Can't believe I need to post this...

[GuernseyDonkey1]

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

Your local hospital can advise on STD checks, these days most send a kit to your home for a self test if you've got no symptoms but just need the test.

Sorry he did this

If there was nothing really incriminating on there he would want to show you, in order to save your marriage. There must have been something pretty grim for him to destroy the laptop. I would insist he shows you everything or you end the marriage immediately, although he will no doubt have deleted things ? Maybe someone more savvy will be able to advise on this, I have never seen a hook up site so I don’t know how they work, or what the “invitation only” thing means.
So sorry op, what a shock.

Obviously the revelation that he’s gay or Bi is an added shock but even if these were women he is still behaving in a way somebody in a relationship shouldn’t
Any being drunk doesn’t make you suddenly attracted to the same sex, it just lowers your inhibitions
Google sexual health clinics and don’t be ashamed, you have done nothing wrong

He’s probably bi, perhaps gay, but it sounds as if it’s just a fantasy stage. That’s not uncommon for bisexual men if they want to lead a straight life.

So sorry, op, it must be a big shock 😢
Has he ever done anything suspicious before, you’ve never suspected anything?

Sorry thisis happened to you op. Agree with everyone you need std testing as soon as possible. Your husband is def either gay or bi and been having sex with men so has been unfaithful to you. Destroying the laptap confirms that. See a solicitor too.

Wow. So sorry that this has happened to you.
Do you think he drinks too much and took drugs in the past to cope with the fact that he can’t admit he is gay/bi?
Please, please go to your nearest sexual health drop in clinic and ask for a complete sexual health screen. All you need to do is provide a urine sample and they will take bloods.
I would be kicking him out of the house.

There is simply no positive way to look at any of this. He’s a lying cheating bastard. He also is hoping that you are very stupid but you’re clearly not. So don’t let him treat you like you are.

He’s cheating, regardless if he’s straight, gay or bi, the fact remains he’s cheating. It might be physical or emotional or online. It’s still cheating. The fact he’s destroyed the laptop and won’t give you his login details screams affair.

In your shoes I’d ask him to leave, get yourself tested, speak to a solicitor and get some time to yourself to decide what you need to do

There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with you.

He has cheated on you, regardless of how he managed it.
Asking him to leave was. The best you could do. You need space and time to process the news...

So sorry OP- I can though assure you that however much my husband drinks or is pissed off at me he wouldn’t start msging men in such a way. Your husband is in the closet and your marriage is over.
Focus on you, have him move out ASAP to give you space

I am so so sorry you are going through this. The fact he destroyed his laptop in order for you not to see the messages seems obvious he has been cheating on you. There is nothing wrong with YOU!! You are a victim of a complete jerk. I am so sorry.

I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with

And so he starts straight away blaming you for it - ie. you went out and he was pissed off (and lonely and sad - get the violins out....) and just wanted someone to have fun with.
Pathetic.

He has been meeting men from this site. I know you say he doesn#t go out long enough to do so but where there's a will there's a way. When you've been out for the evening he could easily have met up with someone or at lunchtime or after work - eg. finishes work early and meets someone or says he's working late but meets someone instead.

I'm really sorry OP but his behaviour suggests that he wasn't just having a laugh and looking at the site. The question is what do you want to do about it. He's obviously gay or bisexual and is cheating on you with men.

I would say thats its over as he wouldnt even show you the messages. That means he is hiding something, like actual meet ups and sex with men. Otherwise he would have told you to look through it, to prove it was just a bit of fantasy. I'd walk away now and get tested.

Exact same thing happened to me. And the lies he told, that followed were all just bullshit.
I wish I just walked away but I didn't. This will destroy you if you stay.
After digging there was so much I found. It completely fucked me up.
Please get out now

Thanks again for all the messages.

To the poster that asked if he has ever done anything anything suspicious before? Honestly no, but when I sit and think about it, whilst there is no limits on eachothers phones etc ( we know the passwords) he does this strange thing of deleting messages as soon as he gets them and once he had a message from him best mate with a pic of a girl (so he said) and I then said why did he send you that and I looked at his phone and the whole messenger thread was deleted and he said "he does it so it doesnt clog his phone up"???

He can get nasty when he has a drink and is a terrible gaslighter and minimises everything if we have a row, there has been times when I have thought he is not a nice person. He has had mental health issues in the past with Anxiety and Depression and takes anti d - I have always been nothing but supportive - but I will not take the excuse that its the MH that does this to him.

I said it could be a man, woman, cow or dog he is messaging ffs it doesn't matter its the fact that he has done it and there is INTENT there.

He went from crying grovelling yesterday to being nasty and snappy to me.

An old friend of mine is gay. He regularly meets men (probably married ones) in public loos......... I'm not sure but I think that's what cottaging is? Excuse my ignorance if it isn't. It's not like wooing someone, going for drinks etc - it is purely about sex. Stranger sex.

Setting up a profile, exchanging messages? He's done this deliberately. And he's gay.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - what a shock

*He went from crying grovelling yesterday to being nasty and snappy to me.

And so the gaslighting starts... sorry OP but from your last post he just sounds quite horrible in general! Get him GONE. And get angry. He has been cheating on you!

So sorry you're going through this.
Agree he is bi/gay. The fact he isn't giving you the log in details straight away just means he's going through deleting things. Why would he need to use the old laptop to delete his page? 🤨 he used the old laptop knowing you will not use it the 🐍.
Don't let him turn any of this round on you, ever. So what if you didn't want sex? You didn't force him into the arms of another man that's what HE wanted to do. He's acting like a selfish prick you're not to blame for any of this. This is ALL HIM.

I think the most telling thing here is his destroying the laptop/not giving you login details. He clearly has something to hide. If he gives you login info in the next few days, its only because he's had time to access his profile and tidy it all up.

I had an Ex that was using swinger sites and a lot of the excuses your DH gave were the same as I got. But over time it unravelled that he had just been full blown cheating and that was his platform for doing so. Sorry you're going through this, OP.

He doesnt sound nice regardless of this revelation-but hes definitely lieing or he would have shown you

Also messages dont clog up your phone not these days

So he's an emotional abuser with a drink and drug problem who cheats on you with random men? Sorry lovely, if that's not enough to get you gone I don't know what will be

I'm so sorry to hear this, your mind must be racing.

I have to point out though, that "he doesnt go anywhere without me except work" doesnt mean something isn't going on.
My ex was home every night at 6.30 after work, and with me for the rest of the time. So no time to cheat, surely? How wrong I was! He lied about his working hours, he actually finished at 2pm, then went to meet someone for sex, and then back home for 6.30 . I never suspected a thing - I assumed he'd been at work all day. So don't rule that out, something could be going on whilst he's at work.

You will find that your friends will pull together for you - please speak to someone in real life if you can. That's what friends are for. They will be there for you, even if its just to listen and make you a cup of tea.

You can Google a local Sexual Health Clinic in your area - the NHS website should list the ones local to you. It's not as scary as it sounds, it is a very discreet process and the staff make it as easy as possible for you.

Oh god. I feel sick. My parents are away at the moment so I may text them and ask if I can take DC to theirs for a few days.

Why me? I feel like when he said he was on there because we arent having sex often (we arent, he wants it daily, I am just too knackered for that & have chronic back pain following birth!) that of course he is going to cheat to get it?!

I have never once looked at another man whilst with him, I was cheated on previous so know the signs which he literally hasn't show any till now!

Sorry if this is dripfeeding I just keep thinking of things.

He's been gay or bi for a long time, it sounds like, and has been using drugs and alcohol and ADs to try to cope with it, crush it down, pretend it's not happening. Trouble with all that suppression is that it comes out in the wrong ways - with anger, with lies, with cheating, with gaslighting, with misdirection, the lot. He's angry because his house of cards has come crashing down. He must feel horrified that his 'secret' is out. This is not for you to fix, or deal with. He has used you horribly to cover his secret, and may even have justified the secrecy to himself as "protecting" you from the truth because he thinks he doesn't want to hurt you. You don't owe him anything. I'd set him free, get yourself properly advised from a medical and legal perspective, and try not to think of it as a marriage that 'went wrong' - it was never quite what you thought it was.

I have a feeling he will become a better person if he feels able to be himself. But there's no reason for you to take the flak - you cannot change what he is, it is not your 'fault', you haven't been stupid and missed the signs - he was actively trying to keep this hidden from you. You've done nothing wrong, but there is nothing to salvage from this relationship, except, very possibly, in the future, you may find you are better friends than spouses. Not that you owe him that - you have to do what's right for you.