Wife unable to be around my ex-girlfriend

[cornwall11]

My wife has a problem with my ex-girlfriend, so much so she finds it very uncomfortable to be in the same room as her and it is becoming a more serious problem between us.

Bit of background, I went out with my ex for 8 years and broke up 5 years ago. Since then I have married my DW, we have had a son and have another baby on the way. My ex has had twins and is happy and there is no bad feelings from anyone. Our split was fine and amicable, there was no infidelity and no overlap. However my DW is still extremely uncomfortable on the rare occasion when my ex is around at social occasions,

At a recent engagement party for my best friend, my parents and my ex were at they saw each other for the first time in five years since we broke up. They both said hello and Mum and my ex had a long conversation (20 mins). DW found this “disrespectful” in that my Mum didn’t consider her feelings in talking to my ex and that my parents have “gone down in her estimation” following this incident. She feels my parents should have shown her more loyalty and solidarity and stood by their daughter-in-law instead of being what DW considers “over the top friendly” with my ex.

We don’t see my ex on a regular basis so this isn’t a reoccurring issue, it only comes up at rare social occasions with shared friends, However DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited.

I try to empathise but I find it hard to understand how she still feels this way after 5 years together and it is causing issues between us.

Is she being irrational or is this an understandable way to feel in this situation?

Could someone help me understand what is causing the issue and how I can be more empathetic?

Your wife is being ridiculous. Quite frankly I would just go to these social occasions without her rather than have her sitting there giving you a hard time.

Ask her OP. Pp on here are pigeonholing your wife and killing any room for a healthy discussion. Because they’re too absorbed with proving they don’t have double standards between men and women doing the same thing they’re failing to see how the dynamic in most cases of women suffering from this is completely different.

Ask her and find out whether she in general feels she has a healthy relationship with your family... and whether she feels the ex is not recognising her as your significant other.. or your friends are still treating you and ex like a “thing” which is undermining your relationship with wife..

Or whether she regrets what she said because she was feeling all emotional and hormonal.. and maybe she is ready to just chat.

Really.., that’s exactly what I would do with my husband.

And I’m sorry if it came across as I’m calling you a perve. I wasn’t.. but I’ve tried explaining.

Poor woman - she's not even posting on here and getting the shit kicked out of her by all the "red flaggers"

@TheStuffedPenguin The same could be said for every single other half, DP, SO, DW, DH that people come on the Relationships board to ask about or vent about.

@IABUQueen Disingenuous much?

Not RTFT.
Your wife minds. I would too. It would be irrational and be because of insecurity but that's just how it is.
You could reassure your wife that your ex is part of your past but that DW is your here and now and that she's your future.
She needs to accept that you and your parents are not disrespecting her, and you need to accept that she has these feelings.
Ultimately, she has to overcome the feelings or avoid the social situations.
She's choosing to avoid them.
I think you have to let her. She is being unreasonable but it's how she feels.

She isn't expecting my PIL to completely blank my ex, but speaking to her in length and being all friendly really upset her. I think she sees it that if anyone who is super friendly with my ex can't be good friends with her
Life isn't the playground where the queen bee gets to decide who everyone is speaking to this week.

She needs to get a grip. People have lives before they meet their partners. They might have old friends they slept with as college students or an ex that met the family and some shared social groups. Anyone who can't get over that (male or female) needs to focus on themselves and deal with their insecurity instead of expecting the world to cater to their wants.

Life isn't the playground where the queen bee gets to decide who everyone is speaking to this week.

What made you decide that she is a queen bee? What if the MIL or the ex were being queen bees around her and she feels unable to handle it ?

Queen bees have traits that are apparent in all their relationships. This woman is reasonable as her husband described her with all his other relations..

This is just a woman struggling to express her frustration and wanting her husband to understand that she wants her feelings respected. She has done nothing spiteful or manipulative for such accusations thrown at her.

IABUQueen
As I said up thread, i totally empathise with feeling a bit insecure or wanting reassurance.

However there is a difference between:

1. DP, I get you guys have a past and it was years ago but I feel a bit insecure about the fact your social circles overlap. I could do with a bit of reassurance and sometimes I'd prefer it if I could stay home.

And

1. I'm not happy about you and your ex having any friends in common, I'm not happy about going to events, I'm going to refuse to attend your friend's wedding if she is there, I'm also in a mood because your parents had the nerve to speak to her and talk for 20 minutes (because shock horror his parents might actually get on with someone he spent years with), I have the ring and am their daughter in law so they should work out that I think it's not on they speak to her, your parents should have put me first and now they've spoken to her they've gone down in my estimations.

One is being a little insecure and it's a bit irrational given that people have pasts, and the other is being unreasonable, moody and dramatic over what is essentially '2 adults ended a relationship without having a massive falling out, their friendship circle has adjusted, both adults have moved on with new romantic relationships & his parents and ex have a friendly conversation'

I think everyone can empathise with insecurities.
But I agree with Lola. She hasnt asked for empathy or sympathy or reassurance. Shes shown a complete lack of empathy herself by wishing to ostracise the ex from a social circle she was part of first.

She isnt going out of her way to attend the same social events or it would happen more. A woman from my partners past does it. She has moved away and suddenly is using the excuse of family shes ignored for years to visit frequently and "pop in" to the places she knows we will be.

I know what it does to you emotionally and mentally it's awful.

But that doesnt happen around the ones we bump into under normal social circumstances.

Whatever the motivation - maybe it just is emotions, maybe it is irrational jealousy, maybe she is controlling and paranoid, whatever the motivation it doesnt change the fact that her demands are actually unreasonable and far more unfair on the people around her. Especially the line about the parents.

One of my exs parents do treat me differently. And are all over my exs partner. But they were with me too and slagged off his ex before me. I just feel sorry for her to be honest because she probably deserves it way less than I did shes actually lovely, but exs mum is an absolute prick to be honest and will find something.

I literally just laugh in her face when she walks past me in town with her nose in the air side eyeing me. I have far more respect for my other exs parents, who have always treated me fairly, listened even when I've been wrong, apologised sincerely when theyve been wrong and generally been an absolute pleasure to have had in my life.

I also dont get the loyalty and respect bit. She owes your wife neither. So what if your mother does like your ex more? I'm sure my partners mum gets along with his ex more than she would me. They're the same type of person. The first time my partner met my dad I was completely pushed out because they both like a lot of the same TV shows and both have military backgrounds.

I've never seen my partner have a conversation like that with his own dad and I wouldnt expect it to change if we split up.

"She has done nothing spiteful or manipulative for such accusations thrown at her."

Not spiteful, but she seems to be trying to get her PiLs not to talk to this ex for more than a few seconds at a time. Is she asking them directly or is she putting pressure on her husband to do the asking? That is manipulative in my book.

Is she depressed? Has she always been difficult about stuff? Is this an unusual type of behaviour for her?

DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited
I would suggest you go on your own.

But she could have pre-natal depression.
Will she have a rational conversation about all of this?
She must know she is being a bit unreasonable about all of this.
But a proper talk might help you see her point of view.

@TheStuffedPenguin The same could be said for every single other half, DP, SO, DW, DH that people come on the Relationships board to ask about or vent about.

I think I actually am annoyed at her DH for posting such a wimpy and unsupportive thread on MN when he should be making positive moves to resolve this . He asks for help to understand ..where is he?

TheStuffedPenguin If you'd actually read the full thread you can see he has replied several times. I look forward to you replying to some women on MN in future saying how annoyed you are at them for posting a wimpy unsupportive thread. Idiot.

TheStuffedPenguin If you'd actually read the full thread you can see he has replied several times. I look forward to you replying to some women on MN in future saying how annoyed you are at them for posting a wimpy unsupportive thread. Idiot.

Shatner's wig - you must have a very weird and unsatisfying life if you are writing about looking forward to that . Good God !

I am sure your DW has many good qualities and after all none of us our perfect. I'm sure you have a few insecurities of your own if this is all you have to worry about then you are lucky.

What is your parent's relationship like with your DW? Do they get on, do they have lengthy chats? Does your wife feel that they prefer your ex rather than her?