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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe I need to post this...

423 replies

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 11:13

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 24/06/2019 13:31

Btw, they always cry and blame always follows the tears. Then come the suicide threats. They are all ways of trying to control you.

HJWT · 24/06/2019 13:31

@GuernseyDonkey1 tell him you either show me everything and tell me everything or get out of the house and don't come back!!

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:31

Christ says it all, I turn him to drugs sad

No, the fact that he's a gay or bi man pretending to be straight turns him to drugs.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:32

Either that and/or he's just probe to substance abuse - because he's wired that way.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:32

*prone

tomatostottie · 24/06/2019 13:33

I feel like when he said he was on there because we arent having sex often (we arent, he wants it daily, I am just too knackered for that & have chronic back pain following birth!) that of course he is going to cheat to get it?!
Prob gone to do something 'stupid' which he threatened yesterday again prob trying to guilt me. Knob.

Trying to blame you and threatening you. Get rid.
It's all down to him - he's either gay or bi. He wants/needs to have sex with men. You have not done anything wrong.
He needs to face up to himself and his sexuality and deal with it not blame and threaten you.
It looks like it's something he's struggled with and maybe tried to stop - you suggest he resurrected an old profile.
But in the end he was not able to stop because a gay or bisexual man is what he is.

I would not be able to stay with him knowing that he would be constantly on the look out for casual sexual encounters with men and thereby putting my own health at risk, never mind the emotional issues that would cause of being constantly cheated on.

Dahlietta · 24/06/2019 13:34

Also messages dont clog up your phone not these days

Without meaning to derail on a technicality, I recently had to delete most of my WhatsApp conversations because my phone (2 years old) told me its memory was full and I couldn't use WhatsApp until I deleted some stuff.
There's obviously a lot more than that going on here though!

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:35

Also on his profile it stated that he had been on there many moons ago so to me its a resurrected profile and recently he has prob been on more?!

Proof that he's been doing this a long time on and off.

Anyway, back on the blaming alcohol and drugs; as other posters have said - they don't change your sexuality, they just lower your inhibitions to be what you are and act how you want to act.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 24/06/2019 13:36

He's been gay or bi for a long time, it sounds like, and has been using drugs and alcohol and ADs to try to cope with it, crush it down, pretend it's not happening.

This.
He is a gay/bisexual cheater.

This is nothing you did.
He has lied to you and betrayed you horribly.
I suggest he goes on a “work trip” to an Airbnb for the week so you can get some space

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:36

But if he's heterosexual, he'd be cheating with women!!!

ChuckleBuckles · 24/06/2019 13:37

@GuernseyDonkey1

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, I too found my partners account for the site he used to book escorts, and well all I can say is that it may be a blessing that you cannot access the account. I will never get over seeing the pictures of the women he met and reading how he rated their services in his feedback after the act. He described one woman as "value for money", I am being treated for PTSD. I wish I had words of wisdom to take some of your pain away, I can just wish you well and I hope you have some real life support, please take care

Babochan88 · 24/06/2019 13:39

Hi OP,
Sorry this is happening. I can't tell you what to do with your marriage, but I can tell you to seek advice IRL ASAP from people you trust and/or a counsellor.

Make no mistake that he is bi or gay and will most likely continue to seek out men in some capacity whether online or offline. Regardless of anything, he has lied. And if he had to destroy the laptop to block you from seeing the messages....WOW. Unfortunately, if you believe his many lies you will get hurt again and again. You both need to sit down, be honest and figure out how to go forward. Him denying his attraction to men will only cause you more hurt and could affect your children. I am in no way saying to leave him or stay, but you both - him especially- need to be honest.

I wish you the very best of luck and blessings to you and your family

TheRedBarrows · 24/06/2019 13:41

The 'yeah I remember I am away at the moment though' indicates that a) there was something to remember and b) your DH made an approach or suggestion of some kind.

"He went from crying grovelling yesterday to being nasty and snappy to me"

This, and the stuff about not wanting you to go out, and blaming you for engaging in online sex activity (because you went out, allegedly) is as bad as the sexual infidelity and signals that he is a controlling gaslighting nasty piece of work.

You don't need justification or proof, you can leave a relationship any grounds you like.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:43

Also do not have a high sex drive or desire to have sex at the moment due to tiredness and back pain (from giving birth to his child!) but he thought you'd be up for a bisexual threesome romp with a strange gay/bi dude and was just investigating it and setting it up for you???!!!

I mean ...

Original poster

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 13:43

Yes the laptop is still there - or was yesterday- the casing is broke, will get it later and try power it on - he says the password/username is cached on it so he doesn't have to remember it. Which is bollocks as he has the most razor sharp memory ever - never forgets what I had said or done in past as far back as 4 years ago so I know he is lying there.

I am going to ask him to show me the stuff on the laptop - he says hes deleted the profile now so cant - however I am sure he can resurrect it.

On the website it says it is now invite only and you have to put in an invite code you have received from a member to join.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:43

He can't even keep his lies and "excuses" consistent.

SunkissedCherry · 24/06/2019 13:44

Hi, I have been in this situation, with a laptop and messaging men and gay social media/dating sites. Also experienced the begging and the lies. My advice - get rid asap. I didnt, and it made me very ill.

ComeAndDance · 24/06/2019 13:45

Tbh he sounds. Like he is a twat/abusives on top of. Being a cheater.

Keep angry. HE needs to move out rather than you

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:45

I am going to ask him to show me the stuff on the laptop - he says hes deleted the profile now so cant - however I am sure he can resurrect it.

I wouldn't do that. He's never going to cooperate. You're just giving him time and opportunity to destroy the contents.

If you have access, lift it, hide it and take it to a pc recovery expert. There's a shop/service like that in most towns.

TeaForTheWin · 24/06/2019 13:46

I think the fact that he BROKE his laptop rather than be honest with you (not to mention blamed you for his issues and lied through his teeth) is an even bigger issue than the fact that he's possibly sh*gging men. The dude is a friggin nut job.

Divorce time unfortunately.

Original poster

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 13:46

I have never suggested we do anything with another person so why he thinks I would want to do something with another man?! Plus it is PURELY Gay i looked at it as he said there is women on there too - well yeah transgender men but not women.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:47

However it's possible that he had indeed already gotten rid of most/all the incriminating stuff with his deletions.

The very fact that he had to do that tells you a lot.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:48

I have never suggested we do anything with another person so why he thinks I would want to do something with another man?

He doesn't think that.

It is the most desperate, clutching at straws, bullshit I've ever heard.

SunkissedCherry · 24/06/2019 13:48

Also, get yourself tested as soon as you can. I explained the situation at my local sexual health clinic, they were kind and understanding despite how ashamed and embarrassed I was. They were concerned about the risk of hiv and gave me emergency testing.

Thisnamechanger · 24/06/2019 13:48

OH you poor poor thing. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

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