Can't believe I need to post this...

[GuernseyDonkey1]

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

Hiya

He has stayed away 2 nights and worked the others so I havent really seen him.

My parents don't know anything yet - it feels like when I tell them that will really be it. God it fucks up so many lives doesnt it?!

Please @GuernseyDonkey1 tell your parents. tell your friends too.

You need some support in RL, not just in here.

I agree. You need RL support for this.

My dad's best friend was having gay affairs during his heterosexual marriage. His wife was so ashamed reaching out for support when it all came to light, back in the late 80s / early 90s. She had nothing to be ashamed of at all as she had not betrayed her spouse, as he had. Though my dad had huge sympathy for his best friend in the fact that he felt the need to hide his sexuality for so long, it did not forgive the betrayal of the affairs that he had had. His family never forgave him.

She didn't regret reaching out to her family and friends as everyone was so supportive. You need that support too.

My mother knew a woman who was late 70’s, early 80’s when her dh came out as gay and started hitting her to get her out the house because he wanted his boyfriend to move in.

They’d been married over 60 years, she hadn’t ever had a clue he was gay up till then. This must have been mid 90’s.

It’s nothing new, in the scheme of things.

God it fucks up so many lives doesnt it?!

Well, he's fucked up so many people's lives by pursuing a relationship, then marriage, then child with a woman; while being gay or bi, lying about and having sexual interactions (and let's face it, probably sex) with men. He's chosen to make his life a charade, he's also chosen to make your life and family a charade.

It's all at his door, you're doing the only thing you can do.

Hi all

Last night it all kicked off he'd had a drink and I commented on a friends Facebook post and he went ballistic taking the Mickey out of me an mimicking me going "hashtag obvs hashtag bollocks" (he has a huge issue with social media in general and hates me being on it)

It escalated and he then started bringing up random stuff such as if liked a picture of a man back in 2015 and also why was I still friends with my first boyfriend from when I was 17. Honestly clutching at straws as he knows I've never done anything.

He makes me feel like shit, I lay in bed and he alternated between being horrid to me saying I was a shit mom etc to coming in saying come on babe let's hug let's have sex.

I've left and come to a friends and meeting my parents tomorrow. I can't deal with this anymore, my parents know and are very upset.

thank god you got out. Well done.

@GuernseyDonkey1

I'm glad your parents know. The situation sounds like its deteriorating, I know from experience how awful this feels. My thoughts are with you. Tie yourself to the mast, this storm will pass and you'll survive it. Just hang on x

The nerve of this man laying into you! Bloody hell.

I'm glad you're out.

He's desperately trying to shift blame onto you and it's despicable! You're doing the right thing in removing yourself from the situation.
He's vile.

And so begins the character assassination on case you say why you're having to separate from him.

He's truly clutching at straws with you isn't he, he has nothing but he's still going to try. In fact he had so little, I wouldn't be surprised if he starts outright lying about you.

Btw it's completely natural & normal for you to tell people why you have to separate from him, why should you have to lie by omission or outright when he's the one who's created this awful situation.

For someone who's gone to such lengths to present themselves as a hetero married family man, while they actually have sexual interaction with other men; he must be absolutely shitting himself about this coming out, and he knows people live to gossip. But it's not your problem; what he's done to you (and your kids) is despicable.

Tbh I don't know how you stuck all the depression, self medication, drugs, drinking even before this anyway.

How pathetic that he's lurching between attacking and trying to undermine you (particularly disgusting about your parenting; who's responsible for the kids when he's off his face or recovering, cause it's not him) .. and trying to seduce you into shagging him and staying with him )when you know he's likely been "cottaging" with other men, i mean 🤮🤮.

I’m sorry OP but he is one fucked up individual and will put his dick anywhere.
I hope you went for an STD check.
You need to stay well rid if you can - he’s a mess. It’s his mess though - you have done nothing wrong.
I am pleased you have some real life support. Can you go off sick for a bit. It would be a massive shock and it’s only been a week.
You take care.

You need to detach and move on.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

I spent nearly 6 years trying to work out what was wrong with me, why I was so anxious and questioning myself all the time... Turns out I was living with a misogynistic, gaslighting arse. I walked in on him up to his nuts in the best man a few days before the wedding he’d talked me into. He didn’t even notice until he heard me telling his mother on the phone what I had witnessed and why the wedding was off. Oddly, she wasn’t surprised. Seemed I was one of the few who hadn’t guessed his little secret. He’d been into all kinds of other seedy things, and risking my sexual health while he was at it, the grubby bastard. (All clear, thanks!) Meanwhile, no better way to realize you can walk away without second-guessing yourself! Don’t be surprised if others are not surprised, Babe. They will support you! X

Oh my gosh, he's vile. Goes from being nasty to you to begging you for sex. Vomit.

Oh love, I’m so glad you’re out. This “man” is a cuntweasel and simply isn’t worthy of your love.

This is the worst point. Things WILL get better from here x

Are you ok? Still with your parents?

How are you?

@Guernsey,
It's been a couple of weeks since you checked in. How are you?
No matter what decision you've made, please just let us know you're okay.
💜💜💜💜