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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe I need to post this...

423 replies

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 11:13

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this Shock and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

OP posts:
Dvg · 24/06/2019 13:48

if there was nothing to worry about then he wouldnt have ruined the laptop :S is he deluded? why do these people turn so stupid to think anyone would fall for that.

I would LTB just for treating me like a dumb fool.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:49

And it includes such a manipulative, emotional blackmailing angle to it as well "oh it was for you, for us".

RomanyQueen · 24/06/2019 13:49

He needs to go not you and the dc.
He's gay and needs to go now. so sad you are going through this. Thanks
Look after yourself and dc, tell your h to go and give you space, then start divorce proceedings. He isn't going to stop being gay, it doesn't work like that.

TeaForTheWin · 24/06/2019 13:50

You are fixating on the wrong part. All this wanting to see what is on there and what he sent to whom - It doesn't matter! He has lied to you, is gaslighting you and is a nasty piece of work! Stop giving him a chance to keep lying to you and start talking to a lawyer.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:51

Btw cottaging hookups/encounters are fast and simple - for one thing so they don't get busted by the police for lewd behaviour etc. like George Michael did ... He could fit it in without much time eg at lunch time/on errands etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:53

"there are women on the site too" - yeah "women" with dicks and balls ... he just gets better and better.

Janus · 24/06/2019 13:55

Give him an ultimatum ‘either you log in and show me all that’s happened or you need to pack a bag’. If he cant/won’t show you it’s obviously because the stuff on there is too damaging. So either way you find out. Make sure he packs a bag though if he won’t show you.

MadeForThis · 24/06/2019 13:57

How did he delete the profile if he can't remember the log in?

Bullshit

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:57

He's already deleted stuff!

Plus op should be kicking him out no matter what.

He's fkg gay/bi, has made her a beard, and in all likelihood has had sexual encounters with other men.

Bandara · 24/06/2019 13:59

I think it is so sad that he said it is because you dont have enough sex with him - is the reason he did it. That is the mark of a very cruel man. It is NOT your fault at all. That he did something so cruel to you (cheat on a gay website) and then blame YOU afterwards is the actions of a very very cruel man.
Try and read this like your friend is saying this to you:
I found out that my husband is on a gay quick sex website talking to several gay men.
He then blamed me and said it was my fault for not having sex every day with him, even though I am in pain from childbirth.
What would you think of that man? What would you say to that woman?

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:59

Hi, I have been in this situation, with a laptop and messaging men and gay social media/dating sites. Also experienced the begging and the lies. My advice - get rid asap. I didnt, and it made me very ill.

Op, I know you must be in shock and pain (and will be for some time) and I know some of us (me being a prime culprit) get v shouty - because we are so angry on your behalf .. but please listen to this poster.

Janus · 24/06/2019 14:00

Totally agree morality but it seems OP needs some sort of ‘proof’. I do not see that there is a simple explanation here. So sorry OP, you must feel devastated, there’s no way this can be innocent though. I hope you get him out asap to be honest.

user1494670108 · 24/06/2019 14:07

I think in searching for the proof and trying to get into the laptop, you are focussing on the wrong thing, how much worse than it already is does it need to be? I'm not sure that further knowledge would help you at all really and it would be more useful for you to look at what happens next, i agree with the other posters who suggest that stage one needs to be for him to stay somewhere else for a while.

user1494670108 · 24/06/2019 14:08

Ps, he really doesn't sound very nice even without the gay/ bi stuff

Mrsmummy90 · 24/06/2019 14:09

He 100% has done something otherwise he wouldn't feel the need to hide it all.
Keep your dignity and walk away.
He obviously doesn't care enough to show you the messages.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 14:18

Thank you all.

I have messaged him saying he needs to log in and show me or send me the passwords etc - his response? Yeah I will later when we are home as its all on that laptop & it is cached.

Said he needs to leave then as the trust is gone as far as I am concerned. Too many red flags and his behaviour previous to this.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 24/06/2019 14:18

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ExH went on websites before we were married (heterosexual not gay/bi but hurtful nonetheless). I stupidly married him and it never improved as he continued to do it long into my marriage.

It was soul destroying keep finding out time after time in spite of promises to never do it again.

Don't be me. Thanks

cakecakecheese · 24/06/2019 14:20

The fact that he's minimising and blaming you tells you all you need to know really.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 14:20

I have been married before and he cheated. You would think I would bloody learn. I tell you what it will be just me and my DC from now on.

You cannot trust or 100% really know anyone.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 24/06/2019 14:21

has he agreed to leave OP?

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 14:22

God I sound so stupid. I have read threads on here before and echoed all your advice to women in my position. But its actually so hard when its happening to you.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/06/2019 14:23

So who sent him the invite code?

It makes me think it's a really dodgy site if you have to be invited to join it.

HollowTalk · 24/06/2019 14:24

Don't underestimate the shock you've had. It's not just knowing what you now know, it's the impact of the shock on you.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 14:24

@DishingOutDone

He said leave? thanks! then that he is fucked then.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 14:26

You would think I would bloody learn.

Don't blame yourself for cheaters op. Everyone has a choice as to whether to cheat or not; they can walk if they want to, they always have that option. Noone has to cheat, they choose to and it's a reflection of their (lack of) integrity, not on you.