Can't believe I need to post this...

[GuernseyDonkey1]

I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.

I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.

On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.

I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .

I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....

I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)

Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.

There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos

Back on the laptop issue, thats a fantastic offer from that poster re. Data recovery.

However I'm wondering if someone as deceitful and manipulative as your h would have left it lying there if he knew there was anything incriminating on it.

He's bound to know you could replace the battery, even if the original didn't work. He's also bound to know about data recovery. If he was seriously scared, I think he would've taken possession of it himself.

So worth a try, but I wouldn't put any stock on it proving or disproving anything.

Your husband if gas lighting you. Try and step back and look at his behaviour.
He has behaved inappropriately.
He has blamed you
You're over reacting
It's your fault as you don't satisfy him
It's your fault he went out.
Unremorseful cheaters behave in this way. They twist things so you feel guilty, you feel sorry for them and you are left trying to make everything better whilst they just sit there feeling smug.

Op, you said your dh has little time to cheat, but surely there's the possibility he could have taken a day off work without you knowing?

The very fact that's he's blaming you should be the whopping red flag to getting him out of the house.

If you’re gathering documents then there is a really useful list here, it’s under What to include in your safety packing list:

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Just thought it might be helpful

HI @GuernseyDonkey1 I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Stand your ground. Do not let this little weasel twist everything back on you. Even after everything he's done, if he had turned around, held his hands up and admitted everything and apologised, that would be something...

But instead, he's still crying/whining/denying. Absolutely pathetic.

And it won't feel like it now, but you finding this out is the best thing that could happen, as you'll now be free of this gaslighting shitbag.

Get your stuff, go to your Mum's and tell him he has 48 hours to get the fuck out and never come back.

"Gaslighting shitbag". This. Exactly.

Then asked why I'm being nasty to him. I got upset and raised my voice and he said stop it's not fair ahahahahahah. Not to advocate violence but o.m.g, if it was me I would have kicked him in the c*nt for that xD

Everytime my mind drifts back to this thread, I think of some extra piece of utter bullshit that needs pointing out - so he's said he's gone on gay meet up sites when/because he's off his face on alcohol &, drugs ... His come he was sneaking off during a chilled day time get-together, when presumably he was not "off his face" to go on them then?

*How come

Not that any straight guy is going on gay meet up sites, off their face or not, anyway ..

He says he's been a user on a dogging site in 2011 and thus site is a progression from that and you get automatic membership.

Eh?? He says he's been a user on a dogging site. What on earth? Does that make it better saying he was on a dogging site and he got "automatic membership" to the cottaging site.
Was he dogging and met someone and other bloke says "I'll send you an invite code to the cottaging website because you can meet loads of people on there."

How long has he been dogging for fuck's sake?

He's a cheating, lying, gaslighting arsehole. Get rid of him ASAP.
This is far beyond the realms of "gay fantasies" as Rugshade seems to think. It's out and out cheating.

Does it really matter what's on the laptop, why upset yourself seeing what he sent to other men.
It will just hurt you more.
You know he's lying, get a sti check, kick him out, and never waste another minute being hurt by his despicable actions.

If he's deleted the messages on the site, they won't be on the hard drive.

You know enough. You'll never know everything and the hurt is just going to get worse. He's into cottaging, a heavy drinker, and he gaslights you. He can't even keep his excuses straight.

I'm sorry, OP; this must feel so hard, but you know everything now. He's a wanker. It's nothing to do with you. Infact, it's very likely that he is not happy with being gay, or bi, and therefore finds it easier to explore that part of his sexuality in random cottaging sessions while maintaining his status as a man in a serious relationship.

Handhold OP
Hope you're okay x

@GuernseyDonkey1

He says he's been a user on a dogging site in 2011 and thus site is a progression from that and you get automatic membership.

Omg his best excuse for being on one shagging site is that he was a member of another?! Fuck me he's a shit partner and a shit liar!

Glad it sounds like you're accepting there's no coming back from this, you'll be so much happier leaving him rather than having seething resentment, confusion and self confidence issues for years to come.

You poor thing, sending you positive thoughts

Hes trying to say hes been a member of a dogging website but deactivated his profile (bullshit) because of being in a relationship ship (more bullshit) and only reactivated it on whatever day due to his (bullshit) mental breakdown.

He is full of shit.

I have no idea why people are even suggesting going g through his hard drive. Messages on websites like that would not save to a hard drive they save to the sites servers. Just like you wouldnt be able to recover messages from mumsnet without contacting the site owners/managers whatever.

The gay/bi issue is irrelevant. Me and my partner are bisexual. My partner is actually trans aswell (and no, not the Emily Howard type cross dressers posters here describe discovering their husband as) He told me everything before we committed.

You need to separate the gay/bi part because simply put he has cheated and it doesnt matter who with or why.

My partner and I involve other people on a weekly basis. And if I found him on a website that hed kept secret, or messaged anyone secretly the relationship would be over because he would have broken my trust completely.

Oh and my partner said your partner is probably a cross dresser too or into them at the very least if hes secretly adding trans people.

Thanks all for the messages.

Well I slept OK eventually - after getting the pics off the website I needed he deleted the account as I can no longer get on - he stood there telling me all he was doing Sat was deleting it - but there were 5 pics he liked on Sat! One from 2 weeks ago and the message he had received stated "yes I remember you, but I cant at the mo as I am in Benidorm" so clearly replying to a request for SOMETHING! he still stood there and lied to my face that it was nothing!

Thank you for the offer to help with the Hard drive to the PP but I cant be arsed with that - I have everything I need - thank you.

@Moralitym1n1 he was on something on Saturday hence his excuse for going on. What pisses me off more is DS is desperate for new shoes and he was huffing about the £26 I spent on Sat but then went and spent god knows how much on drugs!

Yes he still claims this site is a progression from another despite saying he was a member for more than a year and blokes (or at least one bloke) remembers him!

I have asked him to leave - if he wont I am - I am going to a clinic after work then home - if he hasnt gone me & DS will go to my parents.

Ive told a friend who has said and keeps saying you know you have to leave him right? Which yes I do.

@LittleDoll

Thank you for your message.

Like I have said - the fact he may be gay/bi whatever at this stage I couldnt care less (yes I am fecking gutted but he is what he is) its the LYING and bare face cheek of it that is more upsetting.

He is (was?) my best friend and I thought we were perfect together for a time however the fact that he did this behind my back and has ruined everything is the most upsetting.

I have had a cry this morning. But I dont feel THAT upset? I am numb maybe? What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you, you've had a major bloody shock!

Has he agreed to leave?

You're in shock and your brain is concentrating on practicalities.

There's nothing wrong with you at all. Feeling numb is a perfectly normal response to shock zzz

*xxx

Oldbitch it isn’t the sexuality that is the issue.
He lies to her.
He gets nasty and blamed her for his encounters
It isn’t just looking at porn, it is obvious from the messages that he has been engaging in encounters of some kind even if online
Which many children didn’t yo br sexual infidelity
He is emotionally manipulative.
He is a liar.

Oh, and now add:

He is a sleaze - dogging, FFS. Which the OP presumably didn't now about
He uses family money to buy and take drugs
He resents family money being spent on kids shoes and harangues the OP about that.

No one has to be homophobic to object to any of that, or feel they need to be his personal counsellor and help him through his sensitive issues faced with that line up of behaviour!

Keep your anger up, OP.

He has been treating you badly in many other ways before this blew up.

Maybe that is why you don't feel 'THAT upset'?

Anyway there is certainly nothing wrong with you!