Wife unable to be around my ex-girlfriend

[cornwall11]

My wife has a problem with my ex-girlfriend, so much so she finds it very uncomfortable to be in the same room as her and it is becoming a more serious problem between us.

Bit of background, I went out with my ex for 8 years and broke up 5 years ago. Since then I have married my DW, we have had a son and have another baby on the way. My ex has had twins and is happy and there is no bad feelings from anyone. Our split was fine and amicable, there was no infidelity and no overlap. However my DW is still extremely uncomfortable on the rare occasion when my ex is around at social occasions,

At a recent engagement party for my best friend, my parents and my ex were at they saw each other for the first time in five years since we broke up. They both said hello and Mum and my ex had a long conversation (20 mins). DW found this “disrespectful” in that my Mum didn’t consider her feelings in talking to my ex and that my parents have “gone down in her estimation” following this incident. She feels my parents should have shown her more loyalty and solidarity and stood by their daughter-in-law instead of being what DW considers “over the top friendly” with my ex.

We don’t see my ex on a regular basis so this isn’t a reoccurring issue, it only comes up at rare social occasions with shared friends, However DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited.

I try to empathise but I find it hard to understand how she still feels this way after 5 years together and it is causing issues between us.

Is she being irrational or is this an understandable way to feel in this situation?

Could someone help me understand what is causing the issue and how I can be more empathetic?

She says when my ex is there it makes her feel like an outsider in the friendship group, and that she isn’t really welcome

I think this comment is very telling and shouldn't be ignored OP.

you need to get to the bottom of why she feels like she's on the outside in her own family unit ? She feels your Mother exasperated these feelings by spending a large amount of time with your Ex instead of your Wife, right? Why ? has there ever been a confrontation or comments made to your Wife that made her feel she is second choice in your family ?

You need to find out why she feels so low in the pecking order so much so that she won't attend any family events ever again, which might grow arms and legs and then your children won't be able to attend family events?

It might seem silly and immature, but her feelings are painfully real and upsetting her. You need to find out what started this.

I think you need to suggest counselling. She's clearly got things way out of proportion here. She also must be very unhappy, so if she resists the idea of counselling, maybe you could stress that part of it.

As for her attitude to your mum, there is absolutely no excuse for that. Your mum can talk to whoever she wants, and that needs spelling out. Talking to one person doesn't imply disdain for another.

I actually feel sorry for your DW. Yes, she's being unreasonable but I can see myself being like that too and I get why she hates it. It is borne of insecurity but that doesn't make it any less unpleasant for her. I don't think you should budge on this as you've done nothing wrong but try to stay compassionate and reassure her that you love her more than you ever loved your ex. You sound like a very kind man, so just keep being yourself.

Does your wife suffer from anxiety?

You cannot and should not try to force her into going somewhere she doesn’t want to go

I don't think the OP is even considering that Ivana. Where has he even suggested he would try to do this?

I suspect there will be hell to pay if he decides to go without her.

How does your DW get on with your DPs?
How does she get on with your DFs and their partners?
How does she get on with her own family, work colleagues and friends?

Is she generally sensitive or anxious?

I actually feel sorry for your DW. Yes, she's being unreasonable but I can see myself being like that too and I get why she hates it.

Exact. Clearly he is on a forum for mums because he wants to find ways to empathize with his pregnant wife.

I can honestly see myself in her shoes behaving similar. And I can honestly say I hope my DH wouldn’t be coming calling me controlling or irrational.. it’s humiliating enough to let him into the insecurity I’m feeling..

I would hope he would say things that would make me feel like I’m his number one.. and get to the bottom of why she feels his family have undermined her...

Then talking to the girl isn’t wrong. But whether they did it in a respectful way is something they should figure out.. it’s not impossible that they were undermining... or the ex was.

And I can honestly say I hope my DH wouldn’t be coming calling me controlling or irrational

He hasn't at any time called his wife controlling. Not once. Or even suggested it.

He hasn't actually called her irrational. He has asked others IF she is irrational.

So the PIL should just say "hello" and then blank the ex, someone they knew well (one assumes) for eight years and haven't seen in five? Now that WOULD be disrespectful.

Chatting to someone you've not seen for years is UNDERMINING?
She is judging the OPs parents for daring to speak to someone she has taken against for no good reason whatsoever. The OP needs to work out if his parents were disrespecting his wife for daring to be a bit friendly to someone? Please.

Your wife's pregnant to be fair - that can do all sorts of things to a person, emotionally speaking. Maybe try and talk to her when she's calm and establish if this is her true feelings.

I hate family gatherings for this exact sort of thing. Me and the sils partner are basically the outsiders looking into someone else’s family. The elders gather and demand your acceptance on the invite unless you have a bloody good reason otherwise.

The family talk about things from way before we knew them and little in jokes etc while me and Tim just sit there and smile and nod listening to the stories. Because its always about the past or manages to relate back to do you remember when even when it’s about a holiday from last week.

I got it in the neck from dh about being antisocial as I got up and took myself off out of it. Still close by but say just relaxing in a chair in an empty room. I quite bluntly told him that I didn’t care what he thought about my removing myself from the room when frankly he hadn’t given a crap about me just sat there listening to all that while he gets to be the child in the family again.

Based on what you’ve written here, she sounds irrational and out of order. But it’s very hard to tell from one side of the story - either she’s extremely unreasonable or there’s much more to this.

I wonder what sort of post she would write about this situation - her words seem quite extreme if there’s really nothing underneath this. Maybe she’s crazy and controlling. Maybe not.

You say that when your ex is around she’s made to feel like an outsider - is there a reason she feels this way? Were you and your ex part of a large group of friends and she doesn’t know them well, so you all get on and exclude her? Does she get on well with your mum, or is she standoffish with your wife but overly nice to your ex in front of her?

It’s very hard to judge without hearing her side. Something about your tone in the first post says that you believe she’s very out of order while your words say otherwise, which gives me a feeling there’s more to this, but that’s just a hunch.

Dont empathise with abusive behaviour. She absolutely will stop coming to social events and when you dont follow and obey she will ramp it up with accusations about you going because those slags/sluts/whores are there until you get ground down enough to just stop going to avoid it.

So why should she be expected to, Would you feel totally at ease with her ex boyfriends around. Cut her some slack its likely very hard situation. I for one have never met the mum. I have been looking after the boy when he comes (7) for a year or so now and will probably never meet. And we are getting married this year. And still have no plans for her there. You need to stop giving out at the poor woman.

Let her be uncomfy and give her some support. I think you have unrealistic expectations of human behavior OP.

If you don’t see each other often you need to get over it. Too much drama from your past. Think about it this way, Animals and nearly all species in the world build a nest for their family or whatever you want to name it here. They DON’T have other animals coming into their nest. Its only recent in evolutionary terms that we have to blend families and accept another in the nest. This was thousands and millions of years , however long humans have walked the earth and it wont change in 100 years. It will take time. So our natural feelings are resentment and the fact that they shouldn’t be there.

Don’t put your wife in a unnatural situation in Species terms and expect her to play happy families. Its just not going to happen easy, whether it be 5 years or 50. Give her a break.

I totally get where your DW is coming from, and I'm not a jealous, psycho woman, as some have implied one must be in order to think that way.

My DH's ex is a school friend, and so friends with all DH's childhood friends.

The first time I met her, I didn't know who she was, so I know that I was nothing but normal. No subconscious jealously or insecurity. I said hello to her and she blanked me. DH's friends weren't welcoming. When the friends and the ex were there together it was very cliquey and isolating, and DH was too passive/oblivious to notice or do anything about it. I refused to have her at our wedding. Not because I was jealous or insecure, but because she clearly had no desire to be civil.

We once saw her at another friend's wedding. DH's ex, despite being engaged herself, glued herself to his side all night. I knew no one as even after years together, his friends wouldn't talk to me unless it was a joint conversion with DH.

Th ex was unnecessarily familiar, given they hadn't spoken for years by then, and when DH did make time to sit with me, she called him away, pulled out one free chair for him and asked him to join her. He didn't want to offend, so he sat with her, leaving me completely on my own.

She knew exactly what she was doing. I've not seen her since, but I wouldn't go to any event she was going to. I wouldn't want DH to go, and I wouldn't want my MiL to go out of her way to be friendly with her.

It's very hard when you are the outsider, and the ex is an insider amongst friends. If friends don't include you, (DH's never have), but sit around laughing and joking with the ex, and your DH, as part of that group, joins in, you feel ostracised. From experience, the friends and ex set the tone. If your wife is struggling, look at what's going on around her, rather than at her, herself.

Did you meet your ex at uni and for 8years have the same friendship group and joint friends, go on night out together etc

RabbitingOn makes a very valid point and even I’d feel annoyed/ostracised in that type of situation and I’m very secure/outgoing. How unfriendly. So rude to just pull out one chair.

From experience, the friends and ex set the tone

No they don't. Your partner does. They make sure you're included. I'm sorry your partner and his friends treat you as they do, but putting him sitting next to her and leaving you alone as not wishing to offend is bullshit. Unless he is not neuro typical then he knew fine well what he was doing and chose to do it to You anyway, he sat with her and ignored you because that's exactly what he wished to do.

Don't blame others for his shitty treatment of you.

@cornwall11 if you are really honest with yourself,

1. are you sure you don't get secretly off on being the focus of the tension?

1. are you sure you don't play on the old ego trip of it a bit?

1. are you SURE that you have reassured your wife that she is your girl and the one and you are lucky to have found her, do you reminisce about when you met her? Do you stay by her at the social gatherings and the memories of all the times when she wasn't there?

If you genuinely do all these things and more, then she needs to get a grip.

Agreed exactly with ScreamingLadySutch - there is almost certainly two sides to the story here and I'm not certain that cornwall11 is totally the innocent party here.

My DGF and his ex wife (my nana) divorced and remarried. In fact DGF/nana (his ex wife) was invited to family parties with new wives/husbands (step grandparents).

Yet still sometimes there was the odd slight 'jealousy making comment/behaviour' especially from my DGF - designed to wind his wife (my step DGM) up a bit. we would always pull them all up over it but my DM wanted both her parents at various family birthday parties.

So I'd really think OP if you are not doing 1., 2 and 3 as per ScreamingLadySutch's post.

The phrase ‘gone down in her estimation’ really made me shudder. She’s so contemptuous. Not a ‘I know it’s silly babe but I feel really shit when I see ex and I really wish she wasn’t still part of our lives’, but acting superior/high and mighty like her opinion is objectively the right one and your parents have misstepped in speaking to a woman who used to be their daughter in (almost) law for eight years?

She’s not only trying to control you (with her ‘I’m not going if she is’, guarantee she doesn’t mean ‘you can go but I won’t’, she’ll give you hell if you do), she’s trying to imply she has any say over whether your parents speak to your ex as well. That’s fucked up. It’s not like your parents are having ex over every week for Sunday dinner, they’re catching up with her at an event for twenty minutes!

Do NOT give in to this, it won’t stop, she’ll know she can get away with it and it won’t get any better, until you’re isolated from your long-standing friendship group just in case ex shows up. She’s a grown woman, she needs to pull her big girl pants up, accept you and everyone else has a past, and either choose not to attend (not give you shit if you do) or go and be polite and understand she has absolutely no standing to be trying to pass judgment on your own parents’ socialisation! What a nightmare. She sounds awful.

Wait - hang on a second here - your ex-GF has twins but they're not yours? Why the hell is she coming to your family parties (despite the history etc) at all?

There is really no reason for her to come to family parties (unless they're very occasionally and casual) in my book unless kids between you and her are involved and your DW especially after recently having a new baby is bound to be put out by seeing your ex-GF there. Some people aren't comfortable with ex-GF/BF being friends with an ex, some are fine with it. She's obviously not fine and that's her perogative. In time maybe she would be ok. Your ex-GF can socialise with your parents without you and your DW being there.

I suspect there will be hell to pay if he decides to go without her.

You have absolutely no reason to suspect this.

Wait - hang on a second here - your ex-GF has twins but they're not yours? Why the hell is she coming to your family parties (despite the history etc) at all?

Where are you getting that she’s attending family parties from?

I wonder if there might be a way to bring your wife and your ex closer together with a view to maybe even becoming friends once the perceived issues (on your wife's part in the main) have been discussed. It doesn't sound like your ex would take pleasure from your wife's insecurities and might even help to dispel them. I don't think your wife is being nasty or a twat...we all have our trigger points for emotions and it's more important to address the future in a way that will build trust rather than just label your wife or tell her to grow up. Humans are complex and this situation clearly makes her uncomfortable.

IvanaPee it’s the way she’s reacted to his parents that makes me suspect she’s not exactly gonna wave OP off with a kiss telling him to enjoy himself.

TheCatThatDanced you are getting your knickers in a twist over nothing. No one mentioned family events. The rare social gatherings mentioned are social events where both the OP and the ex-GF know people and are invited. It's insane to think you and your entire family should cut off an entire social group because an ex is part of that group. OPs DW is a self centred nutter.