagine the DC don't give you much time to yourself. How's your 13 y.o doing? My heart went out to the poor kid. You are protecting your DD from her dad's appalling behaviour but eventually the truth will dawn for her too.

The other woman? Pah! I don't believe he only met her after he left you. The time scale is all wrong. But the sort of woman who gets involved with a man in his position is not worthy of a minute of your time. Bollocks to her.

Get sweary about the lowlife bitch. Get creative with your swearing. I don't swear much in real life but I've seen some really impressive swearing on Mumsnet.

My 13 year-old is doing ok. Hes away on a 2week holiday to Florida tomorrow with my sister. Will do him amazing! He told me this woman is someone he works with. Obviously got close while we were together! But like you say not worth my energy. I just cant stop obsessing of them together. I meant so little?? Was told " if he cant handle you at your worst he doesn't deserve you at your best " im holding on to that ! And hope his new " relationship " goes tits up !!

His Mum said what? What a total wimp! I'd go mental if my ds's did that. The apple din't fall far from that tree did it!

I know it's from the best of intentions, but you aren't doing your dd any favours by agreeing to ludicrous lies for her sake. You need your own space to recover which you won't get by letting him in your house. That's not in your dd's interest - to have a mum that's stuck in a limbo land of him still hanging around like a bad smell.

Your the mainstay of your family, it' s in all your dc's interests that you thrive as well as them.

Exactly! But wouldn't it be spiteful to tell my daughter he has a girlfriend? I really dont want to hurt her. She said to me today " daddy says he still loves you so why wont you let him move back in " An absolute coward! Dying to scream " daddy has someone else now ".....i thank you ladies so much. I really need this forum just now. Not got anyone .

Im currently sitting at the beach while hes at my house for an hour saying goodbye to my son. He says I'm unbelievable for questioning him !!! An absolute arsehole !

Im not trying to kick you while you're down, lovely, im really not but... you are being a doormat to him and your kids. Tell your DD that daddy is living with someone else. Tell your ex that he needs to grow the f*ck up and stop sponging off you. No more contact at your house - it is YOUR HOUSE!!! If that means he sulks and turns away from.his own children, well, so be it. Hes not a good man and hes not a good dad.

daddy says he still loves you so why wont you let him move back in "

OMG! Not only is he telling her lies and getting you to do so as well, but he's blaming you for him leaving? Your poor dd! So, not only has daddy left, but her Mum's a bitch too?

I'm lost for words, OP. You've been well and truly had.

He leaves, goes out with new gf straight away, pays hardly anything, sleeps in your bed.... AND it's all your fault?

In the morning you need to sit down with your dd and gently and calmly say that both of you love her v much, but daddy does not want to be your boyfriend anymore and has a new lady friend. Just that. Answer any questions factually and just let that sink in a little bit before mentioning anything more.

But she does need to start getting her head round the new situation or she won't be able to trust either of you when she realises she's been misled. Even at 7 she should be able to trust that you won't ouright lie to her about something so important.