Wife unable to be around my ex-girlfriend

[cornwall11]

My wife has a problem with my ex-girlfriend, so much so she finds it very uncomfortable to be in the same room as her and it is becoming a more serious problem between us.

Bit of background, I went out with my ex for 8 years and broke up 5 years ago. Since then I have married my DW, we have had a son and have another baby on the way. My ex has had twins and is happy and there is no bad feelings from anyone. Our split was fine and amicable, there was no infidelity and no overlap. However my DW is still extremely uncomfortable on the rare occasion when my ex is around at social occasions,

At a recent engagement party for my best friend, my parents and my ex were at they saw each other for the first time in five years since we broke up. They both said hello and Mum and my ex had a long conversation (20 mins). DW found this “disrespectful” in that my Mum didn’t consider her feelings in talking to my ex and that my parents have “gone down in her estimation” following this incident. She feels my parents should have shown her more loyalty and solidarity and stood by their daughter-in-law instead of being what DW considers “over the top friendly” with my ex.

We don’t see my ex on a regular basis so this isn’t a reoccurring issue, it only comes up at rare social occasions with shared friends, However DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited.

I try to empathise but I find it hard to understand how she still feels this way after 5 years together and it is causing issues between us.

Is she being irrational or is this an understandable way to feel in this situation?

Could someone help me understand what is causing the issue and how I can be more empathetic?

I really have an issue with insecure people who feel that they can do nothing about they feel and expect everyone to not go on normally talking to those people who want to talk to, just so that the insecure person can go home feeling extra special because only they got the right attention.

We all have our insecurities and its up to us to rationalise them or accept them, not expect others, who are doing nothing wrong, to accommodate us.

I am going to go the other way here and say to some extent I can at least understand why your wife feels this way.

All these posters implying that the wife is being insecure and controlling am sure would feel equally uncomfortable if this happened to them, likewise if you were always coming across your wife's ex OP, I'm sure that subconsciously you would be measuring yourself up with him in some way, especially if your in laws appeared to gravitate towards him in a public setting and spent over 15 minutes catching up with him, can you not understand on 'some' level how that may feel disloyal?

Online we all pretend to be these rational, never jealous mature adults, but human nature is far from this, and I'm sure we have all acted in ways we later regret with some perspective

If I were the wife, I would want my husband to be understanding and reassuring not going online to make out that I am batshit!

No one feels comfortable when the ex is still part of an existing social circle, so to pretend otherwise is insincere

Online we all pretend to be these rational, never jealous mature adults, but human nature is far from this, and I'm sure we have all acted in ways we later regret with some perspective

Precisely.. and I think what’s not normal is “expecting” someone to be completely ok with it and having no interest in how this awkward situation makes them feel.

I’m not directing many of the things I said at the OP. I’m just scrutinizing the many opinions on here who have gone so precious against the wife inciting him to think she is controlling, so prematurely into the discussion. Which is not what he has asked for.

OP.. when a wife is pregnant it’s natural that her hormones make her super protective of her “nest” and see anyone who undermines it or competes with it as a potential threat. Bearing that in mind, I would go into this conversation realising that she isn’t “irrational”, she is protective of her little family and might be misunderstanding things and getting the wrong end of the stick, or indeed she might have a point that needs to be heard. You have a HUGE role to play in whether her insecurities play up or down. You sound like you want to do that so you will be fine.. speak to females in real life perhaps or friends for perspectives a story Mumsnetters can Be theoretical at times and Not measure against themselves

Well the OP has gone.

Thank you everyone for your replies! Particularly those helping suggest reasons for how she might be feeling as that helps a lot.

She really isn’t mental but is just severely uncomfortable around my ex and wishes he wasn’t still at social events and that she would stop coming to them. I can understand that she feels uncomfortable but I can’t stop my ex coming to things so we are stuck.

She would in fact be fine if I went to my friends wedding without her if it came to that which might make it easier anyway.

And those that suggested it might be partly because of pregnancy hormones may also be partly right as well which won’t be forever.

your wife is probably feeling very insecure and possibly unattractive as she is pregnant....obviously doesn't excuse her behaviour but I can totally sympathise with your dw....me and my husband have been married 10 years and I still get jealous when I see his ex (very rarely) I wouldn't have thought anyone would like to be in the same room as their dps ex let alone have to talk to them?

If it was 'you know what I know you guys have a past but sometimes at group events when she's there I feel like an outsider. I'd really appreciate some reassurance' would have my sympathy because I could understand that.

The giving grief over your parents speaking to your ex is way out of order. Equally the 'they've gone down in her estimations, should have shown loyalty to their daughter in law' smacks of superiority as in 'I have the ring therefore they should cater to my demands'. It's not a pleasant trait to have.

Equally, the 'I'm not going to your friends wedding if she's there' is manipulative. It doesn't mean I feel uncomfortable but go and have a good time. It means you better not go and I'll give you grief about how you picked her and your friends over me until you stop socialising with mutual friends because I'll get moody.

I'm of the view that if someone is feeling a bit sensitive and fragile then some TLC is needed but if they are being abusive or unreasonable then don't give an inch.

I can understand her feeling uncomfortable. If she doesn't feel entirely part of your group of friends I can imagine it's easy to focus on the ex as the issue.
The bit that's unforgivable is her expecting your mother to ignore your ex. To see her having a conversation with her as disloyal, and thinking less of her IS irrational and unfair.

The giving grief over your parents speaking to your ex is way out of order. Equally the 'they've gone down in her estimations, should have shown loyalty to their daughter in law' smacks of superiority as in 'I have the ring therefore they should cater to my demands'. It's not a pleasant trait to have.

A bright crimson flag for sure. Really nasty. Not sure I’d be too concerned about being ‘high’ in someone’s estimations who thought they had any say over who I spoke to!

EmeraldRubyShark
That was my thinking.
That's not the actions of someone who is feeling a little insecure and wants a bit of TLC or reassurance.

It's someone who feels entitled to dictate not only who their partner socialises with but who their parents speak to. It's quite manipulative and if a woman posted this saying her husband had behaved in this way the replies would echo the 'it's not ok' responses with a few more strong replies. I highly doubt anyone would be asking a female OP if she had actually checked her husband felt loved and wanted, was she actually enjoying the feeling of conflict because it boosts her ego etc.

I think whatever she said about your mother could be interpreted differently Based on:

1- her current dynamics with your mother and whether she feels respected/appreciated/acknowledged or whether this was a further dig.

2- the way in which the conversation between your family and the ex went and whether within this 20 mins your wife was being engaged/included/introduced/not ignored... as that would in fact be rude.

3- your ex is behavior around your wife, whether she was civil, respectful, acknowledged her and respected her as your now other half... and whether your family expected that of her or didn’t care..

4- hour relationship with your ex wife and whether you are over invested and have your own friendly group which you didn’t include your wife In.

I don’t think there is anyone abusing any privileged power here over the other... I’m sure the OP had snapped at his wife before and protested in ways that don’t reflect their usual behavior..

It would only be controlling if she does this uncontrollably and is manipulating him to get her way in most of his relationships with people.. but in this situation where an awkward dynamic is involved, id argue this is natural human behavior.

I kicked a small fuss when MIL told DH to invite his ex to our house when she doesn’t acknowledge me, and I kicked a bigger fuss when they started insisting as if my feelings don’t matter and started telling him it’s not my right.. and yes... I already have a difficult dynamic where mil one-ups me and rubs ex’s in my face snd puts me down and so I took this in a personal way and expected DH to stand up for me.. he did. And then I met the Ex in occasions and was friendly and respectful to her knowing that my DH understands exactly how I feel and had spoken to his family to be respectful of his marriage...

If there is boundaries no one needs to panick.. it is completely up to the man to ensure his family and him have proper boundaries around ex’s. And make sure that to the world the wife is known to the number one in the mans life and Insepersble.

It is possible that your wife was generally being irrational and had no basis for her behavior. But for I’d rather give her benefit of the doubt and cut her some slack first until proven innocent .

I don’t see any abuse of power or controlling behavior here.. just a woman desperate to protest about not being heard and just throwing tantrums which aren’t wisely edited, like many of us women do. Just check the AIBU section to see how Many of us have ability to be unreasonable at times.. this is not abuse..

until proven guilty

My ex's wife is just like this. Logged on to his fb account and blocked me, went ballistic at me because i said hello to him in passing and spread lies about me.

Shes a psycho.

Also, i was with him when she started shagging him, we were supposed best friends. So ya know 😬. Nut job

@IncrediblySadToo and @IABUQueen ODFOD. Both your posts have been vile to the OP. Have a word with yourself. If this was a woman posting the opposite I bet my life neither of you would consider the male's perspective.

Honestly, I despair on MN at times.

OP, I understand ex's being friends, I too am good friends with an ex because although we did not work out, it was an amicable end and he's a nice person. Similarly to you we have mutual friends and will bump into one another at events, we stay friendly and just have a mini catch up. My husband initially was a little insecure about it but has since understood the relationship and also speaks to my ex. I made a point to introduce to him all friends and ensure he was integrated into the group.

Is your wife unreasonable in other matters? Or is this the only big thing that makes her behave irrationally? Feeling insecure about an ex is very common, and sadly it does come down to our own insecurities. Of course, this is not the only case, some people are just unreasonable no matter what you do and are just controlling and vindictive.

You mentioned your wife feels like an outsider, would it be worth her getting to know your friendship group better without the ex being there? Maybe arranging something yourself so she can feel more welcome?

Your parent's did nothing wrong, so she is being unreasonable there, but it depends on the way she tells you this too. If she is lashing out and screaming and shouting then her reaction is just not acceptable. However, if she's trying to discuss this with you calmly to help you understand then it shows this is more about own insecurities than simply controlling behaviour.

Make time for her and sit her down to discuss exactly how she is feeling and ask her what it is that makes her feel this way. Also ask her what is it that you can do that is reasonable to help her feel better. Assure her you love her and that you are her priority.

Jealousy can be a hideous trait in a person and it does ruin relationships, but if you two do speak about your issues there may be a way to find a solution.

Communication is key here, both of you take time to speak and listen to one another.

Best of luck OP.

P.S. Ignore the man hating nonsense, some women on here are just horrendous like that, they cannot help themselves.

Your wife is VERY insecure.
She needs reassurance but this is NOT your fault. Her behaviour is childish and irrational, but it is how she feels.
Maybe she should get some counselling 🤷🏻‍♀️

You sound like a lovely DH by the way. I'm sure the two of you will work it out.

@ShatnersWig

You are 100% right about IABUQueen. Coming up with the OP being a perve out of nowhere and still saying it when pointed out. Nonsense.

I was gobsmacked when I read that.

@Sinkgirl

You say that when your ex is around she’s made to feel like an outsider - is there a reason she feels this way?

She is not made to feel like an outsider. She feels like an outsider.

The way you word it is as if other ppl are making her feel that way. It's her perception of the situation.

@Rabbiting0n

You have a DH problem. Your DH ignored you in favour of his Ex. Nothing like that happened with the OP..and her gripe is with her MIL.

If my DH told me my parents had gone down in his estimation, I'd tell him a few choice words. Bloody cheek.

Who does she think she is to say that..the Queen of Sheba or what.

Lots of people are suggesting hormones may be playing a part in this. I bet if the OP had suggested that in his post, he would have been flammed.

This isn't the first time his wife has been uncomfortable around the Ex and I doubt she was pregnant every other time.

While it's not a situation I'd be overly thrilled about, I would never say what she did about her MIL. It just comes across as thinking she's high and mighty.

At a recent engagement party for my best friend, my parents and my ex were at they saw each other for the first time in five years since we broke up. They both said hello and Mum and my ex had a long conversation (20 mins).
Did they have this conversation in front of your wife, so that she had to stand listening, or did she just see them talking?

Your wife has told you why she feels uncomfortable - because she feels excluded from your old friend group. Is there anything you could do about that?

My bf is very friendly with his exes, but as it happens I like them and get on well with them, so I can just join in the conversation and actually enjoy it - and it helps that they don't just talk about things I don't know. With my exh's family it was much harder as they were constantly talking about people I had never met, and his sister was quite unfriendly. Only little differences but if you don't get on well then it can be really uncomfortable if you're an anxious type.

The problem is one for your wife to deal with. Don’t pander to it.

I once met my ex SIL in front of my DBs new wife. We chatted and to be honest we were clearly more friendly than I am with the new wife. She noticed and when she did I disengaged. I think she was a little hurt and shocked.

I got on very well with the ex, it was that time of life when children brought you closer together. Whilst I have no issues with current I don’t see her as much. I don’t have the same relationship.

I think the OPs wife maybe could have had hurt feelings but she needs to learn to manage it.

My DW is very reasonable most of the time and has no problem with any other women or anything else for that matter, it is just mainly this one thing that she gets upset about.

She isn't expecting my PIL to completely blank my ex, but speaking to her in length and being all friendly really upset her. I think she sees it that if anyone who is super friendly with my ex can't be good friends with her and would have expected her family in law to have considered her feelings in doing this.

Her family in law presumably expect her to have a reasonably mature attitude to a long ago ex who has her own husband and family now.

I think she sees it that if anyone who is super friendly with my ex can't be good friends with her

I'm sorry but that IS unreasonable.

Not only unreasonable but immature and smacks of being totally self-absorbed. As you said, you can't stop your ex coming to events. So I think your DW needs to stop going to them if she's this irrational. It won't solve the problem but it might stop the drama.

I think she sees it that if anyone who is super friendly with my ex can't be good friends with her
You think that's how she sees it, or she has told you that? Maybe you need to have a more specific discussion - you might find out that one or both of you are making assumptions about what the other thinks.