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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe I need to post this...

423 replies

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 11:13

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this Shock and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

OP posts:
SMellisa · 24/06/2019 12:44

Oh god I wouldn't know what to do in this position, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice except get checked ... so sorry x

minipie · 24/06/2019 12:46

You can google cottaging and you will see what it means.

Please don’t convince yourself he’s only been having a look when drunk and it’s harmless, you know that’s not true.

Please don’t let him convince you this is in some way your fault, it absolutely isn’t and it’s shitty of him to say or imply that.

Maybe a reach but perhaps his depression and drinking are related to the fact he’s trying to hide this aspect of himself.

so sorry OP but better to know and make informed decisions.

ISmellBabies · 24/06/2019 12:47

You don't destroy evidence that could prove your innocence, you only destry it if it shows you're guilty. If it was just online fantasy stuff you'd seen enough to know that so he would have shown you everything to prove that's all it was. He destroyed it so you didn't see his messages referring to when he's met men for sex.

poorbuthappy · 24/06/2019 12:48

You need to familiarise yourself with the script.
It's what the majority of men refer to when caught out...doesn't matter what sex they're caught out with.

Learn it so you can prepare for the next pile of bollocks he's about to spout.
It will help I promise.

Annasgirl · 24/06/2019 12:55

Oh dear OP, with every post he sounds worse. As someone said upthread he is a gaslighting, abusive, drunk who goes on cottaging sites with men - if this isn't enough to get you to leave what is?

None of this is your fault, none of this is normal. Please go to your parents house with your DC.

TheQueef · 24/06/2019 12:58

Aw lass it's nothing you have done or not done.
It's all on him.
I live near a lane where men meet for sex or to watch each other wank. He only needs five minutes.
Can he leave for a few days while you catch up? If not deffo take the DC to parents house.

DishingOutDone · 24/06/2019 13:00

OP you're in shock you need to tell him to leave now, can't he go to his parents for a while?

Ohyesiam · 24/06/2019 13:00

You need to do Grey Rock op, google it, but basically you need to be stony cold to him and react to nothing. Keep reiterating that nobody destroys evidence that would prove them innocent, and that he can lie to himself but it doesn’t wash with you.

My flat mate used to go cottaging in his lunch break, even in his coffee break. It’s 5 minute encounters in public Loos .
Getting to your parents would be good move, give yourself some space.

I’m so so sorry you are being put through this.

londongirl101 · 24/06/2019 13:01

Oh lord!

1 million percent sack him off.... in years to come you will look back and think holy shit thank god I got away.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 13:04

When I say he never goes anywhere/does anything other than work I know this through we have the Life360 app (when stepchild got a phone we installed it) and I can see his movements. But you know what?! I am now thinking he prob has a bloody second phone doesn't he?! Leaves his phone at work and goes off?! What a dick I am for not seeing this?!

You also need an email address to log into that site so he has a secret email too. His laptop (not the one he smashed) is his work one as is his phone so he cant log on via them, so must have another way?! Any tips on how I can do some investigating to find anything else?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 24/06/2019 13:09

One of my in-laws step siblings is gay and used to have casual encounters with married men.

It’s probably more common than we think.

I wouldn’t bother looking, you’ll only find things that will upset you more.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:14

Cottaging is meeting for casual encounters in public toilets and has been around a long long time.

Before the internet, there were just (and no doubt still are) certain toilets that were notorious for it.

The whole point is to meet.

There are suggestions in his profile that he is up for meeting, and messages suggest he has met people.

You don't need more evidence.

He so smashed up his laptop FFS.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:14

*also

alligatorsmile · 24/06/2019 13:15

I don't think you need look for "more". You already have enough information to know that he's been living a lie, been lying to you and been cheating on you. What could you possibly find that would make this better?

PeoniesarePink · 24/06/2019 13:16

He is never going to tell you the truth, lovely.

You've found out all you need to know. Don't put yourself through any more torture than you need to.

I'd pack a bag for him and tell him to leave.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:16

As for the setting it up for you both to enjoy - when you've never expressed any interest in a threesome (let alone a bi threesome, since the other guy will be gay) and not many women would be (it's hardly mainstream, is it) ... Is total and utter intelligence insulting desperate bullshit.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:18

He's made you a beard.

I suggest you make him an ex husband.

Sorry to be so blunt but ..

There are few things more despicable than what he's done/is doing.

HappyNOTdriving · 24/06/2019 13:19

He is following to the letter the cheaters script!

The only difference is rather than women it is men he has been interacting/having sex with.

It doesn't after if you have been a horrible spouse (not really but he is trying to blame you) that does not put any responsibility on you for choices he made to cheat ever.

If he isn't happy he has the choice to leave.

Instead he chose to be in a marriage with you, showing sexual interest in you and acting like you are together then contact other men for sexually contact.

not ok, ever

For me it would be the end because I am worth more than to be treated like that not just the cheating but the bad emotional behaviour towards me around that!

RubberTreePlant · 24/06/2019 13:21

It's the deceit that is the most unforgivable thing.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:21

Blaming substance abuse is another red herring, bullshit strategy.

Funny how none of the hetero alcoholics I know ended up on gay sex meet up sites and messaging services.

TheSerenDipitY · 24/06/2019 13:23

keep that smashed laptop, evidence for the divorce, and if the hard drive isnt fucked, you can get a hard drive enclosure and plug it in and retrieve the data that is stored

btw, in case its not said enough
STD CHECK!!!!!! sooner rather than later

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 13:26

They really should be putting warnings on alcohol and AD's packaging if they can turn you gay or bi. Hmm

Op - don't believe the bullshit.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 13:28

@moralitym1n1

He has taken drugs whilst with me (never since DC - as far as I am aware) so how he blames it now on that I can't work out. Also on his profile it stated that he had been on there many moons ago so to me its a resurrected profile and recently he has prob been on more?!

He was calling me constantly before which I didnt answer, now not been online for a few hours. Prob gone to do something 'stupid' which he threatened yesterday again prob trying to guilt me. Knob.

Getting angry now.

OP posts:
Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 13:29

FYI I havent done drugs, he has since being with me. Christ says it all, I turn him to drugs Sad

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/06/2019 13:30

Do you mean it's a site that needs someone to register before they can post (like MN) or a site where someone else has to invite you? Because the latter sounds a hell of a lot more dodgy.

I would think he's got another phone. If his phone is his work phone then that would tie in.

Is the laptop still there? It takes a hell of a lot to destroy what's on it. Just because the casing is smashed, it doesn't mean you can't retrieve things.

I think he's lied through his teeth to you. I do think he's met up with people, too. Those meetings are only ever very quick - they are not exactly men who are interested in getting to know someone.