Wife unable to be around my ex-girlfriend

[cornwall11]

My wife has a problem with my ex-girlfriend, so much so she finds it very uncomfortable to be in the same room as her and it is becoming a more serious problem between us.

Bit of background, I went out with my ex for 8 years and broke up 5 years ago. Since then I have married my DW, we have had a son and have another baby on the way. My ex has had twins and is happy and there is no bad feelings from anyone. Our split was fine and amicable, there was no infidelity and no overlap. However my DW is still extremely uncomfortable on the rare occasion when my ex is around at social occasions,

At a recent engagement party for my best friend, my parents and my ex were at they saw each other for the first time in five years since we broke up. They both said hello and Mum and my ex had a long conversation (20 mins). DW found this “disrespectful” in that my Mum didn’t consider her feelings in talking to my ex and that my parents have “gone down in her estimation” following this incident. She feels my parents should have shown her more loyalty and solidarity and stood by their daughter-in-law instead of being what DW considers “over the top friendly” with my ex.

We don’t see my ex on a regular basis so this isn’t a reoccurring issue, it only comes up at rare social occasions with shared friends, However DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited.

I try to empathise but I find it hard to understand how she still feels this way after 5 years together and it is causing issues between us.

Is she being irrational or is this an understandable way to feel in this situation?

Could someone help me understand what is causing the issue and how I can be more empathetic?

Your wife is jealous, paranoid and controlling and she’s a twat.

She's irrational. And I suspect this will get worse. Good luck, I think you may be in for a bumpy ride.

Do not give her an inch, she’s being hideously unreasonable and controlling too.

Seriously tell her to grow rhe fuck up and get a grip. What a ludicrous, childish, petty, jealous way to behave. She should be embarrassed.

Don't take this shit.

You say you broke up with your ex 5 years ago and have been with your wife 5 years was their an overlap?

Pink The OP says there was no overlap if you read it

I can't offer any strong advice, but didn't want to read and run.
From what you've said I suspect your dw is feeling a bit insecure about the ex, not sure what can be suggested to help tbh.

No overlap

Thanks for the replies so far. Any advice on why she feels this way and how I can empathise with her better?

She is being a twat. And your mum can talk to who she likes. In your shoes I’d go to the wedding without her!

You also need to have conversation about her insecurities otherwise this will be the thin end of the wedge

Serious talk time - everyone has a past and it's unreasonable to expect ex's to be treated like pariahs. Relationship counselling, perhaps?

I don't think empathising is the best course - it feeds into the irrationality and gives it credence.

She's being completely irrational. Can't see it working out that well tbh. Sorry.

Sorry but your wide sounds massively insecure. And yes, a bit of a twat for suggesting your Mum was 'disrespectful' for talking to your ex. How old is she? 14?

Does she think your ex is better looking/thinner/funnier/more attractive? Do you flirt with other women or give her any reason to feel insecure?

Agree that you shouldn't pander to it. You married HER, you split up with the ex. Maybe point this out.

*wife not wide! Oops.

Sorry @cornwall11 missed that. I did scour it twice to check as well. 😂
Have you asked your wife why she is so jealous. If you dont see her very often seems a bit pointless getting so worked up
if there hasnt ever been any real issue between them or falling out.
Do you think your wife has low self esteem?

Sounds jealous and controlling. Maybe low self esteem? Thing is, you're married to her not your ex... you are going home to her every day. Don't see her problem. I use to be like this with my current partner of 8 years, I grew my self esteem and feel so much better. It does go but she needs to work on herself. Good luck

I get the “bit uncomfortable around ex” thing. It can just be awkward if the only thing two people have in common is the (ex)partner.

But the “MIL should be loyal to me” bit is batshit.

Your wife is insecure. My husband was very good friends with his ex when we met. I couldn’t understand why he’d be with me and not her as she was more beautiful, more successful and generally just a lovelier, less flawed person than I was.

I never told my husband that I didn’t want him to see her (either individually or as part of a group), but seeing how it affected me he made the choice not to. I don’t think I would or could have stayed with him if their close friendship had continued though.

Totally my issue and neither of them did anything wrong, but it wouldn’t have been tolerable for me to feel like second best all the time.

Unless you DW is a complete psychopath it’s highly unlikely she hasn’t already told you why she has an issue with your Ex - or rather with you, that’s highlighted by your ex’s presence.

Do/did you bang on about your wonderful ex?
Have you ever made it seem like you’d still like to be with your ex/regret breaking up?
Have you had mentionitis about your Ex?
Is your ex ‘your tyoe’ And your wife not?

Contrary to much shitty male thinking women aren’t all psychopaths and are usually pretty good at spelling out the reason why someone or something is bothering them if anyone cares to LISTEN and not just dismiss them

You have been very good at getting the crowd of ‘bless the poor confused male with a nasty wife’ posters in your corner. It’s not helping you ( beyond your ego) to sort out this situation with your wife. You need to talk to her properly when you’re in a mind to listen not just tell her why she’s wrong. Ask her what it is about your ex/the situation that’s upsetting her. And LISTEN to what she says.

Sounds like your wife doesn't like that you have a past and wants to pretend there are no ex girlfriends. It's irrational and insecure on her part.

Do you still have feelings for your ex ?

Do not empathise with controlling behaviour, your wife is emotionally blackmailing you and being a complete dick.

Who broke up with who and what was the reason you and ex broke up? Did you speak about her too much with your DW?

If the way you tell this is not leaving a single thing out then your wife is a PITA.

Who are these people who can't accept that their partners had lives before they came along?