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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe I need to post this...

423 replies

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 11:13

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this Shock and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:44

Bear in mind though that it can be pricey and that he may well have deleted anything relevant by deleting profiles etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:47

I got upset and raised my voice and he said stop it's not fair:

It's not fair that you raise your voice after finding out he's been sneaking out of family and friends' get together to go on gay sex/hookup sites and moreover his communications in them were do unfit for your eyes (of so damning in terms of what he's done) that he tried to smash a laptop rather than let you see more of them) .... If it were me, if probably have ended up arrested.

AllOverIt · 24/06/2019 22:49

So sorry this has happened to you OP. I'd be devastated at the lying and the subterfuge more than anything. He is also lying to get himself out of it.

You deserve better.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 22:49

He's in the spare room. Just cant believe this.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:51

He has a whole side to his sexuality that he's hidden from you, lied about - while he married you and brought a child into the world with you ... a sexuality he's indulging in and essentially cheating on you due to ...And it's unfair if you get upset or angry?

He is an absolute piss taker .. self absorbed, selfish, no empathy, manipulative, arrogant .. I can't find even find the right words.

TheRedBarrows · 24/06/2019 22:51

Oldbitch it isn’t the sexuality that is the issue.
He lies to her.
He gets nasty and blamed her for his encounters
It isn’t just looking at porn, it is obvious from the messages that he has been engaging in encounters of some kind even if online
Which many children didn’t yo br sexual infidelity
He is emotionally manipulative.
He is a liar.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:53

He's treated you appallingly and you're not allowed to raise your voice, he's not yo be upset?

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:56

Yeah apparently op not having sex with him everyday due to having had his child causes him to seek out sexual interaction with other men.

As your average hetero sexual man does Hmm.

Of course even if it was with other women, he'd still be a lying, cheating, unfair, disrespectful, shit partner.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:58

Oh and it's all because he's been off his face. It's the drugs, it's the alcohol. They're all making him go on gay hookup sites and exchange messages, and whatever else he's done.

Amazing things these drugs and alcohol; chance your sexuality from straight to gay/bi.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/06/2019 22:59

*change

AppropriateAdult · 24/06/2019 23:00

With respect, oldbitch, he was on a cottaging website. He didn't access a porn site late at night while browsing; he left a family gathering, repeatedly and for long periods, to chat on a website which helps men find other men for sex.

If he was soliciting other women for sex I don't think anybody would be objecting to the (almost unanimous) LTB advice.

carla1983 · 24/06/2019 23:16

"He is an absolute piss taker .. self absorbed, selfish, no empathy, manipulative, arrogant .. I can't find even find the right words."

@Moralitym1n1 I think those are the right words

It adds insult to injury that he is trying to minimise what he has done in these deceitful ways.

Whatisthisfuckery · 24/06/2019 23:19

Haha @rugshade, nothing funnier than a heterosexual imagining homophobia.

I’ve read this thread from the start and I’ve not seen any homophobia, and I’ve had a lot of it aimed at me so I do know what it looks like.

Stay in your lane and stop appropriating our real life experience for your malicious purposes.

DishingOutDone · 24/06/2019 23:25

Stop "atting" the troll rugshade; we don't want them back on here getting overwrought do we now!

GabsAlot · 24/06/2019 23:30

Hes completely gaslighting you but you know that dont doubt whats happened hes a liar at the very least

over50andfab · 24/06/2019 23:37

OP have you thought to check his car as I suggested above?

NetballHoop · 24/06/2019 23:37

Guernsey, so sorry this has happened to you. My DH works with computers and says that he would happily try to extract anything possible from the laptop. He can make a cloned copy of the disk so as not to damage the original. Let me know if you want to try.

MitziK · 24/06/2019 23:38

I'm wondering why he has felt the need to hide his sexuality to such an extent. Is his family massively homophobic? Has he been?

I think that, barring a real risk to his safety beyond that which helps him get his rocks off, at any rate, a matter of fact 'Oh, he finally decided to come out to me when I found he was arranging hook ups on cottaging sites. It's about time he lived as his True Self, rather than cheating and lying about it' doesn't sound homophobic, it's just what has happened (ish).

forumdonkey · 24/06/2019 23:55

If it was just a fantasy why not just watch gay porn? It's the lies, deceit and (most probably) his cheating. He treats you badly and is blaming you. The fact he's sneaking upstairs while you have guests shows it's more than a bit of harmless fun.

julensaor · 24/06/2019 23:57

did you try putting the battery back in? It should still be fine, unless he threw it, in which case it may not.Would he maybe have been dumb enough to use any of his computers whilst logged into his gmail account, all the web history would potentially be stored there, if you know his gmail login, you can access from another computer. A password and username aren't stored in a cached webpage but are saved in the browsers preferences. So you might see them saved in the preferences of the browser he used or potentially he has them stored in the cloud for use across devices.

RantyAnty · 25/06/2019 04:24

I would try to look at the hard drive. He may have photos and messages stored on it.

I wouldn't bother with a heart to heart. That only works with normal people. All he's done is lie and DARVO repeatedly.

He's a liar and a cheat living a double life.

sofato5miles · 25/06/2019 04:31

Unlike others, I have sympathy with your DH, he obviously has been living a lie and is enmeshed in subterfuge. BUT where does that leave you?

My advice would be to not listen to his lies anymore and just acknowledge it. He is gay. That, regardless of the cheating, is going to take real time to unravel for you. And is heartbreaking.

He is panicking, you are in utter shock. Get someone you trust to confide ( and get hysterical with) in. Tell him, now you both need time to absorb the news and then work out next steps.

Massive, massive hug.

DoctorDread · 25/06/2019 05:04

@GuernseyDonkey1
Everything here is doing now is to deflect and minimise what you have found out. It's what people do when they feel guilty.

He will do anything he can to throw you off course because he's been caught out and is spiralling.

You know how you feel about this. It's irrelevant whether or not he's 'done' anything. This is your line in the sand. You are allowed to not be comfortable with the website thing, regardless of what he says. Your feelings are not his to control.

Thanks

ControversialFerret · 25/06/2019 07:52

He's trying every trick in the book to make you feel bad and stop. Interesting choice of words "if you loved me". What about if he loved you? Wouldn't he be concerned with how you were feeling? Nope - it's all about him.

He's lying - I doubt at this point that he's even trying to keep track of his lies. His primary concern isn't you or the DC - it's how it looks. That's why the first question out of his mouth was about what you were going to say to people.

Go grey rock. Don't respond and don't engage.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 07:58

If it was just a fantasy why not just watch gay porn?

While my experience is just my experience; personally I haven't known hetero men to use gay porn either.

They seem to react to evidence/discussion about gay sex/porn etc with an unfeigned response ranging from total indifference to aversion.

I saw a study that showed that women actually respond to a wider variety of stimuli/scenarios than men. Men are apparently more narrow and entrenched in what stimulates them.

A guy you think is straight using gay porn would be an indication something is up anyway.