Wife unable to be around my ex-girlfriend

[cornwall11]

My wife has a problem with my ex-girlfriend, so much so she finds it very uncomfortable to be in the same room as her and it is becoming a more serious problem between us.

Bit of background, I went out with my ex for 8 years and broke up 5 years ago. Since then I have married my DW, we have had a son and have another baby on the way. My ex has had twins and is happy and there is no bad feelings from anyone. Our split was fine and amicable, there was no infidelity and no overlap. However my DW is still extremely uncomfortable on the rare occasion when my ex is around at social occasions,

At a recent engagement party for my best friend, my parents and my ex were at they saw each other for the first time in five years since we broke up. They both said hello and Mum and my ex had a long conversation (20 mins). DW found this “disrespectful” in that my Mum didn’t consider her feelings in talking to my ex and that my parents have “gone down in her estimation” following this incident. She feels my parents should have shown her more loyalty and solidarity and stood by their daughter-in-law instead of being what DW considers “over the top friendly” with my ex.

We don’t see my ex on a regular basis so this isn’t a reoccurring issue, it only comes up at rare social occasions with shared friends, However DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited.

I try to empathise but I find it hard to understand how she still feels this way after 5 years together and it is causing issues between us.

Is she being irrational or is this an understandable way to feel in this situation?

Could someone help me understand what is causing the issue and how I can be more empathetic?

Also depends on the behavior of your mother around the ex. Was she totally blanking your wife And all over the ex??

If she knows that your wife knows about the ex, I would imagine she could be a bit reassuring after. Speaking to your wife and introducing her or speaking to her afterwards and so on..

My Dh has a girl that loved loved him. She kept pursuing him after our marriage.. I’m amicable and don’t mind being around her and being friendly with her because I know DH does not like her and I don’t feel insecure around her.. (she isn’t his type).

I agreed to go meet her And for him to invite her and his family all out because she came to visit from abroad. But I wasn’t comfortable about it and be DH reassured me that he is doing this out of obligation and that he respects how I feel and that she had disrespected my relationship with him.. he makes sure he talks well of me in front of her and so on so she doesn’t try her chances again.

When my MIL started pushing DH to invite her in person to his house... that’s when I felt MIL and SIL disrespected my presence.. and yes, they should have loyalty to me by not encouraging DH to pursue unnecessary personal interaction as meeting out as a family was enough.

Plz examine whether you have behaved candidly and empathetically as well as your family before you judge

Pretty sure that the only person who should have any feelings about your mum talking to your ex is you! If you don't have an issue with it then I don't see a problem.

Your wife sounds very jealous and controlling. Be clear with her that you won't tolerate it.

Your wife sounds very insecure.

Does she suspect you of wanting to go back to your ex? Does DW think your ex is better looking? Have you cheated on anyone, ever, that DW knows about? That doesn't make her any less unreasonable, it just might be something that she's become paranoid about.

Your parents did nothing wrong and it wasn't disrespectful at all. I would say if you were close friends with your ex, I could understand some discomfort but it sounds like you and she don't really have any kind of relationship any more.

Ultimately this is about DW, not you or your ex. How does she explain her jealousy?

@IncrediblySadToo thank you for your response. It wasn't my intention to get all the 'nasty wife' posters in my corner and am actually surprised by almost unanimous nature of the responses.

In answer to your questions, I don’t bang on about my ex, there is no regret at breaking up with her and I am 100% in the right relationship now and I never mention my ex as I know if makes DW upset.

I have asked DW what it is about the situation that is upsetting. She says when my ex is makes her feel like an outsider in the friendship group, and that she isn’t really welcome. This most recent incident made her feel like an outsider in her own family which particularly upset her.

I do agree I need to speak to her more to find out if there is anything else that is upsetting her more and listen to what she says.

Does your ex ignore her existence while she says hello to you and speak to you forever? Do you guys talk about topics that essentially exclude DW a a make her feel like an outsider? Does she put effort to acknowledge your DW and be civil and respectful?

You have been very good at getting the crowd of ‘bless the poor confused male with a nasty wife’ posters in your corner. It’s not helping you ( beyond your ego) to sort out this situation with your wife.

FFS.

@cornwall11 has your DW always been like this or has it been just since this last event? I only ask because you mention in your OP that you have another baby on the way, and there could be a good deal of hormones / stress / tiredness that are having an effect on how she's feeling?

It's always awkward when exes and currents are in situations together, but it sounds like it doesn't happen too often.

Regarding the MIL incident, I suppose it depends if your PILs treat your DW any differently to how they did your ex. If your ex and you were together for 8 years, it's understandable that your MIL might want to catch up, but I can understand your DW feeling uncomfortable about it.

It might not be rational, it might not be "the right way to feel", but the fact is, she's feeling it, so rather than invalidate her feelings, just talk to her about it, let her know that you are open to discussing ways to overcome it. Just let her know she is being heard.

FWIW, my now-ex MIL used to spend a lot of time with XH's ex girlfriend, and it always made me feel like crap.

I honestly think we can’t judge from one side of this. Insecurity could sometimes be justified and sometimes not.

Also... I feel if there is history that the wife has been feeling insecure about a certain person I do believe just out of respect for her feelings that no unnecessary interactions occur. I don’t find that controlling.

I had an ex fiancé who I broke up with and I feel DH is insecure about and I ignored him twice when I met him at an event because DH wasn’t there and I didn’t feel ok to make him insecure when I tell him about it. He wouldn’t make a huge fuss but I know deep down it would make him insecure and just out of courtesy...

Eeh I don't think your wife is controlling, I even understand her a little. If she feels insecure, also in relation to your dm, social functions can feel like rubbing her nose in it, so to speak. Perhaps she doesn't like your ex very much, you don't know what 'wipe' your ex has conveyed in the past. Perhaps your dw feels you, your friends and now your parents treat ex better, as the 'star' you lost.
But she should be able to attend functions where she doesn't have to interact with ex, perhaps you should consider how much attention you give ex compared to your family.
But talk to her in an understanding way, not confrontational.
Best if luck.

Your wife sounds hideous

Unless you DW is a complete psychopath it’s highly unlikely she hasn’t already told you why she has an issue with your Ex - or rather with you, that’s highlighted by your ex’s presence

That's just such total shit, IncrediblySadToo, because it was the OP's mum that she was taking particular umbrage with, not the OP. Apparently her parents in law have gone down in her estimation for DARING to have a conversation with someone they haven't seen for 5 years but who they knew very well for eight. That's got fuck all to do with the OP and your attempts to paint him in a bad light or make it some form of sexist issue.

You DW is behaving irrationally. I got drunk at a wedding with DH's Ex-W because why not? She's nice, he's nice, I'm nice - when things just end and there's nobody at fault, it should be extremely easy to be adult about it all.

If it's all as amicable as you say it was with your ex-GF, then I'd hazard a guess that your DW's insecurity isn't related to your marriage, but perhaps to a previous relationship when an Ex caused issues for a relationship she was in.

Either way, you need to speak to her and try to get to the bottom of what's making her feel like this.

Either way, you need to speak to her and try to get to the bottom of what's making her feel like this.

Just not with the judge mental attitude of making her feel irrational because that will be further dismissive of her need to be reassured by you. She deserves to feel secure about the relationship..

What happens to women trusting their guts ?? She just isn’t expressing herself very well perhaps and not necessarily controlling.

If she is generally like that about all women around u then it’s controlling or you are a perve. If it’s just one specific person then surely there is More to it ?!

For your wife to be that insecure about your parents and your ex suggests that she is fundamentally not secure in her relationship with your parents.

How do your parents get on with your wife?

Are there underlying issues between your mum and your wife eg does your mum make your wife feel that she’s not good enough for you or have they locked horns about your children?

Seems like there’s more to it for your wife to have such an extreme reaction?

But if there genuinely isn’t, she sounds pretty high maintenance and you should show her this thread.

IABUQueen What have I just read? If she is generally like that about all women around u then it’s controlling or you are a perve. If it’s just one specific person then surely there is More to it

Seriously? What is WRONG with people today? The OP is a perve because his wife has an issue with his parents choosing to speak to who the hell they like???

Shanters sorry my bad.

If she has a problem with a lot of his interactions with women, then it is either because she is controlling and toxic OR because he is a perve who sees women in a sexual way and compares them to her and makes her insecure.

I’m not blaming him I’m stating that there are many possibilities that should be considered.. we don’t know him or his wife and so telling him his wife is hideous and controlling before this is examined isn’t helping.

Does she have an issue with you talking to women in general or just this ex? It sounds like she’s insecure and has a fragile ego. This is a very tricky situation for you because she’s got the green eyed monster and there is no logic behind it. Don’t let her come between you and your friends though! She cannot demand that your best friend doesn’t invite her to the wedding!! That’s not her call and it’s totally unacceptable. You must still go and she’s going to have to come or stay home. I think you should find a good therapist for her to go talk to once a week. This really isn’t your issue to solve. You’ve done nothing wrong. She needs help with her self esteem. She has to fix this.

The ops wife’s feels like the outsider his said that. I’m sure most of us would if we where at events with family and friends who had/have a much longer relationship with the ex and are still on friendly terms.

It’s like being the only person not in on the secret. Those ah remember when moments etc. She’s feeling like friend on the outside looking in to someone else’s family, relationship.

IABUQueen Why are you making reference to things that aren't mentioned anywhere in the OP? I never see you do that with female posters, where you automatically assume things not specified.

The original post is almost wholly about the OPs parents and not about the OP. But you've ignored that totally. You've made it all about the OP and presumably his behaviour which we know nothing about.

Even when I point this out to you, you repeat your assertion that he is probably at fault for being a perve who compares other women to his wife.

And yes, you ARE blaming him. As with ANY poster, we have to go with the information they give us, rather than read things that aren't there or in this case ignore the things that are there. If this was a female poster talking about her husband, there is absolutely no way you'd be blaming her or implying she was a perve or that she compares him to other men.

Why are you making reference to things that aren't mentioned anywhere in the OP?

Like what?

I’m discussing the difference between a controlling wife, and a wife who has justified insecurities that could be dealt with by a non judge-mental conversation.

My DH Is insecure about a certain guy... if I keep being dismissive and pushy about it he might snap and say he never wants to go to those events.. I still don’t think that’s controlling.. just emotional and desperate for reassurance.

And I do think his family could be considerate to her feelings. Maybe they were and maybe they weren’t. But it’s a valid point he should look into. Applies to both.

If I don’t behave the same with female posters, that’s a shortcoming on my behalf. I’m trying to be fair.

Is she generally anxious? My mum has generalised anxiety disorder and she gets like this sometimes.

She feels this way because she has low-self esteem and perhaps needs a hobby or something to make her feel like she's valid.

On the face of it your wife sounds ridiculous!

Is ex GF a big part of your friendship group? Did your mum idolize her?

I wonder if she’s made to fee “less than”. If you and ex were perfect together in the eyes of your friends and family, maybe that’s why your wife feels the way she does?

Would your parents have ever said anything like that to her? Do they a photo up of you and ex together?

I’m just trying to figure out the thought process!

However DW is threatening not to come to future social events if my ex is there and saying she won’t come to my best friend’s wedding if my ex is invited.

This bit though I want to comment on specifically.

You cannot and should not try to force her into going somewhere she doesn’t want to go.

As I said, it seems silly to me but you still can’t make her! So you might need to just accept that!

If there are no kids then you shouldn't really ever have to see your ex. As long as you're not seeking her out/ don't invite her to anything then she just needs to tolerate the few occasions you do. If on the other hand you have ' remained friends' then you need to take a big step back out of respect for your wife.

Like what?

Well, rather than asking "Is she like this around any other women?" you put it this way "If she is generally like that about all women around u then it’s controlling or you are a perve"

The whole post is about her attitude to this one woman whom they hardly ever bump into. I'm sure if she had issues with other women, he'd have mentioned it.

So, this business about "family being considerate to her feelings"? Her PIL have to ignore or blank this woman, do they? She's trying to blackmail her DP into either not attending his best friend's wedding, or hoping her DP will try and talk his best friend out of inviting the ex. That's controlling. End of. Regardless of insecurities. If we were talking about a man doing that, not one poster on here would be saying otherwise.