Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe I need to post this...

423 replies

GuernseyDonkey1 · 24/06/2019 11:13

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this Shock and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

OP posts:
Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 25/06/2019 13:01

Anyone know what the situation would be with the tenancy? It is up in April next year I think however I didn't sign anything he did, my name is on it as a tenant as is our DS but I didn't sign it?

I think the best thing would be to put my things in storage for a couple of months and go to my parents and get somewhere.

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 25/06/2019 13:03

Is it private rented or social housing? If the latter do not give up the tenancy!!

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 13:08

yes I remember you, but I cant at the mo as I am in Benidorm

No hard drive evidence needed.

He's a long term member (even if it's on/off).
Other members know him, at the very least from being on there - but more likely in person.
What he's suggested to the other guy cannot be done remotely/online, it has to be in person (otherwise he would do it online from benidorm).

Not that remote messaging/camming etc sexual stuff with other men would be ok either.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 13:09

Hoisted by his own petard.

And that's only from what you managed to see briefly.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 13:11

Also it doesn't matter if he was taking drugs when he was running off into the house to go on a gay meet up site; substances don't make you have a different sexuality, they just drop your inhibitions.

On that subject; op if you came on here about the substance abuse (and at the expense of your family finances) alone - you'd be being strongly advised to end the marriage.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 13:13

And what sort of person is taking drugs around children as well? You have kids from your previous marriage and a young child with him .. and he's taking drugs around then in the daytime?

S1naidSucks · 25/06/2019 13:16

I know you said you don’t need the hard drive, but it’s possible he has also been saving photos and you may be able to retrieve those, if you need evidence later. Mind you, I would demand access to his iCloud in order to see what is on there.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 13:17

So glad that in spite of the utter shock and horror you must be feeling, you're not listening to his rubbish and are planning to get out.

The lady beard thread on here was depressing because it was so clear op wasn't going to leave. She had the thread deleted due to identifying info, popped up briefly in another thread and then disappeared. She was still talking about how she could be enough for him.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 13:18

*last!

rainbowstardrops · 25/06/2019 13:24

Blimey, what a shock for you! I have no idea if he's actually cheated or not but the trust has definitely gone. Thanks

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/06/2019 13:30

Anyone know what the situation would be with the tenancy? It is up in April next year I think however I didn't sign anything he did, my name is on it as a tenant as is our DS but I didn't sign it?

Is this a private tenancy? If so, he sounds like the tenancy agreement is in his name only, which means only he is liable for the rent. You are listed as a tenant, as is your son. Were you not named as a joint tenant for financial reasons? If you can afford to stay and he allows it, he can be removed and you can take over the tenancy.

If it's a social tenancy, I'm not so sure on the laws.

Would you like to stay?

LellyMcKelly · 25/06/2019 13:31

You don’t need to access his hard drive, you don’t have to listen to another if his overwrought explanations, you don’t have to put up with the gaslighting. My ex did this too. You know, you absolutely know in your heart of hearts that your husband has been cheating on you with men and then lying about it. That’s all you need to know. You need to get your head round that and decide what you want to do.

Dizzywizz · 25/06/2019 13:31

Have you got a copy of the tenancy agreement? Are you listed as a tenant, or as a permitted occupant perhaps?

Whathappenedtooursummer · 25/06/2019 14:43

When I chucked dh out I just rang ll and had a new sole tenancy issued. No big deal.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 25/06/2019 14:52

Yeah Private - love the house and DS is settled obviously! I dont want to be there on my own as its far too big for one & expensive.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 25/06/2019 16:03

Just read the thread and wanted to say how amazing I think you are in coping with all this.

The comment he made about not doing it if he knew it would upset you made me laugh, it must be in the cheaters handbook, my STBEXH said to me that he only had emotional affairs for an ego boost and if he knew I'd leave him over it he wouldn't have done it.
This was after he had done it for 17 years and I eventually found the balls to end the marriage.

Apparently I was supposed to just accept it and put up with it as he would never have left me for any of them - why are they such knobheads?

Good luck with everything

alligatorsmile · 25/06/2019 16:34

Remember that you don't need his permission to:
a) have feelings
b) end the relationship

You are also not obliged to speak to him. He did not do you the courtesy of speaking to you about any of his feelings or actions.

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 25/06/2019 16:40

Thanks All.

Sat here in my office not wanting to go home and face it all (he is at home with DS today). But I am off rest of week and told him I want space and he is going apparently. Thank god.

I dont know what I am feeling - I go between crying, embarrassment, feeling like a failure, ugly, pissed off and stupid! But I am just not as upset as I thought I would be?!

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 25/06/2019 16:46

There is probably a bit of relief op if things haven't been as rosy as they could've been?

Sarcelle · 25/06/2019 16:59

You haven't included angry. Be angry, cold and dispassionately angry.

legolife · 25/06/2019 17:20

Oh what a crap situation op. So sorry your going through this. What an arse Angry

ThatCurlyGirl · 25/06/2019 17:23

I dont know what I am feeling - I go between crying, embarrassment, feeling like a failure, ugly, pissed off and stupid! But I am just not as upset as I thought I would be?!

It's probably shock my love and you'll be running on adrenaline while this is all fresh. I think you're doing amazingly for what it's worth and I'm so sorry this is happening Thanks

Original poster
GuernseyDonkey1 · 25/06/2019 17:53

Oh I'm very angry!!!

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 25/06/2019 18:18

I think you're doing amazingly for what it's worth and I'm so sorry this is happening

Seconded.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 25/06/2019 18:24

He sounds like a total arsehole OP, even if you omit the infidelity! I am really sorry this has happened to you, you didn't deserve any of it. But you do deserve better than him. Much better. Please take care of yourself now. Forget what he wants. You need support and lots of it so reach out to friends and family x